soft upon the senses darkness descends, gently pressing, inviting acceptance, surrender. this is the fruitful darkness of gestation where borders blur & numinous exchange can happen spontaneously. words are too slow for this subtle realm, too angular, sharp & hard. like knives carving water, they give motion mimicking meaning, yet little is clear & nothing enduring remains for long. the gentle fruitful darkness is like a womb, allowing growth of life without disturbance, nurturing & holding it in the divinely provided secure protection. i come from that darkness to You, Shiva, called forth by the sacred mystery of Your summons, alluring as the glow of a night-blooming blossom in the pale new moonlight. soft upon the senses, darkness deepens, gently pressing, hinting of surrender to the fullness of gestation. this is where we touch, far beyond borders or worlds. this is where words are put aside & communion of pure essence reaches forth, heart to heart. this is all i know, Shiva: the slow unveiling of the wordless, the advent of light born of the fruitful darkness, the abundant mother of form.
when i threw myself headlong & heartshort into the rowdy suffering of the world, You gave that to me, You allowed me the vividly intense experience i sought. thank You, Shiva. i learned to endure & to value the kindnesses that kindled my heart. when i wrapped myself deeply in my personal sorrows, You gave that to me as well. Your permissions were generous. my greed was strong & omnivorous & relentless. thank You, Shiva, for allowing me the deepening darkness that urged me to seek the light. when i called out to You in love & longing, You came to me & held me to Your heart. You remained with me as i meandered the obscure paths & the hard brightly paved ways. You turned my life around when You transported me in my car to a different road than the one i had set out upon. You wonder-bombed me, awed me silent, stunned & still. You got my attention, enraptured me, woke me up & laid a new path before me. on this new path we walk together & You teach me, remind me of what i forgot. You comfort me in the midst of discomfort. You instruct me as guide & companion. Shiva, for the time of intimacy to come i had to be stripped of my armor, my shiny conclusions & competence, & brought to the knees of my humility. it is here that i surrender my love to You & open to Your love beyond words. so it is that You place me here in Your service within the crucible of Your love. thank You, Shiva. without You all is hollow, yet dense enough to leave bruises behind. with You Life is rich & promising like an april sunrise on a sentinel hill in the pure realm of the devoted heart. i am Yours, Shiva. You are Lord of my heart.
some days i am like a cloud floating in the wide blue sky, sun streaming into me like fingers of divine blessing, wind carrying me effortlessly in a smooth swift flow. other days i slog my way through the thick mud of the day, struggling to take just one more step forward yet again in the endless trudging of step after step after step. some days i lay flat on my back in mud, surrendering to inertia like an old balloon slowly deflating. other days i say Your name before i fully awake, feeling You deep within the hidden chamber of my heart &, finding You there, lift my hands in glad salutation. today i see all these changing shapes of the shifting days, witness the flickering parade of possibilities. they are so real to the human self pushing through maya! my heart opens in compassionate wonder & soft love. i seek refuge in You, Shiva. i am Yours forever.
i stand with You as together we review the years of my life. You show me the times -- so many! -- that You reached Your hand out to me. i did not see! i did not know! i was hypnotized, lost & blind as i wandered in search of You, finally feeling abandoned, concluding that i was alone. i was not alone. You were there. i rejoice that i know it now. You fill up my heart from within -- You are the heat & the movement of the urgent body & mind. You embrace me now from within, fill the space between all the cells. i am contained & surrounded, my heart is surrendered to You. You are by my side constantly, whispering Your encouragement.