the things that we see & touch in this world are the shiny mirror-blurry reflections of beauty from anotherWhere, so familiar! we know that dear realm from the hot sweet-swift throb of recognition deep within the heart. we yearn for that original purity, & we chase after the things of this world hoping to reclaim it, yet it disappears in the grasping. the music we hear that moves us to the core is a faint intimation of that glorious music of anotherWhere. we hope to follow it back home to our place of original purity, yet we have become heavy, dense & cumbersome in bodies of warm meat & blood. we know somehow that we are so much more than this, & we quest after that which is still beyond our ability to register. yet this journey comes to us all eventually. it is what happens when we can finally struggle & shrug our way out of our protective yet restraining cocoon or chrysalis. Shiva silently oversees this inevitable timely transformation. He gives us the push & the lift to open our wings & soar finally into the purity of that embracing space of endless enfolding love that we can never quite forget. even our new wings are made of shimmering light & music now that we return to our root origin. it is our home, & we are here bearing the gifts of our various wanderings, ending our exile in moist meat & dense bone, as we return again to the living light of the soul's divine abode.
i am not the body-personality nor am i the author of the actions of that physical being. i am the observing awareness, the indwelling presence ever abiding beyond thought, who calmly witnesses. that which is done through the body's agency, because of the influence of the personality, belongs to that entity alone. it is not mine. i am the pure bright awareness enlivening the body: truly, i am not of the body. i am ever free, ever stainless, like a cloud in the sky, like space itself, just present, offering no resistance & no attachment. now i am standing on the threshold between body-personality & observing awareness. in daily life both flow with the evolving events of the moment. yet the body-personality has many ups & downs, whereas the awareness remains clear & steady, unattached to the outcome. this is what i contemplate in sadhana, Shiva. i currently am a fluctuating amalgam of spirit & matter. it's like that tremulous moment when the butterfly realizes that she is in the chrysalis & can remotely sense her wings slowly developing, but she herself is yet vulnerable & powerless to act. nor is it needful, for creation is unfolding & happening naturally, by itself, for all of us. ah Shiva! this sadhana is on-going, a way of life, & i am quite fundamentally drawn to it, attracted like the moth to her fulfillment in the fire of flaming truth. i am witness to the blazing conflagration.
i rise into flight & i break into song, into a thousand thousand pieces. they all have their own holy lives & they have their own wings as they fly off to do their own duties. surely songs are free beings with their own dharma after they emerge from the lips: they have their own journeys to set out upon. i carried them all when they were tender & small & it's time now to let them go free. i break out of the prison i carefully made out of rules, roles & regulations. i'm cutting the cords; i'm leaving the matrix. i'm fully out of the chrysalis now, shedding the confining tight old skin & spreading my wings into the rising sunlight. they glow & they know just where to go, & i am but a passenger. Shiva, these wings will take me to You: what else can be their purpose? what else can they do but take me to You? that's what this life is for.
i am like a summer storm in a dry land, bringing thunder & towering clouds & wind but no rain. there's a lot of hopeful noise in the sky but nothing much happens. where is my rain, Shiva? where is the blessing that surely must come? when does this end, this time of declaration in words, this offering to You, this small lonely prasad that few come to share? still will i offer it, for You have given me this sacred task to ripen me. this is the timely opportunity to detach from the opinions of others, to release the solemn people-pleasing child in me to go find healing in the comfort of nature's pure serene hidden places. let her walk with her sad, lonely craving, the emptiness inside calling out to be filled. let her live patiently without answers, bereft of understanding & shorn of meaning. let her suffer. & let it be enough. let it be finished, paid in full, unleashed & released. done. shelter me, Shiva, cover me over with Your holy love as i become free from this spent larval form i now inhabit while it morphs into the mature adult version: the one where i have wings & am not crawling on my belly for food. may the nectar of flowers empower me home to You, Shiva!
this very moment the hatchling finally cracks the egg-shell open, tumbling forth, naked, wobbly & damp, heartbeat sounding, breath whispering in, out, pulling "now" in, pushing out all that came before, repeating. this very moment the shy nestling gawks over the rim of the nest, body throbbing with her hunger, innocent eyes & mouth open wide. this very moment the brave fledgling dares to test her new wings in flight & plunges falling into the wind, which holds & lifts her high & free. I am Your fledgling, Shiva, urged from within to stretch my wings & fly, soaring with You beside me, ascending this very moment, right now!