as i age i become more fully aware of the softly binding skein
of attachments that surrounds the body-personality & weaves it
into the world of having & doing. the requirements, activities,
appointments! the expectations, desires, hopes, education & training!
lifelong this weaving persists, layer upon layer of entanglements,
of outer achievements & awards. i am held & cocooned within the
complex itineraries of others, drawing me further & deeper
into the world, securing me into the expanding global order.
thread by thread & stitch by stitch, i am now cutting through & pulling apart
the widespread web of hypnotic ties that urgently seeks to reattach.
the sociocultural necessities snort & snuffle restlessly,
while i steadfastly turn my back & struggle free; turn my back on them all.
ah, but love has caught me up, has charmed & secured me with a holy hand
that i cannot deny or flee! love has fixed me in place here & will not
let me go. it is more than i am: it is vast, & it is replacing
all other attachments with itself. Your universal medicine has
found me, Shiva, as i now merge with the many into the sacred One.
Your divine love dissolves the ties of the world & it dissolves me also,
Shiva, into the great spiritual heart where life always throbs as One,
knowing no other, & all pending accounts are paid in full forever.
i am like a summer storm in a dry land, bringing thunder &
towering clouds & wind but no rain. there's a lot of hopeful noise
in the sky but nothing much happens. where is my rain, Shiva? where
is the blessing that surely must come? when does this end, this time of
declaration in words, this offering to You, this small lonely
prasad that few come to share? still will i offer it, for You have
given me this sacred task to ripen me. this is the timely
opportunity to detach from the opinions of others,
to release the solemn people-pleasing child in me to go find
healing in the comfort of nature's pure serene hidden places.
let her walk with her sad, lonely craving, the emptiness inside
calling out to be filled. let her live patiently without answers,
bereft of understanding & shorn of meaning. let her suffer.
& let it be enough. let it be finished, paid in full, unleashed
& released. done. shelter me, Shiva, cover me over with Your
holy love as i become free from this spent larval form i now
inhabit while it morphs into the mature adult version: the
one where i have wings & am not crawling on my belly for food.
may the nectar of flowers empower me home to You, Shiva!