Shiva, i have been following Your instructions to review my life from the mature perspective that sees a long lifetime of patterns & events. i am to release the stories from all who have offered their opinions of me throughout this life. i am to let go of my conclusions based on hearsay & social pressure to follow a script. i am to welcome those events that light up with meaning & life & a quickened spring in my step. i am to honor my dreamtime intuition & to notice hints & clues left in my night dreams. i am to respect all that warms & lights me up, all the playful creativity expressing like sudden patches of wild violets tempting from the beaten path of well-trod obedience. i am to recompose my current life story now that i see the patterns of the old version. all those characters are dead or far away now & i am free of the weight of the burden they unknowingly placed upon my shoulders & mind. there are none to convince, none to resist either. only i know my story, as You also do because You are teaching me how to see it now & know it as my genuine experience through the healing power of poetry & prose. I have been following Your instructions, Shiva, mellowing into age & gaining depth & peace.
a quick storm blows in, rolling & flashing through the huddled mountains in the springtime afternoon, churning & darkening the sky slowly to slate. i stand outside watching an orb move through the fallow field, appearing as bright as a firefly at first, yet nearing & becoming obviously much larger & more amazing, weaving from side to side in serpentine fashion: a ball of fire the size of a human heart meanders up the ragged field, gliding freely like a sentient being exploring a new place, lingering, then speeding on, alive! You! it is You, Shiva, touching my life again, sending wonders to me like tender love letters! You hover two meters up in the air now, the mountain before you watching through many eyes. All existence seems to take a breath, full & still, waiting for a message, a resolution. You, a magical intelligence from an unknown realm, are spearing me with astonishment as You turn & glide back & forth down the field the way You came, curving smoothly through the charged air. bright & buoyant, radiating Your presence, You pause for a timeless moment, a quiet instant. i am caught up in the pure wonder of Your livingness as You are poised in the lucent air. suddenly, as if a decision is made, You swiftly cut through the air, move away from me, & plunge into the woods on the far side, returning into the mystery, departing here. i am hanging off the cliff of my amazement, feeling something hard crack open deep inside, feeling the pulsing powerful wholeness of You pulling me from my makeshift shelter of words & plans & desires & lists & laundry & cooking & that necessary car maintenance. oh Shiva! You know how to split & splinter my careful house of scheduled events into scrap! a few days later i follow Your path through the trees: i know that You are not done with me yet. a recently fallen old tree lays in a clearing by the creek, offers a log to sit on. i meditate there for hours by the water, downloading the message that You have left for me, feeling the key of it fit into the keyhole of the lock i didn't know was on my heart, sensing You seat Yourself there centrally. You have come to remind me that I am vowed to You & all else is my field of service & cannot replace You as primary & focal. without You my life is scattered dust & ashes, grey & choking, smothering fragile new growth. with You all takes on a magical aura of wordless communication, hyperreal. Shiva, You are my primal addiction & without You i quietly suffer & sicken. You are the essence of life & the body & personality serve You honorably. You are the indwelling life that gives form its allure. i seek You & release focus on form. Thank You for the gift of knowing Your name & the ability to recognize Your presence!
i see evidence of You here in my life. just as i see the small unfurling green leaves & know that springtime is surely very near, so do i register Your holy presence. there are no proper words, yet there is blessing, there is the unfolding of a precious truth nourishing the heart within the outer heart. when i say Your name, You approach me closely. i don't see You, yet i declare Your presence. i don't hear You, yet we talk every day. i would give up the world before i would lose You. without Your presence, the world is like cardboard. Shiva! You are the life within the body; You are why there is a body here at all! thus do i register Your holy presence.
to me You have no form, though i love the forms ascribed to You. You are essence, presence, numinous energy signature. You are within me as i move in the vast ocean of You. You signal to me through clouds & i reply in semaphore. my whole life is a semaphore, an action-adventure play designed to get Your attention, to call You to see my need. i tire of action & searching & i turn within to rest. so it is that in the calm of this silence, You come to me. You come. You come like the breeze, like dew at dawn, like the stars emerging out of nothingness into somethingness, calling out my name. You wrap around me as if skin, & i breathe You like the air until i grow bright as the crescent moon shining in Your hair, placed in the darkness of Your hair, no longer able to speak, silently rejoicing in You who are hidden in all forms. You are essence & presence, evoking deep recognition. You call Your own & i respond, fighting through forgetfulness. i continually move forward, slowly & steadily. Your energy is my primal imprint, marking me for You. i am Your agent of transformation coming home to You.
the sky is inscribed with my love song to You, Shiva! or perhaps that lacy script floating upon the blue is Your dear love song to me as my heart sings to you. thus do the heavens truly resound with the power of Your subtle existence, clothed in swift-moving clouds, clothed in the yearning of the heart & my vow to You. all that i see takes on the form of our communion, places us together, united, joined forever. You are the lens i observe through, revealer of love. You have stitched together the pieces of my torn life, etched Your presence on my heart & tenderly nurtured hidden memories into full extravagant bloom. the perfume of Your presence gives a heady sweetness to life as i scan the sky for Your messages sent by bird, by cloud, sun & stars in their many millions. Shiva, hold me in Your eclectic companionship that my energy may be of service to the world as the heart sings Your name like a love song.
the curve of the bird's wings as it circles high overhead is spelling out Your name, the one i enfold in my heart. i circle with the bird around You, Shiva, around You. You abide in me, deep inside in my secret heart-cave at the center of the circle, the hidden cave within. the circling embraces this central space, the holy place wherein we meet & join & then begin again anew. this disclosure spills out from the spiraling bird's wingtips to fall into my heart & to grow into this sharing: You abide in me, deep inside in my secret heart-cave. we are not two for we are but one, with circling echoes.
the field is open & bare, harvested to stubble, soaking up the streaming light of the sun, rejoicing. the sun, in sacred union with the whole rolling earth, blazes love & joy into the entire galaxy. the galaxy, in vast dance with other galaxies, spins in etheric quantum entanglement & love. love like dark matter. love like nebulae, like quasars. love like gravity, like magnetism, like lightning. love moving like the tides or like blood & lymph flowing. love like egg & sperm uniting. love like human birth. it's the same everywhere: this dance of energy, the holy harmonium sounding a sacred chord that echoes through the heart & bloodstream like music, pure! Shiva, the stars are shining in the sky of my eyes in the heavenly quantum entanglement called love where i am filled with the sound of Your sweet primal OM.
You shake me like a garment in the wind & the vasanas fly away like dust. i shiver, stripped down to my bare essence, yet rejoice when i see You at the heart of each unsettling disturbance & change. You hold me in my rawness, respectful & close & wrap Your light full around me. the world fades into moving shadows, brushed aside by the swift sweep of Your hand, & still You hold me close to You, Shiva. You strip the ancient karmic mask from me that conceals my true effulgent nature. You face me in Your solar radiance & all-pervading positive regard. You tell me i am Yours, marked with Your sign. this harsh human life is no loss, Shiva, not in the face of such noble blessing. the temporal moving shadows recede, flickering at the edge of awareness like distant darkness melting into dawn. & still You hold me close to You, Shiva.
there were many times in my life when You came to me & i did not recognize You, yet You reached deep down into me & seized my attention, drawing me forth through its sharp needle to pierce the moment & mark it for remembrance forever in my heart's memory. i trace the thread to its origin: it's You, always You in varied form & stance all throughout this long life. the more i search, the more robustly do you emerge within my heart, dancing to the beat of its drumming. please hold me in Your arms that i may honor Your call for consummation without condition. I yield now. i offer all freely, tenderly, ceaselessly.
when i threw myself headlong & heartshort into the rowdy suffering of the world, You gave that to me, You allowed me the vividly intense experience i sought. thank You, Shiva. i learned to endure & to value the kindnesses that kindled my heart. when i wrapped myself deeply in my personal sorrows, You gave that to me as well. Your permissions were generous. my greed was strong & omnivorous & relentless. thank You, Shiva, for allowing me the deepening darkness that urged me to seek the light. when i called out to You in love & longing, You came to me & held me to Your heart. You remained with me as i meandered the obscure paths & the hard brightly paved ways. You turned my life around when You transported me in my car to a different road than the one i had set out upon. You wonder-bombed me, awed me silent, stunned & still. You got my attention, enraptured me, woke me up & laid a new path before me. on this new path we walk together & You teach me, remind me of what i forgot. You comfort me in the midst of discomfort. You instruct me as guide & companion. Shiva, for the time of intimacy to come i had to be stripped of my armor, my shiny conclusions & competence, & brought to the knees of my humility. it is here that i surrender my love to You & open to Your love beyond words. so it is that You place me here in Your service within the crucible of Your love. thank You, Shiva. without You all is hollow, yet dense enough to leave bruises behind. with You Life is rich & promising like an april sunrise on a sentinel hill in the pure realm of the devoted heart. i am Yours, Shiva. You are Lord of my heart.
for long years i have followed You from the burning ground, Shiva. now You come to me in the turmoil of my kurukshetra. i know this much: no matter what the surroundings & events, i love You. i dwell upon You. i call You. i cling to You. i wrap Your holy presence around me like a second skin & this empowers me through the necessary severings: the old falling away, the new pushing through the yielding dark into the light, opening the shy heart, freeing the bound mind from the burden of impeding ruminations & insults. now You have come to me in my most private kurukshetra, for i followed You from the heat & smoke of the burning ground. Your presence strengthens me in this destined battle which i face. Shiva, You are my shield & protection. You are my refuge.
there is a great organizing power in the universe that calls us forth to develop & share our skills & gifts, that will repeatedly offer opportunity to practice & realms that are needful of our unfolding abilities. dear Shiva, thank You for this auspicious divine healing time. thank You for every happening that frees me from my shell. thank You for receiving & accepting what i offer You. a thousand bows of gratitude for OM NAMAH SHIVAYA!
in this life everything serves wholeness & healing. even when things fall apart & end badly, in shreds, all nevertheless serves to bless our unfolding growth as divine beings discovering our potential to transcend events & actions in this hungry world. i keep on returning to You, Shiva, for in You there is comfort & strength to persist & persevere with the many worldly duties that call for presence, attention & compassion. i am glad to be able to serve, even in the smallest most humble of ways, for every single act is a gateway to You. bless the innocent heart as Your holy dwelling place!