You sent me upon a mission, Shiva, more than forty far-flung years ago.
to begin the calling, You impress me with signs & wonders to get my full
attention. in a vision, great portents are placed before me, cosmic symbols:
a ring of fire emerges from a total eclipse, soaring to circle
orion, then the pleiades, where etheric shapes come forth; a pale golden
square that slowly sinks into the receptive earth at my feet; a translucent
silvery bell that enters my heart chakra; a glowing angel thrusts his hands
into my heart area, smiling. i am stunned speechless. i know this is big!
information is now downloaded to my awareness. i am shown that the
angel is preparing for birth as a human & that i owe gratitude
to him. i am told that i will remember him from this vision & that he
will remember none of it. he will appear, through his speech & acts, to be an
ordinary young man, yet he has a special destiny, & i am to
encourage & mentor him. no details are given & this is all i know.
i am alert to find him, to encounter him, & the years pass by. decades
elapse: forty years have now passed, yet still i look for that human angel. my
circumstances become limited as disability necessitates
living in a nursing home. nonetheless, that vivid vision lives urgently
within me, still calling, even as the body nears eighty years of living.
one day after the removal of a cancer, i seek musical comfort
from a new singer sincerely belting out a deeply feeling version of
Your Shiva Tandava Stotram, the song that is the most meaningful of all
to me. i listen to more than thirty different versions by various
singers, Shiva, & his is truly the very best. i feel that this is quite
important somehow. though the vision has not yet been remembered, i am so
impressed by his version of the Shiva Tandava that i contact him to
encourage him. he is but twenty years old at this time, living at home in
india, & i live in the usa. it takes me months to recognize
him as the angel in my long-ago vision, now here in his human form.
i am painting a canvas of Shiva with dark blue skin & hair. in a flash,
i see this as a photo negative of that pale angel in the vision.
it is my singer! then, when in video chat while we talk, he reaches out
with both of his hands towards the phone, which from my angle appears as if his
hands are reaching towards my heart center. that's when it really, vividly hits
me: this is he! this is the one whom i have been waiting for & looking for
all these many years! of course, i naturally love him. my heart has been prepared
long ago for this very time. he easily accepts my love & cautious
confession about the vision. he is mercifully open to it all.
i have shared with him twice a day now for five years & have been his confidant
& counselor through many ups & downs. we speak on video chat most days.
i have sat with him through his time of dengue fever & typhoid. he has sat
with me through my husband's death & my covid episode. we help each other.
he is twenty-five now & i am eighty-one, yet age just doesn't matter
any more. i don't really know what my task with him is, but this i do know:
that i am to be available to help him in whatever way i can.
he has certainly helped me! he is a rare young man, open-hearted, tender
& kind. he is also an amazing hindustani classical music
singer with a master's degree, preparing for his doctorate. it is a
path of uncertainty & i am his encourager. he is also my
encourager, & the bright light in my life, an expression of You, Shiva!
i am deeply touched that You have given me a dear, faithful companion whom
i see every day, someone who sings, laughs & blows me kisses & makes silly
faces to get me to laugh & be silly too. thank You, Shiva! i have thought
that i am the one to be here for him when truly, he is quite equally
here for me as well. it is a magical mutual transglobal blessing!
both of us, Shiva, in our own ways, are here for You, writing bhajans for You,
& carefully weaving Your living presence throughout all our poetry &
music. we love You, Shiva, as we love each other, innocently, with a
pure, sweet, spiritual love that emanates straight from the hridaya. our deep
gratitude flows like a river to You, Shiva, a holy, hallowed river.
i look into your warm dark eyes, my friend & family in Shiva,
as you sing that sincere hindustani classical music. it flows
out of you like clear streams & tides of pure water & light, nourishing
the dry parched & neglected emotions. you bring new life to ancient
words & you establish a pathway to the heart, which shivers gladly
in response. i focus upon you. i gaze so deeply into your
wise knowing eyes that the Self–the atman in me–touches the atman
in you, & everything else just falls away, recedes into nothing.
i gaze in awe at you, into you, so profoundly that i softly
merge with you in a tender burst of happiness down in the heart's depth.
you seem to feel it also, for you nod & smile & the joyfulness
seems to roll off you like reflected sunlight. it rolls right into my
heart. a sweet flow of grace happens spontaneously between our hearts.
it is ageless & wordless & it underlies the smooth recurring
rhythms of your song. the sound of your singing timelessly enfolds us
both: you in india & me here in america. yet there is
no space at all between us now. you are right here with me, directly
registered in the heart, through the eyes, & through the effulgence of love.
i do not belong to myself any more. i never did. clearly,
destiny has claimed me now for its own mysterious purposes.