i go through it again: the loss, the pain, the suffering & loneliness. again i cleave to You & give it all to You -- it's all i have to give! there is nothing to offer but the heaviness of the occluding flesh & the memorized stories about how it came to be the way it is. they are worn thin at the edges, ragged & smeared with multiple corrections. every day i throw them away again but they crawl back in the dark night. yet fewer words are there & the manuscript is thinner now over time, after these years of turning my back & resolutely walking away. oh Shiva! this is a hard lesson, all this emptiness & loneliness! it has held me down & had its ruthless way with me long enough indeed! You help me see the old eroding patterns to leave them. You guide me home. You come back for me relentlessly, You reach to me as i reach to You. i walked the cold solitary halls of separation & division & i'm headed for the door, Shiva, walking onward to full disclosure, where we share sweet infinite kindness & love without a word or a thought, & nothing stands in opposition or defense to the purity of love.
as i write these words to You on paper, Shiva, i am inviting You to be near me, to touch me with Your grace, with Your compassionate way of revealing ageless truths as if they had grown & blossomed deep within heart & mind & only now could reveal their shining fragrant presence. as i write these words to You on paper, Shiva, i find myself feeling as if i sit by a wood-burning stove enjoying the heat as wood is sacrificed to the fire. we all burn with this indescribable divine flame. it consumes our errors, making ashes of our mistakes. as i write these words to You on paper, Shiva, i am asking You to come so close that i lose myself in You, so close that the meaning of the words "You" & "i" dissolves. there is no more writing, no more words, no "i" & no "You"-- only now exists, only life, just this burning moment.