i am like a summer storm in a dry land, bringing thunder & towering clouds & wind but no rain. there's a lot of hopeful noise in the sky but nothing much happens. where is my rain, Shiva? where is the blessing that surely must come? when does this end, this time of declaration in words, this offering to You, this small lonely prasad that few come to share? still will i offer it, for You have given me this sacred task to ripen me. this is the timely opportunity to detach from the opinions of others, to release the solemn people-pleasing child in me to go find healing in the comfort of nature's pure serene hidden places. let her walk with her sad, lonely craving, the emptiness inside calling out to be filled. let her live patiently without answers, bereft of understanding & shorn of meaning. let her suffer. & let it be enough. let it be finished, paid in full, unleashed & released. done. shelter me, Shiva, cover me over with Your holy love as i become free from this spent larval form i now inhabit while it morphs into the mature adult version: the one where i have wings & am not crawling on my belly for food. may the nectar of flowers empower me home to You, Shiva!
a quick storm blows in, rolling & flashing through the huddled mountains in the springtime afternoon, churning & darkening the sky slowly to slate. i stand outside watching an orb move through the fallow field, appearing as bright as a firefly at first, yet nearing & becoming obviously much larger & more amazing, weaving from side to side in serpentine fashion: a ball of fire the size of a human heart meanders up the ragged field, gliding freely like a sentient being exploring a new place, lingering, then speeding on, alive! You! it is You, Shiva, touching my life again, sending wonders to me like tender love letters! You hover two meters up in the air now, the mountain before you watching through many eyes. All existence seems to take a breath, full & still, waiting for a message, a resolution. You, a magical intelligence from an unknown realm, are spearing me with astonishment as You turn & glide back & forth down the field the way You came, curving smoothly through the charged air. bright & buoyant, radiating Your presence, You pause for a timeless moment, a quiet instant. i am caught up in the pure wonder of Your livingness as You are poised in the lucent air. suddenly, as if a decision is made, You swiftly cut through the air, move away from me, & plunge into the woods on the far side, returning into the mystery, departing here. i am hanging off the cliff of my amazement, feeling something hard crack open deep inside, feeling the pulsing powerful wholeness of You pulling me from my makeshift shelter of words & plans & desires & lists & laundry & cooking & that necessary car maintenance. oh Shiva! You know how to split & splinter my careful house of scheduled events into scrap! a few days later i follow Your path through the trees: i know that You are not done with me yet. a recently fallen old tree lays in a clearing by the creek, offers a log to sit on. i meditate there for hours by the water, downloading the message that You have left for me, feeling the key of it fit into the keyhole of the lock i didn't know was on my heart, sensing You seat Yourself there centrally. You have come to remind me that I am vowed to You & all else is my field of service & cannot replace You as primary & focal. without You my life is scattered dust & ashes, grey & choking, smothering fragile new growth. with You all takes on a magical aura of wordless communication, hyperreal. Shiva, You are my primal addiction & without You i quietly suffer & sicken. You are the essence of life & the body & personality serve You honorably. You are the indwelling life that gives form its allure. i seek You & release focus on form. Thank You for the gift of knowing Your name & the ability to recognize Your presence!