hold me – THIS HAPPENED

Shiva, i forgot that Your timely cameo appearances are often
coupled with deep inner need & suffering. such profound intensity sends
powerful impulses throbbing, cascading through the ethers, which serves as Your
invitation. it calls You to me. thus, You explain the usefulness &
value of suffering to the awakening soul seeking non-attachment.

You tell me that the more powerfully impacted the ego is by things,
the less able it is to maintain its iron-strong grip on its favorite
worldviews. over time & repeated impacts, the ego becomes more & more
unsettled, & therefore more likely to diminish. it becomes weary of
hanging on, & can consider other possibilities & perspectives.

what is the ego? the ego is the mind's devoted interface tool, the
product of primal biological survival instincts. it is convinced
of the absolute necessity that the body continue to exist.
the ego is a survival strategy, determined that it must be right.

when the body is worn down by sufficient suffering, especially the
low-level continuing suffering, attachment to the known & certain
weakens & decreases. new space opens up in the mind, & humble inner
purification takes place deep within the unexplored mind & in the heart.
the thoroughness of this purification is necessary to bring the
hidden darkness to light & to move through it with dignity & bravery.

hold me through this one, Shiva! hold me tightly! together we can comfort the
bewildered personality who kneels in exhaustion upon her knees in
weary & sincere prayer & mantra. this is in Your hands now, Shiva. i
am as powerless here as a small child, except to cling to You with all the
many hands of my heart, as what once seemed to be two is now known to be One.

the daily happenings around me are the distractions that delay going deep within to commune with You, Shiva. life in this earthly world is focussed upon outer events. You call me away from that to journey within my inner world to the wellspring of awareness. thus i must turn my back on the social demands of the outer world. i must find that internal source from which awareness arises & flows & i must remain with that, returning always to the central knowing that "i am", even in the midst of harsh discord & downfall. Shiva, i am asking for Your help, asking You to have no mercy toward my dullness & density, my declining ability & errors of thought. hold me close & repair the damage. hold me close & bless the shy & tender, the pure & innocent deep, deep within. hold me close to You & please help me to know that You see through these eyes; You hear through these ears & You live in this world as You function through me. hold me through the soul's dark night & hold me through my own & all others' ignorant stumbling towards the promise of light. i can no longer endure the dead weight of the darkness in this world's long struggle lightwards. yet of course i must. the work is before me, as You have given, & i continue on here in this eternal now. even as i rest against You, even as You hold me & i press against You so hard & deep that only You remain, this existence does continue on. i live in You & You live through me, as me. I press my lips to Yours & You speak through me, carrying me forward beyond the distractions of the world into Your body of bliss. I thank You for Your mercy.