the curve of the bird's wings as it circles high overhead is spelling out Your name, the one i enfold in my heart. i circle with the bird around You, Shiva, around You. You abide in me, deep inside in my secret heart-cave at the center of the circle, the hidden cave within. the circling embraces this central space, the holy place wherein we meet & join & then begin again anew. this disclosure spills out from the spiraling bird's wingtips to fall into my heart & to grow into this sharing: You abide in me, deep inside in my secret heart-cave. we are not two for we are but one, with circling echoes.
the field is open & bare, harvested to stubble, soaking up the streaming light of the sun, rejoicing. the sun, in sacred union with the whole rolling earth, blazes love & joy into the entire galaxy. the galaxy, in vast dance with other galaxies, spins in etheric quantum entanglement & love. love like dark matter. love like nebulae, like quasars. love like gravity, like magnetism, like lightning. love moving like the tides or like blood & lymph flowing. love like egg & sperm uniting. love like human birth. it's the same everywhere: this dance of energy, the holy harmonium sounding a sacred chord that echoes through the heart & bloodstream like music, pure! Shiva, the stars are shining in the sky of my eyes in the heavenly quantum entanglement called love where i am filled with the sound of Your sweet primal OM.
there were many times in my life when You came to me & i did not recognize You, yet You reached deep down into me & seized my attention, drawing me forth through its sharp needle to pierce the moment & mark it for remembrance forever in my heart's memory. i trace the thread to its origin: it's You, always You in varied form & stance all throughout this long life. the more i search, the more robustly do you emerge within my heart, dancing to the beat of its drumming. please hold me in Your arms that i may honor Your call for consummation without condition. I yield now. i offer all freely, tenderly, ceaselessly.
when i threw myself headlong & heartshort into the rowdy suffering of the world, You gave that to me, You allowed me the vividly intense experience i sought. thank You, Shiva. i learned to endure & to value the kindnesses that kindled my heart. when i wrapped myself deeply in my personal sorrows, You gave that to me as well. Your permissions were generous. my greed was strong & omnivorous & relentless. thank You, Shiva, for allowing me the deepening darkness that urged me to seek the light. when i called out to You in love & longing, You came to me & held me to Your heart. You remained with me as i meandered the obscure paths & the hard brightly paved ways. You turned my life around when You transported me in my car to a different road than the one i had set out upon. You wonder-bombed me, awed me silent, stunned & still. You got my attention, enraptured me, woke me up & laid a new path before me. on this new path we walk together & You teach me, remind me of what i forgot. You comfort me in the midst of discomfort. You instruct me as guide & companion. Shiva, for the time of intimacy to come i had to be stripped of my armor, my shiny conclusions & competence, & brought to the knees of my humility. it is here that i surrender my love to You & open to Your love beyond words. so it is that You place me here in Your service within the crucible of Your love. thank You, Shiva. without You all is hollow, yet dense enough to leave bruises behind. with You Life is rich & promising like an april sunrise on a sentinel hill in the pure realm of the devoted heart. i am Yours, Shiva. You are Lord of my heart.
in this life everything serves wholeness & healing. even when things fall apart & end badly, in shreds, all nevertheless serves to bless our unfolding growth as divine beings discovering our potential to transcend events & actions in this hungry world. i keep on returning to You, Shiva, for in You there is comfort & strength to persist & persevere with the many worldly duties that call for presence, attention & compassion. i am glad to be able to serve, even in the smallest most humble of ways, for every single act is a gateway to You. bless the innocent heart as Your holy dwelling place!
You live in my heart, Shiva, melting my resistance to transformation & its needful dissolution. this is a small pralaya, a time of rest & calm after the long intense birthing & care of the born. down from the mountain & into the plowed field is the natural path for water to flow, & for me too, past the resistance & ignorance, proceeding onward to the deepest place of the innermost sweet stillness. slowly bindings are easing, tangles are resolving & quietude is soothing the rough edges & rips. the surface is placid, the currents at rest for now. this is a small pralaya, a time of rest & calm. You live in my heart, Shiva, melting my resistance.
i am here in a human body, vowing this human heart to You, who have given me a task for these last years in this human body. i am to look back with discernment over the years of this life & to notice the times in the past when You have touched me & guided me, shaped & refined me. these are the crucial turning points & stepping stones. they are pivotal to a constructive, creative life-direction, spun out of me naturally, like the filmy-fine strands of the web from a spider in a symmetry of pattern & delicate beauty which signifies You, my beloved companion on this strange journey. You are the one specific strand that links & ties the parts together for usefulness & positive value to manifest in the world. here is the holistic view of this human life & time in jagat. here is where i gratefully bow to the body-personality. here is how ego becomes just another face in the chorus line. here is where we blend at the heart into a spark of eternal flame. here i am in a human body, vowing this human heart to You.
for aeons uncounted You have abided. for aeons uncounted i have sought You through the denseness of the concealing flesh, through the dark of the awakening heart. this is the time of our fated meeting, the union of soul & spirit confirmed. the world shivers in anticipation of this grand cosmic union, long foretold. the soul has proclaimed this primal vision to the stuttering, stumbling slow mind who carefully counts the syllables of a poem on the fingers of both hands. now the poem has emerged from the pen, spilling out upon this clean white paper. in this very manner continents shift & cosmic patterns align in the sky. for uncounted aeons we glide in dance, turning again through the stars & the dust, trailing the veil which no longer conceals the bright light of the awakening heart.
You cannot enter me in Your full potency for blood & bone are too dense to hold the fullness & intensity of Your vast power & light. yet i do sincerely invite You nonetheless. whether i live or am altogether destroyed is an empty thought from an old collective dream. i awaken now. i hear Your resounding call & seek with all my heart to follow it to You. no matter what the outcome may be, i am Yours.
You blast through my protective wall of words & strip me clean of concepts, removing me from my comfort zone, Shiva! You are revealed to me now, human attachments laid bare, withering in the pure fire of Your seal upon my heart. every happening in this life is a teaching from You. this jiva, a rough piece of rock, is polished to become a shining jewel in the fullness of time & process. love without attachment or expectation is Your gift & i learn, i learn from pain & from delight, i do learn. You blast through my protective wall of words & strip me clean of concepts & guide me toward my holy home, Shiva, where no "i" or "You" remain, only the dancing wholeness.
today is a time of courage when i resolutely determine to remain alert, not to get lost in memory & mind chatter. over & over i return to my mantra, the lifeline which You have given me, to which i cling in the intense storms of circumstance. i dwell in a nursing home, an imperiled place in a pandemic, yet nonetheless You remain close when i can see beyond the surface to the divine timing that cares less for the unit than for the whole. remaining in an old worn body is not important. You alone are truly essential & i shall not lose my way back home to You! birth, death, body, spirit: the dance patterns of cosmic complexity, & i can no longer freestyle full out but seek now to rest in You. You are the center of the turning wheel & i will not lose focus upon You. although passing events may obscure, the heart will hold fast. the heart will hold fast when hands no longer find a solid place to grip. thus today is a time of courage when i devote myself to You. i am here for You. i do not fear the homeward journey of return for this script has long been written as the time to merge myself in You. the sun only sets for the earthbound & i am a child of the stars.
some days i am like a cloud floating in the wide blue sky, sun streaming into me like fingers of divine blessing, wind carrying me effortlessly in a smooth swift flow. other days i slog my way through the thick mud of the day, struggling to take just one more step forward yet again in the endless trudging of step after step after step. some days i lay flat on my back in mud, surrendering to inertia like an old balloon slowly deflating. other days i say Your name before i fully awake, feeling You deep within the hidden chamber of my heart &, finding You there, lift my hands in glad salutation. today i see all these changing shapes of the shifting days, witness the flickering parade of possibilities. they are so real to the human self pushing through maya! my heart opens in compassionate wonder & soft love. i seek refuge in You, Shiva. i am Yours forever.
"talk to me," Shiva says, "nothing is too trifling, for I am the essence of everything here. you can talk to me." i hear Him in my heart & i wonder how He can care about such trivia. "try Me," He says, "the open heart knows no trivia." feeling shy, i tell Him what i am doing now, how words reveal themselves for poems, like flowers unfurling petals to the nurture of sunlight, singing in the language of fragrant bright color, a hymn of gratitude, chorus after chorus. "see what I mean?" Shiva says. "nothing is too small to hold the whole of creation at its center. talk to me," He says, "for this too is sadhana." this is why my lips move silently within crowds & why my voice is heard in soft conversation when people are gone, for Shiva is here with me, teaching the art of divine inebriation without concern for the opinions of others. He is right, for all my talking to Him keeps the door of my heart open wide & He enters & we talk together about pebbles & planets. when i can talk no more, He hold me in His heart.