You sent me upon a mission, Shiva, more than forty far-flung years ago.
to begin the calling, You impress me with signs & wonders to get my full
attention. in a vision, great portents are placed before me, cosmic symbols:
a ring of fire emerges from a total eclipse, soaring to circle
orion, then the pleiades, where etheric shapes come forth; a pale golden
square that slowly sinks into the receptive earth at my feet; a translucent
silvery bell that enters my heart chakra; a glowing angel thrusts his hands
into my heart area, smiling. i am stunned speechless. i know this is big!
information is now downloaded to my awareness. i am shown that the
angel is preparing for birth as a human & that i owe gratitude
to him. i am told that i will remember him from this vision & that he
will remember none of it. he will appear, through his speech & acts, to be an
ordinary young man, yet he has a special destiny, & i am to
encourage & mentor him. no details are given & this is all i know.
i am alert to find him, to encounter him, & the years pass by. decades
elapse: forty years have now passed, yet still i look for that human angel. my
circumstances become limited as disability necessitates
living in a nursing home. nonetheless, that vivid vision lives urgently
within me, still calling, even as the body nears eighty years of living.
one day after the removal of a cancer, i seek musical comfort
from a new singer sincerely belting out a deeply feeling version of
Your Shiva Tandava Stotram, the song that is the most meaningful of all
to me. i listen to more than thirty different versions by various
singers, Shiva, & his is truly the very best. i feel that this is quite
important somehow. though the vision has not yet been remembered, i am so
impressed by his version of the Shiva Tandava that i contact him to
encourage him. he is but twenty years old at this time, living at home in
india, & i live in the usa. it takes me months to recognize
him as the angel in my long-ago vision, now here in his human form.
i am painting a canvas of Shiva with dark blue skin & hair. in a flash,
i see this as a photo negative of that pale angel in the vision.
it is my singer! then, when in video chat while we talk, he reaches out
with both of his hands towards the phone, which from my angle appears as if his
hands are reaching towards my heart center. that's when it really, vividly hits
me: this is he! this is the one whom i have been waiting for & looking for
all these many years! of course, i naturally love him. my heart has been prepared
long ago for this very time. he easily accepts my love & cautious
confession about the vision. he is mercifully open to it all.
i have shared with him twice a day now for five years & have been his confidant
& counselor through many ups & downs. we speak on video chat most days.
i have sat with him through his time of dengue fever & typhoid. he has sat
with me through my husband's death & my covid episode. we help each other.
he is twenty-five now & i am eighty-one, yet age just doesn't matter
any more. i don't really know what my task with him is, but this i do know:
that i am to be available to help him in whatever way i can.
he has certainly helped me! he is a rare young man, open-hearted, tender
& kind. he is also an amazing hindustani classical music
singer with a master's degree, preparing for his doctorate. it is a
path of uncertainty & i am his encourager. he is also my
encourager, & the bright light in my life, an expression of You, Shiva!
i am deeply touched that You have given me a dear, faithful companion whom
i see every day, someone who sings, laughs & blows me kisses & makes silly
faces to get me to laugh & be silly too. thank You, Shiva! i have thought
that i am the one to be here for him when truly, he is quite equally
here for me as well. it is a magical mutual transglobal blessing!
both of us, Shiva, in our own ways, are here for You, writing bhajans for You,
& carefully weaving Your living presence throughout all our poetry &
music. we love You, Shiva, as we love each other, innocently, with a
pure, sweet, spiritual love that emanates straight from the hridaya. our deep
gratitude flows like a river to You, Shiva, a holy, hallowed river.
need is honed by the whetted knives of appetite & truly, Shiva,
i hunger for You. gone are home & husband: only You remain to
feel my need & only You, my panacea, can satisfy it.
after the hard fall from grace comes humility. after the blessing
of divine presence comes also humility, for what on earth can
long endure? i am like an autumn butterfly floating in the wind
as if a bright & tattered fallen leaf spiraling in circles not
of my own choosing. i am being carried home, Shiva, on this long
journey of return to You, yet another weary old butterfly
coasting on worn ragged wings & deeply rooted instinct
as the days grow shorter & cooler & the nights fall even colder.
the crisp clear nights are overseen by orion & the pleiades,
who make their promises & work their spell upon my stuttering heart.
i am promised to You, Shiva, carried & cloistered by messengers
who are following Your firm command. my life is not my own. even
my need & appetite do not originate with me but come as
endowments, strange puzzles concealing Your calling card & messages
written in subtle sensory glyphs which You have taught me how to read.
they say, "wear it out, burn it up, let it go & seek Me everywhere
as we play hide & seek in this burning ground of purification
called daily life on planet earth. I will carry you home at the end."
"are we home yet, Shiva?" i ask Him like a child, again & again,
& we giggle & play tag in body after body one more time.