just when i think i'm so free & detached, wham! i notice myself
clinging to definite identity preferences with fiery
passion that i thought was long-faded & finally extinguished.
a lifetime's cultivation of detachment & dispassion is
nebulous & vague in the face of a new irresistible
attraction, which i never did see coming. i learn that i am
not free at all, but am tied to ego-values with roots as deep
as crabgrass. how can i adhere to detachment alongside
the strong desire that i should be respected? they both stand nobly
in the arena of the mind, regarding each other. desire
circles around detachment, & confusion is born. clarity
crumbles into rubble at my feet. where is trust? kindness now has
suspicious squinty eyes & nothing seems dependable at all
anymore, just as i began to think that i'm free & detached!
enjoy the laugh, Shiva! i can see the irony too, but You
alone have the solution. i am patient. i will wait for You.
this is all Yours anyway, & i am Yours too, for we return
to the fact that only in You is there full resolution &
refuge for me, who comes from Your own ancient timeless origin.
i am a modular being, layered like a cake. the body,
mind & feelings compose the ego-personality layers,
& the witness stands central as portal to You, Shiva, making
the cake of me multidimensional, bridging & blending realms,
giving You access through me to pour bright energy to the world.
as witness i'm like a comicstrip superhero, peeling off
the outer layers of my disguise. i step forth when the need calls
to be the willing witness who can see the gift of the patterns
organizing the richly varied drama of daily life.
i aim to be detached so that no harm can ever befall me.
yet maya still seduces by lavishing me with my fondest
wishes, now fulfilled, luring me back to her sticky web. desires
i never knew were there have merely lurked just beneath the surface,
awaiting their cue to surge forward, & i am stuck yet again.
i'm caught once more in a situation i never saw coming
& don't want to let go, all layered enticingly & well.
where is my one-pointed awareness? where is my heart flying free?
where is that cool-headed detachment when i'm stuck here in maya's
web? You've brought out my hidden attachments, Shiva, the acceptance
i had never dared hope for before, & i get to unravel
the ties & the knots that i wasn't aware were there. it feels like
do-it-yourself open-heart surgery, & i'm clumsy at best.
maya entices me to plunge into the world where i'm whirled through
the cycles, the ups & the downs, with many a story to tell.
Shiva, You use all of maya's ruses to hone my edges as
sharp as keen knives that i freely may cut through the many ties that
weigh me down, bind tight & hold me back. i need to see it all through
to the final credits at the end & then the lights will come on
again. You will be revealed by my side to the inner vision
as maya shifts the scene & the music rises to bridge to the
next episode. the detached witness rises once more within to
do it all again, yet on a higher turn of maya's spiral.
this is our dance, Shiva, round after round, recognizing & then
refining the moves of the drama, turning the darkness to light.
i am floating in the night sky, a cloud in the moonlight. i have no
fingers for grasping & securing, no feet for running & jumping.
i have no eyes to see appearances, no mouth to speak of myself.
the mind is awed by the cascading torrents of stars & disappears
into silence. it's consumed by stars & silence & the rolling flow
of currents of electromagnetic energy swirling up from
the earth & down from mysteries invisible, unknown & unseen.
the moon's gravitational field gently enfolds me as i float high
in the nighttime sky, a cloud in the soft moonlight; yet i am neither
deaf nor blind, merely immensely detached. perhaps my form may appear
as human at times, but i would rather be a cloud soaring above
earth, looking into the arcane depths of deep space where dark matter,
quasars & galaxies are clumped thickly like glitter on black velvet.
it's peaceful to cease being human for a little while & just to be
a cloud floating in the night sky in the moonlight. it's hard to hurt
a cloud. they do not bleed or complain & they mind their own business.
as cloud or human, i'm an innocent expression of Shiva, who
lives in every atom & holds all form together & sometimes lets
it fall apart. i rest in Shiva & float where He flows, like a leaf
carried by the river or a cloud in the depths of the nighttime sky.
it's good that being in a human body is not a full time job!
THIS HAPPENED 