when You came to me at first, Shiva, i was newly mature in body & yet a child in my mind & heart. You were beautiful & good & kind & You revealed that You loved me & that i was good & perfect at heart, & You held me within Your own heart, so very close that i became love. i melted into endless vast love, wanted it like oxygen & light -- to be enfolded & suspended in goodness, beauty & gentleness! transcendent, divine, all-pervading! when You came to me at first, Shiva, i was tender & raw in this world, betrayed & broken down to sorrow. therefore i returned from our union in amazed disbelief that such love could ever be mine. i turned away. i turned away from Your light & love in shame at my own disordered life, undeserving of pure divine love. i plunged down a precipitous path in thoughtless, careless exploration. i would descend to the depths; i chose to discern the domain of darkness. i shut You out in raging despair, throwing myself away to the world, a boulder rolling down a mountain. i could not bear the weight of Your light. thus darkness swallowed me entirely & i wallowed in grey shame & pain while the universe wheeled around me in ecstatic song, calling my name. calling my name again & again, tapping me on the head, sending me visions of You loving me, Shiva, until i slowly lifted my face to see You offer a love letter. i accepted it, took it to heart, soaked up Your love like dry ground in rain & moved forward from the shadowland. You set me free when i was able to accept such glorious freedom. i no longer turn away, Shiva. You are my doorway, sun, moon & stars. i open to You in devotion. You're a patient lover, i am shy. i am divinely touched & entered. Here i am, as an open window, as a portal to deep mystery, forever changed by what i have known. i am an old woman writing this. i confess that i want You so much i secretly call You "my Shiva." You will come for me at body's death. i aim to yield & melt into You like egg & sperm in divine rapture. everything temporal & human dissolves in this ultimate union. hold me in Your embrace, my Shiva, gliding in this holy dance with me, eternal lover & companion! whirl me & turn me & take me home!