i am not meant to fit in or conform. i am made for the part of independent observer & outsider, watcher & listener. the body can no longer assert ties to my guardianship, for Shiva invites me to withdraw my vigilance over the body's condition & to release it to its natural process. i do. i release the body to its fate. i focus instead on Shiva: knowing Shiva, breathing Shiva, seeing, tasting, smelling & touching Shiva. i plunge deep into Shiva & take full refuge in Shiva, that i may live truly in Him, for i know that my home is not here. Shiva, hear my lament! or maybe it's a rallying cry for the forces of light to shine out ever more brightly & vividly. Shiva, hear my lament! or perhaps it's the dying cry of the ego as it exhausts the vasanas of the mind in weariness. Shiva, hear me in my loss & confusion & have compassion for this slowness & ignorance. hold me tightly as the ties to the world dissolve in the natural process of this transformation & flux. life is eternal; awareness is cosmic; words rest in the light of sudden pure direct knowing, & pieces & parts are one with the whole.
Shiva, i have been following Your instructions to review my life from the mature perspective that sees a long lifetime of patterns & events. i am to release the stories from all who have offered their opinions of me throughout this life. i am to let go of my conclusions based on hearsay & social pressure to follow a script. i am to welcome those events that light up with meaning & life & a quickened spring in my step. i am to honor my dreamtime intuition & to notice hints & clues left in my night dreams. i am to respect all that warms & lights me up, all the playful creativity expressing like sudden patches of wild violets tempting from the beaten path of well-trod obedience. i am to recompose my current life story now that i see the patterns of the old version. all those characters are dead or far away now & i am free of the weight of the burden they unknowingly placed upon my shoulders & mind. there are none to convince, none to resist either. only i know my story, as You also do because You are teaching me how to see it now & know it as my genuine experience through the healing power of poetry & prose. I have been following Your instructions, Shiva, mellowing into age & gaining depth & peace.