training wheels – THIS HAPPENED

i came to You late, Shiva, at age seventy five. although You came
early to me when i was thirteen, i didn't know who You were, & i
drifted elsewhere. i didn't know how to cultivate the connection, &
maya simply blew me away. You came again when i was fourteen.

the out of body journey that You took me on became a living
seed planted deep within my memory to continue informing
me as an adult. You showed me the holiness of this existence.
You encouraged me with the vision of my true divine potential.
You wrapped me in love. but for years i was like a blind person in a
strange new room, feeling my way through unknown mysterious obstacles
on my way to an equally cryptic & obscure destination.

finally, when my old life is dead & gone & i huddle amidst
the wreckage & the shards of the remaining scraps, finally, You come.
You come in response to the collapse of my beleaguered walls, roof &
foundation. You come because at last i am wide open & asking
for You, calling out, even though i don't yet know Your name. my heart calls
out the loudest of all, for the heart knows far more than the head alone.

& behold! events transpire that bring me to You at last, & You send
a helper with Your everlasting mantra: Om Namah Shivaya.
gradually the blinders fall away as my sadhana deepens,
& i take refuge in You via Your mantra: in You, my chosen
Deity who also chose me, & did so before i knew Your name.
i immerse myself in You, I throw myself off the cliff of the world
into the limitless ocean of You. i paint pictures of You, write
heartfelt poems to You, sing freely to You & i chant Your mantras.

my room looks like a museum honoring You, & even more like
a temple in full swing of celebrating Your sweet sacred presence.
in fact, Shiva, You genuinely do reside here now with me &
in me. You are living through me & i am drawn by You to all that
can assist me to come even closer to You. actually, You
take me to the consummation of my long journey to You, Shiva.

now that i know Your name, we cannot be separated. we are one
life & i am Your expression in the human world, as are others.
it's a mystery & i only have training wheels for exploring
such arcane wonders. it's all Your body anyway, just as i too
am Your body. because i don't know what else to do, i throw myself
upon You to know myself as one with You, vividly & purely.
i won't let go. i won't stop & i won't be sidetracked. You, Shiva, are
my swadharma, my destiny & fulfillment. blessed is Your name,
given as medicine for all. blessed is Om Namah Shivaya.

the mind yet has its training wheels to help it remain steady. truthfully, i often find myself laying flat on the ground wondering how i came to fall so low, how i can arise. yet i do arise, time after time, & i do push forward. it has been given to me to repeat this forward motion. i wanted to opt out, let it all go without my input, but You have shaped it otherwise for me, my dear Lord Shiva. thus it is that i give myself to You in service & love. i am a cell in Your body, You are my reality. i see this while i yet must play the part You have given me. i do this in gratitude, for the well-being of all life is woven in to every inch of each measurable thing, thus i delight in playing out the role You have given me. You come to me in love & i greet You in gratitude here where love & gratitude shine like suns in the sky of the mind. this is the role that completes all roles, final absolution. this is the end of roles, concepts, divisions, all mentation. this is the point of the needle of now, the collapse of words. yet the body throbs to sun, sky, earth, water & to rhythm, to music's rhythm that leads us home, removes separation. music is the dream's exit door, opening into Shiva who is the dweller in my heart & the maker of music. music is my training wheels, helping me dissolve boundaries into primal sound & thus to merge into You, Lord Shiva. beat Your damaru drum like my very own fast-beating heart! keep the rhythm strong. i follow it back to my origin. even training wheels will fall away in the fullness of time.