i missed our tryst this morning.
my mala lays cold, untouched.
the heart stutters in sorrow,
the mind shrinks back in dismay.
i call to You in longing,
confess my unconsciousness.
Shiva! the world dragged me off
to myriad diversions
& i forgot! i forgot
that i am betrothed, in love,
that i am pledged to You now.
i missed our tryst this morning.
i turned my back on our love,
lost in this transient world,
forgetting my vow, unstrung
like a broken old guitar
that yearns for music again.
i missed our tryst this morning
yet now i am here, renewed,
mala held close to my heart,
Your sweet love cleansing my soul,
patiently calling me home.
in the hot desert aridity,
in the whipping cold wind of the plains,
in the darkness & in the sunlight,
You are present, Shiva, You are here.
i sometimes forget, oh, i forget!
You do not forget me, not ever!
i reach back in my mind through the years
to the young girl who sought her true self.
i call out encouragement to her.
i tell her that the story ends well,
that it is good to be curious,
to question, to search & inquire,
that she really is completely loved.
You, Lord Shiva, do the same for me.
You keep sending messages of love.
my scrapbooks are filled with evidence
of Your presence, power and grace.
soon i will put down my storybook
& look You in the face & thank You.
i thought that i was done,
that my dharma was fulfilled,
that i could withdraw from
climbing yet another hill.
You sent me an angel --
You got my full attention.
i will not turn away
from divine intervention!
partners with my angel,
we repeat Your holy name.
we celebrate You daily,
adding fuel to Your flame.
i look upon the patchwork of my life
to find that You are the stitching
that holds the many pieces together.
You have revealed the symmetry
that this woman's life has formed over time.
the random struggles & failings
were sincere efforts at understanding
what i could offer to this world.
the pattern comes clear over all this time.
with distance, the patchwork pattern
resolves into a beautiful design --
it shows Your face, my Lord Shiva,
as You enfold me close, next to Your heart,
& everything makes sense at last!
i stand with You as together
we review the years of my life.
You show me the times -- so many! --
that You reached Your hand out to me.
i did not see! i did not know!
i was hypnotized, lost & blind
as i wandered in search of You,
finally feeling abandoned,
concluding that i was alone.
i was not alone. You were there.
i rejoice that i know it now.
You fill up my heart from within --
You are the heat & the movement
of the urgent body & mind.
You embrace me now from within,
fill the space between all the cells.
i am contained & surrounded,
my heart is surrendered to You.
You are by my side constantly,
whispering Your encouragement.
You have placed me in the fire before --
this is not the first time, Beloved.
Many join me -- we are a bonfire!
we are all so brightly burning now
that the fire can be seen from space.
this is a good time to get lighter,
to be burned clean of impurity,
to discover how shiny we are
beneath the blackening of surface
slowly taking place in our world now.
arrogance is consumed in this blaze
as it rages in global cleansing.
Your fire burns pure, my Beloved --
i give myself to You willingly --
my life has always been Yours to use.
may this burning-ground be a blessing
in the big picture we can't see yet.
Lord Shiva, dance Your tandava now!
dance us into global renewal!
i live in a small room
where my walls call Your name.
Your footprints cross my floor,
hidden from others' eyes.
Your imprint on my bed
& likewise on my chair,
only my eyes can see.
i paint & draw Your face
& write poems to You.
i call Your holy name
& sing Your sacred songs.
I look within, deep down,
& all i see is You.
You are in my darkness
& You are in the light.
You are breathing through me,
You are beating my heart.
Your presence is coursing
through my veins as i write,
spilling out in these words
through the pen on paper.
Lord Shiva, i am Yours,
marked by You before birth,
living for You on earth.
You seemed to me like royalty,
i hunkered in the dirt.
You told me of Your love for me,
i was lost in my hurt.
i hid my face, You drew me close,
You held me to Your heart.
Your glory seemed too much for me,
i kept myself apart.
You came to me repeatedly,
my heart was tightly furled.
i turned my back & gathered up
the treasures of this world.
then came the day i lost it all
but You still yet remained.
You cut the chains that bound my heart,
You healed me of my pain.
You made a doorway in my wall,
a temple in my heart.
i yield myself to You humbly,
i am Your work of art.
You are the distant thunder
in the far hills of my mind.
i see Your face in the clouds
& i leave my tasks behind.
i pray for Your healing rain,
i plead with my voice & eyes.
sprout my seeds that they may grow,
touch me with Your warm sunrise,
enter me with Your pure glow.
i knew i was not lost
though they told me i was.
i knew that i was blessed
though they said i was cursed.
i lived my days with them
courting the mystery
ceaselessly calling me,
utmost magnet of love
i am aware of You --
i feel You in my heart
& in my brain & bones.
You stroke me with soft wind,
You sway in the shadows
& You blaze in the sun.
You call me from hiding
& stand me before You,
naked in my yearning,
stripped of human learning.
i am Yours, returning,
open like a plowed field
ready to receive seed.
I knew I was not lost.
I knew that i was blessed.
I knew that it was You
who comes to me at last.
to encourage anyone, anywhere, in their exploration of the spiritual path that calls to them even if others don’t understand. you are not alone.
to inform other seekers that the regular writing of poetry about the relationship with your Deity of choice can enrich life tremendously. the same is true about painting and drawing images of the Deity of your choice. it can bring the relationship alive & facilitate deeper communion.
to demonstrate that sincerity & devotion in this approach to the spiritual is fundamental & more essential than talent or skill in writing or art.
to urge especially those who are in the latter years of life to deepen the focus on the nonphysical spiritual realm. poetry & art can help greatly with this.
to express & fulfill my dedication & devotion to Shiva, who has shown me all that i have painted & written about. He began with the nonverbal intuitive paintings, continued with the verbal expressive poetry & now moves to the global cyber realm. this is my service to Shiva, the Deity of choice who guides my life. (essentially this is my sadhana journal & all the images are from my camera unless otherwise noted. all the poetry is syllabic: same number of syllables in each line.) may you be inspired & energized in your own explorations & journey! namaste!