i was in death's hands, Shiva. body parts were sacrificed to survive & cords of dark energy bound the soft flesh tightly in helplessness. in the midst of this turmoil, You came by way of hallucinations of warmhearted free-spirited visitors who blessed with their kindness. You gave rollicking tuba solos & a zany doctor teaching care of the newborn infant to new fathers through slapstick comedy. You brought me the fellowship & laughter that strengthen, heal & comfort. this body is an infant. i am caregiver, bringing mothering to a damaged being, surviving the surreal medical onslaught that swiftly changes the form & the life totally & finally. i stumble through the nether-realms, the murky land of loss & payment & emerge into an alien world where i have no place. i pay the price of loss by deep soul-searching & reflection, Shiva, drawing closer to You, yet still unseeing until i have amply ripened, or deliquesced as butterflies do in their spun chrysalis. You accompany & shepherd with guidance & care, leading me through healing in many realms. when i lose my way & falter, You guide me, urge me through the darkness to the renewal of my dedication to the divine & sacred within the ambrosia of Your presence. this woman's heart is given over to You, Shiva, & You shape it into an ageless holy pattern, newly disclosed in this lifetime, offering refuge in Your all-pervading, enfolding pure essence. here i rest in the embrace of Your goodness, truth & beauty.
Shiva, my refuge & my beloved! i am for You & You alone! You have shown me that every well-intentioned, upbeat & constructive thought & feeling is nourishment for the divine forces of light, for angels & devas & gods, for the well-being of countless blessed beings & worlds. You have shown me how they flourish & deepen in goodness & in service. You have also revealed to me that every negative & hate-filled thought is food & fuel for the forces of darkness, for demons & devils & the sly covert undermining of innocent, good & pure beings. therefore i no longer indulge in angry, bitter, resentful feelings nor linger in dim dull grey gloom or wearisome comparative thinking, for i myself may then become an infectious contagion to others. thus it is, Shiva, that i will focus on You & the many blessings which continually urge me toward my greatest unfolding goodness. i seek to prepare a banquet of joy for angels & devas & gods that the beauty of kindness & the gentle caring heart may be present. i rejoice in the generous abundance of nature, the sky, the sun, oceans, rivers, mountains, valleys & their varied populations. may heartfelt gratitude & sincere appreciation pour forth freely, like honey from the honeycomb & cool refreshing rain from the heavens! Shiva, my refuge & my beloved! i am for You & You alone! we nourish the manvantara by pouring out our love relentlessly.