the openness of disclosure


Shiva, when You gave me this sadhana of sharing my journey
with You by way of poetry in a blog, it deepened my life.
i thought of wordpress as a platform for creating a webpage.
i did not realize that it is also a community
of people sharing their insights & life events from various
perspectives & interests, yet all with respectful courtesy.

poetry especially fosters this acceptance, for it is
like a finger pointing to something vital & heartfelt, as there
is the openness of disclosure & the freedom to share.

along with this, our culture & society tend to promote
focus on the gender differences between men & women.
in my sadhana on this path of Sanatana Dharma, i'm
detaching from the body-mind identity & sharing as
the observer & witness to the daily drama of this life.

because of this, i did not choose to reveal the body gender.
there have been times when gender has been assumed & i am addressed
as "sir". since i greatly value truth, i did add "wife & mother"
to my bio under the menu choice "this happened: the story".
this is where i look when i read a blog, so this seemed a good place.

Shiva, i find that each level of growth & evolution brings
the deep work of intensifying clarity & compassion.
it's like climbing a mountain, to discover a vast expanse of
mountains & plateaux going on & on into the far distance.

yet it's only the next step that i need to concern myself with.
so i focus on Your companionship, Shiva, holding Your hand,
walking on this path of inner unfoldment, always attending
to the very next step, seeking harmony & rapport with You.

Shiva, You know me by my energy-signature & essence.
i am grateful. the form is not important but the purity
of intention does matter. thank You for this opportunity
to be forthcoming & visible to others in service & gratitude to You.
OM NAMAH SHIVAYA

lord of trees

fruit hanging on the tree ripens from tart to sweet, ever
maturing & softening, becoming lushly juicy.
fully ripe fruit may fall from the tree, offering itself
to the passing hungry beings, to all who search for food.
this is the dharma of fruit: to nourish all, that the seed
inside may be carried to fertile soil to continue
the ageless cycle of replication & provision.

Shiva, You have given me sweetness, color & fragrance.
i hang here on this branch, ripe & awaiting Your harvest
in the coming time, in the season of ingathering.
whether i grow on the highest branch or on the lowest
is of no concern, for You see my innate potential
transcending the exterior circumstances. You are
the lord of trees, of the green world, Shiva, overseeing
their divine gifts of nurture, shelter, ceaseless protection
& generosity. in the same way, people who give
of themselves without measure abide in Your protection.

i am here on this branch awaiting Your harvest, Shiva,
giving myself to Your service, for this is my dharma.

Lord of my heart

when i threw myself headlong & heartshort into the rowdy suffering of the world,
You gave that to me, You allowed me the vividly intense experience i sought.
thank You, Shiva. i learned to endure & to value the kindnesses that kindled my heart.

when i wrapped myself deeply in my personal sorrows, You gave that to me as well.
Your permissions were generous. my greed was strong & omnivorous & relentless.
thank You, Shiva, for allowing me the deepening darkness that urged me to seek the light.

when i called out to You in love & longing, You came to me & held me to Your heart.
You remained with me as i meandered the obscure paths & the hard brightly paved ways.
You turned my life around when You transported me in my car to a different road
than the one i had set out upon. You wonder-bombed me, awed me silent, stunned & still.

You got my attention, enraptured me, woke me up & laid a new path before me.
on this new path we walk together & You teach me, remind me of what i forgot.
You comfort me in the midst of discomfort. You instruct me as guide & companion.

Shiva, for the time of intimacy to come i had to be stripped of my armor,
my shiny conclusions & competence, & brought to the knees of my humility.
it is here that i surrender my love to You & open to Your love beyond words.

so it is that You place me here in Your service within the crucible of Your love.
thank You, Shiva. without You all is hollow, yet dense enough to leave bruises behind.
with You Life is rich & promising like an april sunrise on a sentinel hill
in the pure realm of the devoted heart. i am Yours, Shiva. You are Lord of my heart.

i answered yes

hightop mountain, fletcher NC
i was called by a mountain & i answered yes,
enjoying seventeen sacred years of service
at her living leafy green feet. i answered yes.
she showed me hidden wonders, held me close,
nursed me with her secret sweet flowing cool waters.

the mountain invited her scattered family
to hear the songs i sincerely sang as i walked
her shadowed paths among the tall trees & boulders.
raccoons & bears & bobcats & foxes lived there.
possums & crows & owls, hawks & squirrels--they came
& all listened to me as i sang hymns of praise
to all the gods & holy beings living there.
i answered yes to each & every one, blessed
by nature & higher realms i could not conceive.
i was called by the Divine & i answered yes.

thus we meet again, Shiva, further down the path.
the daughter of the mountain now comes to You.

You want me

i don't know why You want me here.
i don't know if what i do is
what You actually want from me.

i only know that You want me,
for You branded that deep within
my innermost wordless true self.

hence all my actions are given
to You in hope that i offer
that which is needful as You call
on me now to act in the world.

i use what You give. You give it
to be applied on Your behalf.
in the end, at the completion,
i only return what is Yours.

that You want me, this i do know
& nothing else really matters.

just as i am

You keep on limiting my experiences with people
& calling me back to You for yet deeper sadhana.
i think that i was not embodied for this human world
but rather to serve as an expression of Your outreach.
could it truly be that this inner life is my service?
that i am to cleave to You alone & simply to love?
that my presence here on this earth is to bless everything
without attachment to striving & doing & having?
am i enough for You, Shiva, just as i am, like this?

i bow to You in gratitude for all You have given.
You are my source & my refuge, dear divine companion,
& enough has been shared in all these clumsy words:
now, Shiva, my heart will speak to You in simple silence.

this quest

You have set me apart
from the start of this life.
the pattern continues:
my yearning for union,
seeking to cleave to one
other person & place.
this ever eludes me.

what choice have i but to
turn to You, true constant
in the kaleidoscope
of this impermanence?
You sent me on this quest,
You accompany me.
i cling to You, Shiva.
You don't turn me away --
how could the heart turn from
its very own beating?

we are the people

we are the people
of flesh & smoke,
children of the dream,
shaping our hands
into alphabets
for those who cannot hear.

we cannot hear!

we are the people
of blood & bone,
gathering our food,
protecting it
with swords, hands & words,
urged on by our desire.

we are hungry!

we are the people
of mist & fog
who rise & dissolve--
invisible--
as the sun drinks up
the water of our lives.

we are fleeting!

we are the people
who rise & fall,
a luminous rain
to soak the soil
with blood & blessing,
turning & returning.

we rise & fall!

we are smoke & mist,
drifting in dream
in this reverie,
lovely maya,
sweetly inviting,
shadows urged to action.

we are so dazed!

our hands form the shape
of the word "love".
our hearts demand this.
love gives itself,
offers a place to stand
even in this dream.
although our blossoms fade,

we are fragrant!