i was in death's hands, Shiva. body parts were sacrificed to survive
& cords of dark energy bound the soft flesh tightly in helplessness.
in the midst of this turmoil, You came by way of hallucinations
of warmhearted free-spirited visitors who blessed with their kindness.
You gave rollicking tuba solos & a zany doctor teaching
care of the newborn infant to new fathers through slapstick comedy.
You brought me the fellowship & laughter that strengthen, heal & comfort.
this body is an infant. i am caregiver, bringing mothering
to a damaged being, surviving the surreal medical onslaught
that swiftly changes the form & the life totally & finally.
i stumble through the nether-realms, the murky land of loss & payment
& emerge into an alien world where i have no place.
i pay the price of loss by deep soul-searching & reflection, Shiva,
drawing closer to You, yet still unseeing until i have amply
ripened, or deliquesced as butterflies do in their spun chrysalis.
You accompany & shepherd with guidance & care, leading me through
healing in many realms. when i lose my way & falter, You guide me,
urge me through the darkness to the renewal of my dedication
to the divine & sacred within the ambrosia of Your presence.
this woman's heart is given over to You, Shiva, & You shape it
into an ageless holy pattern, newly disclosed in this lifetime,
offering refuge in Your all-pervading, enfolding pure essence.
here i rest in the embrace of Your goodness, truth & beauty.
i have done this before: continually urged myself to progress, accepting that there would be ups & downs, blessings lost & blessings found. i am not new to this journey, neither do i rejoice nor complain. there is really no choice, for basically i follow my own nature: that which i genuinely want to do, which circumstances call forth.
the mind is programmed by life to respond in certain ways, according to the situation set-up of this dreamlike domain of jagat. there is great joy in expressing within the flow of ones own nature, feeling the fullness of energy building & its smooth streaming forth to evolve, flower & fruit, & gladly to share the final harvest.
once i stood before a tapestry hundreds of miles in length & width. i contemplated a single square inch of it & found fault & flaw, no meaningful pattern or redeeming quality could i find there. You, Shiva, came to me & took my hand, pulling me along with You. You showed me such vast sweet glory that the budding inner self quickened & blossomed in the light of it all, in the wonder & radiance.
I saw that the whole vast pattern seamlessly included even that single small inch too &, at that moment of direct knowing, i ceased judging what i perceived & began to rejoice in the layered complexity of divine love & in You, Shiva, my authentic, inclusive, good, pure, vital, vibrant, enduring connection to wholeness.
so it is that i simply take what comes into my life & love it into a meaningful pattern, to the best of my ability. i earnestly move forward toward You who have called me & to whom i have given all that i am now & all that i may yet become. this writing chronicles it, for there is no other journey for me.
i am here in a human body, vowing this human heart to You,
who have given me a task for these last years in this human body.
i am to look back with discernment over the years of this life &
to notice the times in the past when You have touched me & guided me,
shaped & refined me. these are the crucial turning points & stepping stones.
they are pivotal to a constructive, creative life-direction,
spun out of me naturally, like the filmy-fine strands of the web
from a spider in a symmetry of pattern & delicate beauty
which signifies You, my beloved companion on this strange journey.
You are the one specific strand that links & ties the parts together
for usefulness & positive value to manifest in the world.
here is the holistic view of this human life & time in jagat.
here is where i gratefully bow to the body-personality.
here is how ego becomes just another face in the chorus line.
here is where we blend at the heart into a spark of eternal flame.
here i am in a human body, vowing this human heart to You.