need – THIS HAPPENED

need is honed by the whetted knives of appetite & truly, Shiva,
i hunger for You. gone are home & husband: only You remain to
feel my need & only You, my panacea, can satisfy it.

after the hard fall from grace comes humility. after the blessing
of divine presence comes also humility, for what on earth can
long endure? i am like an autumn butterfly floating in the wind
as if a bright & tattered fallen leaf spiraling in circles not
of my own choosing. i am being carried home, Shiva, on this long
journey of return to You, yet another weary old butterfly
coasting on worn ragged wings & deeply rooted instinct
as the days grow shorter & cooler & the nights fall even colder.

the crisp clear nights are overseen by orion & the pleiades,
who make their promises & work their spell upon my stuttering heart.
i am promised to You, Shiva, carried & cloistered by messengers
who are following Your firm command. my life is not my own. even
my need & appetite do not originate with me but come as
endowments, strange puzzles concealing Your calling card & messages
written in subtle sensory glyphs which You have taught me how to read.
they say, "wear it out, burn it up, let it go & seek Me everywhere
as we play hide & seek in this burning ground of purification
called daily life on planet earth. I will carry you home at the end."

"are we home yet, Shiva?" i ask Him like a child, again & again,
& we giggle & play tag in body after body one more time.

i need to live with You day & night, my Shiva. i need to wake up & feel You here next to me. i need to say Your name before anything else. i need to walk with You down the long wide hallway & talk with You about things important to me, like kindness, courage, endurance, respect & love. i need to tell You what i learn from the Gita & which part touches me the deepest & the least. i need to show You my favorite old graveyard & how peaceful & beautiful the silence is. i need to walk with You outside in darkest night & contemplate the stars & sing to them with You. I need You to be so profoundly within me that i cannot find who i used to be before You revealed Your identity, my childhood friend. i need You like air, water, sun, food & body. i need to be Your partner, child, servant, vessel. i need to feel You living deep down within me as You look upon the world through my open eyes. i need You like the body needs a beating heart, so come, Shiva, come to me & be the rhythm that sends the life pumping through this ready body, wear me like a second skin, fill me with Your fire!