that's the name that my final husband, bill, & i called our home to the various friends, family & wanderers who came our way over the years. we were the gates family, & we named our home "way station" to indicate that it was a place to rest while on a long journey. some came & left quickly, while others became a good part of our lives for ages. all were teachers of various kinds, & we also shared all that we could with them of positive world views & lessons we learned. we included the planet "saturn" in our home name, for he is the task master & way shower, the wise companion of our elderhood. thrift & discipline as a way of life were acceptable to us: we learned from everyone & everything, intending good will to all. we named our home "space refinery" because we so cherished the deep philosophical discussions & spiritual musings that we often enjoyed with other people. we felt that we contributed positively to the planetary noosphere in this small way. for more than forty years bill & i held this vision dear to our hearts, & manifested it in our lives. even here in this nursing home, we held fast to a positive vision & ideal, glad that we were able to remain at least under the same roof until death did part us physically. we are still together in the space refinery though, for it is nonphysical in its essence. the subtle inner work continues onward, only briefly interrupted after all. such has been Your influence on me, Shiva, silently guiding me through the years, refining the best in me to a realm of purity i could not imagine in my younger years of untried ignorance. saturn is another teacher in Your cosmic university. the gates' saturn way station & space refinery was just one small classroom in Your vast cosmic university, one among many. ah Shiva, so we move into the evolving energies of now, as i plunge wholly into You: the gates' saturn way station & space refinery merges fully into the infinite unknown in sacred solemn trust in You. You take this awareness far beyond the human & temporal into my true home in You, as You. just as the planet is one with the solar system, & the solar system is one with the galaxy, so am i also one with You, Shiva. i rest in You, never to be parted, for the body's death is but the opening of the door for me finally to come home to You.
Shiva, You are the purity of light that sweeps across the psyche. You set forth that which i now need to know for dispelling the shadows falling over the vision, darkening, distorting & deadening. You encapsulate me, holding me in the purity of Your light as if i am an infant clasped in the mother's arms & suckled at her soft breast. Shiva, Your fragrance is so sweet that i am dissolving in it, becoming sweetness, emitting light like a beacon for lost travelers, or like a campfire kept burning through the night to hearten. Shiva, You are the intimacy of night, smoothing all the wrinkles & rough edges that tell of a long arduous journey, soothing the hungering heart with Your calm touch. the very atoms of You & i embrace & intermingle in communion that words cannot reveal. ah, but words can point the way & they can comfort & strengthen also, until the silence grows so deep that it muffles & floods all else but the purity of light & the long slow intimacy of the night.
i go through it again: the loss, the pain, the suffering & loneliness. again i cleave to You & give it all to You -- it's all i have to give! there is nothing to offer but the heaviness of the occluding flesh & the memorized stories about how it came to be the way it is. they are worn thin at the edges, ragged & smeared with multiple corrections. every day i throw them away again but they crawl back in the dark night. yet fewer words are there & the manuscript is thinner now over time, after these years of turning my back & resolutely walking away. oh Shiva! this is a hard lesson, all this emptiness & loneliness! it has held me down & had its ruthless way with me long enough indeed! You help me see the old eroding patterns to leave them. You guide me home. You come back for me relentlessly, You reach to me as i reach to You. i walked the cold solitary halls of separation & division & i'm headed for the door, Shiva, walking onward to full disclosure, where we share sweet infinite kindness & love without a word or a thought, & nothing stands in opposition or defense to the purity of love.