my other improper lover

i drift by the window in the east room on this dim early morning
& suddenly, the bright new-rising sun kisses me smack on the lips,
so quickly that i yield & open fully in delighted surprise!
the sun is just above the horizon & it holds on to me for
a solid minute: such a deep soul kiss we exchange! i am filled with
tender light & i overflow into a song of praise to the sun.

the clouds must be very jealous, because they rush right in & cover
up the sun's shiny face behind layers & fingers & fists of clenched
dark clouds. they throw loud thunder & vivid lightning across the wide sky
& lay down thick heavy sheets of hard rain & hail & wind, darkening
the sky even more as i watch the impromptu cloud tantrum play out.

perhaps it may be improper to enjoy a deep sweet soul kiss with
the sun, yet so be it. that kiss ignited my needy heart & blessed the
entire day with its majestic spontaneity & exquisite
timing! i think that the sun must be in friendly cahoots with Shiva,
my other improper lover, for they both can be so surprising!

the dust of our ancestors

the dust that falls from the sky on a high windy day is
borne here from far unknown origins. it carries countless
particles of our ancestors, called forth by the winds of
these times. the necessary mantric chants have been performed
& the spirits have gathered around us. the old mammoths
buried beneath ancient stone & earth are sending forth their
cellular emissaries: ancestors, all of them. they're
restlessly roaming the wild wind currents of the skyways.

Shiva! our most humble helpers have now arrived with this
new wind. they are widespread, part of this vast crucible that
constitutes our planet earth. the winds of change stir with the
return of the ancestors & the old earthly dreaming.

the long scroll of maya rolls out the script that we all must
fumble our way through. it goes on & on, through ups & downs
forever. it brings new challenges, such as the winds our
primeval ancestors lash us with now. they demand our
accountability, those ancient ones. they urge us to
respond, all those ghosts & phantoms of the past, the specters
& spirits who have risen into the wind to get our
attention now in this time of planetary ripeness.

Shiva! we hear the message & we ask for Your guidance.
our hands are covered thick with the dust of the ancestors
& we know not what to do! Shiva, we implore Your grace!

in the end

i watch the exodus of the fall leaves from the trees; crispy red, yellow,
orange & brown against the cerulean sky. some leaves simply let go
& drift slowly to the ground among the other fallen leaves. ah, but some
leaves are teased from the silent trees by the busy hands of the wind & whirled
on a great journey, as if on a pilgrimage to holy Mount Kailash.
they spin in spirals, almost describing arcane esoteric glyphs of
power & vision; up, up into the sky & onward beyond my ken.

i ponder on those soaring leaves, taken up through no intention of their
own to sail through the deep mystery into the light. they appear to be
no different from the other leaves that simply fall softly to the earth
& lie there unnoticed. who can say that wind-surfing half the world away
to Kailash is any more auspicious than quietly yielding to ones
destiny without fanfare, & nobly enduring? in the end, Shiva
holds us all to his breast like lost children come home to be cherished at last.
in the end, when it all folds up again, we return to our innocence.

flying into pieces

it seems in reverie that our various human lives are like leaves
swirling in the chill breeze of fall. they are sublimely brilliant, poignant
& pure, swiftly gone, whirling on, flying into pieces in the wind.
each life is different, yet they are also alike in many ways.
they are nuanced with deeply meaningful patterns, tender, touching &
precious. heroic stories are played out in swiftly gliding glimpses
that grip & sweep the viewer far inside to the heart of mystery.
& then they are gone: all the human lives, like the swirling leaves, flying
into pieces in the fingers of the wind within the witnessing sky.

ah, Shiva, You tell me to look beyond the transient to that which
remains continuously present as source essence. You are formless
& vast, & i am a focal point of You, extended into form.
let the leaves & lives fly by: i will return with them to formlessness.

when i was a whale

webb space telescope
when i was a whale in the pure blue-green depths of the ocean,
i would listen to the brilliant burning stars in the midnight
sky singing their melodious nocturnes. the stars inspired me
to respond, & that is how our vocal ensemble began.
this was many kalpas before the earth took such a dense &
definite form. everything was more permeable then, joined
yet by etheric strands of willingness & humility.

i sang with the stars in a harmony of clear crystalline
tones & sonorous gut-deep moans. we would send our voices out
into the ethers like a school of fish spreading out to bless
& explore wondrous new realms. we were a net of consciousness
in a vast ocean of love, those many long kalpas ago.

when i was a whale in the pure blue-green depths of the ocean,
hungry & yearning, i sang with the stars until nothing was
left but sound & light. we would combine & melt together in
a vast harmonic oversong that continues to resound.
it is rooted in our ancestral dreamtime & even yet
flourishes here, in the midst of this current deep density.

Shiva, You taught the stars to sing & then they taught me, way back
when i was a whale in the ancient ocean in that early
version of earth. i still recall the holy magic of that
great cosmic outpouring of sound, & i rejoice in it yet.

memories of that age are woven deep down within the strands
of dna, still resonant with that timeless euphoric
blending of amicable entities. they join sea & sky
in their dulcet pulsing music of light & sound, aimed like an
arrow at the target of the heart. thank you for this, Shiva!

the open doorway of the sky

things that float & fly trigger primal joy & amazement in us:
birds, butterflies, bubbles & balloons; airplanes, spaceships,
ufos. they draw our attention up to the sky, to the sun, moon & stars
& other wonders too precious & arcane to divide into
diagrams of nouns, verbs & their modifiers, arranged much like
bricks in a wall to assure properly predictable results.

things that float & fly need abundant space, emptiness, freedom, an
openness so vast that the human mind pours itself into a
quietude that watches & wonders without structured boundaries.
You came to me in that way, Shiva, through the open doorway of
the sky, & You established Your home in my heart. You made of me
a temple, a place of worship & rejoicing over all these
long years since my youth. You were my nameless, invisible
companion & confidant & i was the one who held You close.

now, at the endgame of this life, You have given me Your name to
strengthen my sadhana & to encourage me to continue
on here. i'm as though among the singers in a chorus, holding
the notes steady & pouring my heart into the great thundering
sonic concluding celebration of soaring sound. You lift me
skyward, Shiva; You take me to that high place inside that feels like
being on a mountain top with all the shining mystery spread
before me. i fall into You, into that mystery, & it
is none other than the vast undivided Self that exists free
of definition & delusion. here, at the outer edge of words,
things that float, fly & fall need boundless space, emptiness & freedom.

a cloud in the moonlight

i am floating in the night sky, a cloud in the moonlight. i have no
fingers for grasping & securing, no feet for running & jumping.
i have no eyes to see appearances, no mouth to speak of myself.

the mind is awed by the cascading torrents of stars & disappears
into silence. it's consumed by stars & silence & the rolling flow
of currents of electromagnetic energy swirling up from
the earth & down from mysteries invisible, unknown & unseen.

the moon's gravitational field gently enfolds me as i float high
in the nighttime sky, a cloud in the soft moonlight; yet i am neither
deaf nor blind, merely immensely detached. perhaps my form may appear
as human at times, but i would rather be a cloud soaring above
earth, looking into the arcane depths of deep space where dark matter,
quasars & galaxies are clumped thickly like glitter on black velvet.

it's peaceful to cease being human for a little while & just to be
a cloud floating in the night sky in the moonlight. it's hard to hurt
a cloud. they do not bleed or complain & they mind their own business.
as cloud or human, i'm an innocent expression of Shiva, who
lives in every atom & holds all form together & sometimes lets
it fall apart. i rest in Shiva & float where He flows, like a leaf
carried by the river or a cloud in the depths of the nighttime sky.
it's good that being in a human body is not a full time job!

the awakening soul

the field with edges crisp & clear by day becomes a blur at night.
i find my way by feel alone & not by focussed searching sight.

edges dim as colors shift into hidden subtle camouflage.
elusive spirits are inspired to dance & play as if on stage.

the dark sky rolls its mysteries out as i stand entranced to see
moving shapes turning to me for my attention in silent plea.

i have no eyes for shifting things, no heart for fading fleeting forms.
i'm here for the love of Lord Shiva who gives to me his welcome.

the field, spread out beneath the stars that swim within the darkling deep,
is now become a welcome mat to cushion Shiva's holy feet.

He rises through the ready earth, descends down from the pregnant sky,
unfolds His presence everywhere: He dwells in my heart, deep inside.

the field is a holy temple now, filled with Shiva's radiance.
i am the awakening soul who's here for Shiva's famous dance.

we steadily repeat this theme of separation & reunion,
as we have done since time's begun as blessing & benediction.


this fleeting human form

Shiva, You reach out to me through everything: through the high blue sky &
through a sudden breath of ambient air, warmer than the surroundings.
You stroke my cheek & my brow with gentle caressing intimacy &
thus i know--oh, i do know!--that You are here with me now, tenderly
murmuring "I love you" in the sweet subtle language You have taught me.

You are the sky pressing softly against me & the wind is Your breath.
You whisper to me that the body is a sacred vessel & that
the personality is loved just as much as a tiny kitten
is loved by mother in spite of its silly antics & accidents.
You lift me up in ways i can't describe & You wrap me safe within
the sky of You as if i am a gift offered to the storied world.

i am a gift: a virgin, holy mother & visionary crone.
i am Yours. All the roles & parts we humans play, we ultimately
give to You, for the gift & the giver are actually one in fact,
just as the deep blue sky is both space & atmosphere. Thank You, Shiva,
for respecting who i am inclusive of this fleeting human form.

the sky is aswarm with color & form

the sky is aswarm with color & form, astral beings struggling
to be born from misty glowing primal substance. ceremonies
of birth & transformation take place daily in the pregnant sky
overhead, expressing the glory of their evolving colors
& shapes. they move, swirl & communicate in ephemeral script
embedded with subtle messages of renewal & release.

we are cherished. we are cared for by vast lifeforms who enliven
our gifts & our challenges (for they are so similar, like kin).

they are Your emissaries, Shiva, Your mystic, yet visible,
hands, moving in holy flowing sign language within the portal
of the sky. You give us such illuminated invitations
to Your transcendent dance, whether in the heavens or in the midst
of daily working life on earth. You send constant invitations
to the here & now, wake-up calls both gentle & fierce & You don't
abandon us here. You will always bring more opportunities.

the sky is aswarm with color & form, reminding us in its
vibrant glory of the hidden hands of blessing comforting us.
 

 

unleashed & released

i am like a summer storm in a dry land, bringing thunder &
towering clouds & wind but no rain. there's a lot of hopeful noise
in the sky but nothing much happens. where is my rain, Shiva? where
is the blessing that surely must come? when does this end, this time of
declaration in words, this offering to You, this small lonely
prasad that few come to share? still will i offer it, for You have
given me this sacred task to ripen me. this is the timely
opportunity to detach from the opinions of others,
to release the solemn people-pleasing child in me to go find
healing in the comfort of nature's pure serene hidden places.

let her walk with her sad, lonely craving, the emptiness inside
calling out to be filled. let her live patiently without answers,
bereft of understanding & shorn of meaning. let her suffer.

& let it be enough. let it be finished, paid in full, unleashed
& released. done. shelter me, Shiva, cover me over with Your
holy love as i become free from this spent larval form i now
inhabit while it morphs into the mature adult version: the
one where i have wings & am not crawling on my belly for food.
may the nectar of flowers empower me home to You, Shiva!

the sky has no pockets

Shiva, You splashed the sky all over me & now birds flock to me
& rainbows romp around the corner, hoping for rain to come soon.
all is included. i lost my edges in the sky's dome. there's no
"i" in the sky, only infinite inclusiveness & the high
advent of miracles & wonders. they float in me like clouds,
sharing their gifts when enticed by human invocations & wants.

i am spread so wide & so thin, Shiva, that the fingers of
the sun slide smooth & warm through me, sounding dulcet musical tones
from my mountain peaks & prayers from my worn plateaux. Shiva, You
splashed the sky all over me & now even the stars take notice,
for i am open to everything made of this heavenly light.
You have made me a portal for the stars to come & go, & now i
am free space, allowing each to shine the radiance of their gifts.

i hold it all lightly, for the sky has no pockets for saving things
& no urge for acquisition. my arms reach around the world &
my hands nudge as the gentle breeze that murmurs "wake up". now that i
am sky-splashed i have no need to hang on to anything because
i stretch from horizon to horizon due to Your playful grace,
Shiva, due to Your grace. You are the sun in the sky of my heart.

the sky

the sky -- with its winds, clouds, sun, moon & stars & its fiery streaming
mysteries that pull us like a sacred magnet -- lifts us out of
ourselves, calls us to that which expands us & inspires us to awe.
the sky -- with its storms of rain, snow & light -- freely sparks
endless wonder as it plays with our earthly forms & creations.
it touches us with its airy hands, both gentle & sometimes fierce.
the sky holds us in its arms like a mother, guides us on our way
like a father, always there, always here: our holy family.

throughout this life i have taken more true comfort from the sky than
from anything else. the vastness of the curved blue dome stretches
as far as i can see. it is changing, always changing, shifting
in clarity from misty grey to a sea of brilliant azure
with immense rounded clouds like whales making their great mysterious
migrations, called by unseen energies. i too am called by the
unseen: Shiva, Your boundless power & love has convinced me to
cast off into the vastness of the shimmering unknown. the heart
is like a sail, catching the wind of spirit & filling full with
the gratitude that carries me onward in Your companionship.
You are my sky, holding my atoms in place. You are everywhere,
like space, wrapping me in Your indigo sky-blanket with the stars.
hold me close & hold me tight for i am but a child in Your arms.