when You were the sky, Shiva, & i was a cloud in Your vastness, You played with me through dancing fingers of wind, shaping me into magnificent forms far beyond my own insubstantial command. when You were the sky & i was Your cloud, i was held close in the purity & power of Your divine reach & thus was in the fated place to rest upon the wild blessing of Your broad blue chest. i was at the center of the target, Shiva. Your aim was true. now the body is human, yet You have come to play anyway: Your love is spacious, embracing all who sincerely long for You. just as You opened Yourself in the sky, so it is that now on earth You appear before me & draw me deep down into Your heart. You have made me Yours, marked me with Your touch & sign, declared Yourself in full to me. I say yes again, world without end, & we dance. what control has a drifting cloud in the windswept heights of the sky? enfold me in the swift current of Your divine intent, Shiva, & dance me across the wide sky into the blaze of a new dawn.
Shiva, i am learning to know all substance as Your body & all beings with varying forms & functions as Your expressions. the density of matter cloaks complete knowledge of You, although You truly are the all-pervading essence of that which remains to awareness after the transitory departs yet again. this grand drama of life gives birth to the earthly realm, with humans & many other beings populating it in a dance of flowing creativity in a subtle evolving pattern. Shiva, i know that this body, the source of personality, is shaped by genes, conditioning & impacting outer events. therefore it is not who i really am, as You often point out. i learn slowly, glad that You patiently persist in Your teaching that who i really am is the one constant steady awareness that remains vivid when all else is gone: this knowing that "i am", the same indwelling wisdom common to all created beings. Shiva, You are above, below, surrounding & within: source, quest & destination. You are the universal medicine. like a great tide You are upon me, sweeping me up in the flood of Your expression, calling me to the heart, core & center of all the various comings & goings of daily human life. wherever i focus i see You at the living heart of it. i know how it finally ends. i know that the light of kindness will once more prevail & that darkness will again lessen & that this dance will continue as it always does. this endless cosmic glory is like a flower opening from bud, blooming, wilting, fading, falling, releasing the seeds of new flowers to repeat another sacramental cycle of Your rhythmic dance, Shiva. i am looking within to the heart's chamber where You dwell & i simply want to be with You in the refuge of Your calm presence. OM NAMAH SHIVAYA
i was in death's hands, Shiva. body parts were sacrificed to survive & cords of dark energy bound the soft flesh tightly in helplessness. in the midst of this turmoil, You came by way of hallucinations of warmhearted free-spirited visitors who blessed with their kindness. You gave rollicking tuba solos & a zany doctor teaching care of the newborn infant to new fathers through slapstick comedy. You brought me the fellowship & laughter that strengthen, heal & comfort. this body is an infant. i am caregiver, bringing mothering to a damaged being, surviving the surreal medical onslaught that swiftly changes the form & the life totally & finally. i stumble through the nether-realms, the murky land of loss & payment & emerge into an alien world where i have no place. i pay the price of loss by deep soul-searching & reflection, Shiva, drawing closer to You, yet still unseeing until i have amply ripened, or deliquesced as butterflies do in their spun chrysalis. You accompany & shepherd with guidance & care, leading me through healing in many realms. when i lose my way & falter, You guide me, urge me through the darkness to the renewal of my dedication to the divine & sacred within the ambrosia of Your presence. this woman's heart is given over to You, Shiva, & You shape it into an ageless holy pattern, newly disclosed in this lifetime, offering refuge in Your all-pervading, enfolding pure essence. here i rest in the embrace of Your goodness, truth & beauty.
there are no words to describe You adequately & hence many words appear, like birds singing in the rising dawn. they can't help themselves. it's their dharma to sing at first light. i can't stop myself from discerning You in varied ways. i sense You like water gently raining down upon me, drenching me with Your ten thousand glorious names & forms. everything points to You, turns to You, just as sunflowers yearn earnestly for the sun & track its course in the sky. i seek You in events & persist until i find You. with equal determination I turn my gaze inward & seek You within the hidden "i" of this persona. ah Shiva! i play hide & seek with You as though i were a mischievous deva lost in an earthly frolic. i stand behind these many words i write for You, meaning well, just like the dawn bird who sings so joyously, or the tall sunflower lifting its face up to worship the sun. it is the dharma of my sunflower heart to love You.
lifetimes ago in a much younger version of this body, feeling abandoned & alone, i trudge in despair to work, crushed by circumstances. bound to a daily routine of duties working in a natural foods store, i am sweeping the floor. dull & stiff as a wooden doll, i pushed the broom slowly through the wholesome organic rubble of the spilled grain, flour & beans. suddenly a twinkling glimmer of gold pierces through my mood & i see a perfect gleaming gold star in the dusty dregs. time pauses as i stand thoughtfully, aware of Your presence, knowing that You offer me this radiant encouragement, knowing that You remain with me even when i turn away to stumble stubbornly on my solitary lonely own. You give me a gold star, Shiva, even in the density of personal teeth-clenched hopeless human abandonment. it is but a small gold star, yet magnified by the power of Your divine presence touching me & entering my heart. i yet carry that bright gold star in the deepest pocket of memory & my heart is blessed by the sweet fragrance of You. when i have nothing at all to cling to, Shiva, that is when You catch me in Your arms as i fall & hold me to Your heart. "cling to me," You whisper in my ear, "cling to Me alone now & i will carry you safely through to the end of all time."
i see them draw together, i observe them pull apart: the sun & moon in a space embrace, joining holy hearts. flaming embers fall to earth, descend from the cloudless sky, hinting at the mystery that the soul will not deny. Shiva's dance goes on & on as galactic seasons change. His music calls. i respond as i always do, again. i see us draw together, i observe us pull apart in this sacred dance of life wherein i give You my heart.
the curve of the bird's wings as it circles high overhead is spelling out Your name, the one i enfold in my heart. i circle with the bird around You, Shiva, around You. You abide in me, deep inside in my secret heart-cave at the center of the circle, the hidden cave within. the circling embraces this central space, the holy place wherein we meet & join & then begin again anew. this disclosure spills out from the spiraling bird's wingtips to fall into my heart & to grow into this sharing: You abide in me, deep inside in my secret heart-cave. we are not two for we are but one, with circling echoes.
the field is open & bare, harvested to stubble, soaking up the streaming light of the sun, rejoicing. the sun, in sacred union with the whole rolling earth, blazes love & joy into the entire galaxy. the galaxy, in vast dance with other galaxies, spins in etheric quantum entanglement & love. love like dark matter. love like nebulae, like quasars. love like gravity, like magnetism, like lightning. love moving like the tides or like blood & lymph flowing. love like egg & sperm uniting. love like human birth. it's the same everywhere: this dance of energy, the holy harmonium sounding a sacred chord that echoes through the heart & bloodstream like music, pure! Shiva, the stars are shining in the sky of my eyes in the heavenly quantum entanglement called love where i am filled with the sound of Your sweet primal OM.
there were many times in my life when You came to me & i did not recognize You, yet You reached deep down into me & seized my attention, drawing me forth through its sharp needle to pierce the moment & mark it for remembrance forever in my heart's memory. i trace the thread to its origin: it's You, always You in varied form & stance all throughout this long life. the more i search, the more robustly do you emerge within my heart, dancing to the beat of its drumming. please hold me in Your arms that i may honor Your call for consummation without condition. I yield now. i offer all freely, tenderly, ceaselessly.
when i threw myself headlong & heartshort into the rowdy suffering of the world, You gave that to me, You allowed me the vividly intense experience i sought. thank You, Shiva. i learned to endure & to value the kindnesses that kindled my heart. when i wrapped myself deeply in my personal sorrows, You gave that to me as well. Your permissions were generous. my greed was strong & omnivorous & relentless. thank You, Shiva, for allowing me the deepening darkness that urged me to seek the light. when i called out to You in love & longing, You came to me & held me to Your heart. You remained with me as i meandered the obscure paths & the hard brightly paved ways. You turned my life around when You transported me in my car to a different road than the one i had set out upon. You wonder-bombed me, awed me silent, stunned & still. You got my attention, enraptured me, woke me up & laid a new path before me. on this new path we walk together & You teach me, remind me of what i forgot. You comfort me in the midst of discomfort. You instruct me as guide & companion. Shiva, for the time of intimacy to come i had to be stripped of my armor, my shiny conclusions & competence, & brought to the knees of my humility. it is here that i surrender my love to You & open to Your love beyond words. so it is that You place me here in Your service within the crucible of Your love. thank You, Shiva. without You all is hollow, yet dense enough to leave bruises behind. with You Life is rich & promising like an april sunrise on a sentinel hill in the pure realm of the devoted heart. i am Yours, Shiva. You are Lord of my heart.
in this life everything serves wholeness & healing. even when things fall apart & end badly, in shreds, all nevertheless serves to bless our unfolding growth as divine beings discovering our potential to transcend events & actions in this hungry world. i keep on returning to You, Shiva, for in You there is comfort & strength to persist & persevere with the many worldly duties that call for presence, attention & compassion. i am glad to be able to serve, even in the smallest most humble of ways, for every single act is a gateway to You. bless the innocent heart as Your holy dwelling place!
You live in my heart, Shiva, melting my resistance to transformation & its needful dissolution. this is a small pralaya, a time of rest & calm after the long intense birthing & care of the born. down from the mountain & into the plowed field is the natural path for water to flow, & for me too, past the resistance & ignorance, proceeding onward to the deepest place of the innermost sweet stillness. slowly bindings are easing, tangles are resolving & quietude is soothing the rough edges & rips. the surface is placid, the currents at rest for now. this is a small pralaya, a time of rest & calm. You live in my heart, Shiva, melting my resistance.
i am here in a human body, vowing this human heart to You, who have given me a task for these last years in this human body. i am to look back with discernment over the years of this life & to notice the times in the past when You have touched me & guided me, shaped & refined me. these are the crucial turning points & stepping stones. they are pivotal to a constructive, creative life-direction, spun out of me naturally, like the filmy-fine strands of the web from a spider in a symmetry of pattern & delicate beauty which signifies You, my beloved companion on this strange journey. You are the one specific strand that links & ties the parts together for usefulness & positive value to manifest in the world. here is the holistic view of this human life & time in jagat. here is where i gratefully bow to the body-personality. here is how ego becomes just another face in the chorus line. here is where we blend at the heart into a spark of eternal flame. here i am in a human body, vowing this human heart to You.