in the nineteen-seventies someone gave me a silver star pendant
in exchange for a spiritual reading. they told me that was the
only way such a token of power could be obtained: by being
given to one. it could not be purchased in stores. it was inscribed with
various arcane alchemical symbols, & i treasured that star
& wore it for years, feeling quite blessed. many adventures unfolded
during that high time, & life transpired in its storied way of travel
tales & many lessons learned. then, years ago, it came to pass that the
time was upon me to give that inscribed silver star to my youngest
daughter, whose given name is summer star. i had promised it to her.
its time with me was done, & the opportunity to serve next moves
on to my distant daughter in oregon. i hope she wears that star
with a happy heart for the benefit of the whole world. such gifts come
with a responsibility that cannot be ignored. destiny
will certainly see to that! everything comes wrapped in its own birthing
story, & all stories are pointing beyond themselves alone to the
full deep meaning & message. they are like holy guides showing the way.
ah Shiva, so casually are magical treasures passed onward!
how vital it is to be fully aware in order to honor
such a visiting dignitary, who may well appear as merely
decorative, until one can see beyond the visible surface.
it will also come about that all such things will eventually
be put aside, as awareness moves farther past the "thingness" of life.
Shiva, You are here to welcome such deep-seers to join the ever-
growing group of people who bless & rejoice & pray & focus on
the good, the true & the beautiful. it is a lifestyle choice: choose the
way of love, for love itself has chosen us as its own, forever.
You sent me upon a mission, Shiva, more than forty far-flung years ago.
to begin the calling, You impress me with signs & wonders to get my full
attention. in a vision, great portents are placed before me, cosmic symbols:
a ring of fire emerges from a total eclipse, soaring to circle
orion, then the pleiades, where etheric shapes come forth; a pale golden
square that slowly sinks into the receptive earth at my feet; a translucent
silvery bell that enters my heart chakra; a glowing angel thrusts his hands
into my heart area, smiling. i am stunned speechless. i know this is big!
information is now downloaded to my awareness. i am shown that the
angel is preparing for birth as a human & that i owe gratitude
to him. i am told that i will remember him from this vision & that he
will remember none of it. he will appear, through his speech & acts, to be an
ordinary young man, yet he has a special destiny, & i am to
encourage & mentor him. no details are given & this is all i know.
i am alert to find him, to encounter him, & the years pass by. decades
elapse: forty years have now passed, yet still i look for that human angel. my
circumstances become limited as disability necessitates
living in a nursing home. nonetheless, that vivid vision lives urgently
within me, still calling, even as the body nears eighty years of living.
one day after the removal of a cancer, i seek musical comfort
from a new singer sincerely belting out a deeply feeling version of
Your Shiva Tandava Stotram, the song that is the most meaningful of all
to me. i listen to more than thirty different versions by various
singers, Shiva, & his is truly the very best. i feel that this is quite
important somehow. though the vision has not yet been remembered, i am so
impressed by his version of the Shiva Tandava that i contact him to
encourage him. he is but twenty years old at this time, living at home in
india, & i live in the usa. it takes me months to recognize
him as the angel in my long-ago vision, now here in his human form.
i am painting a canvas of Shiva with dark blue skin & hair. in a flash,
i see this as a photo negative of that pale angel in the vision.
it is my singer! then, when in video chat while we talk, he reaches out
with both of his hands towards the phone, which from my angle appears as if his
hands are reaching towards my heart center. that's when it really, vividly hits
me: this is he! this is the one whom i have been waiting for & looking for
all these many years! of course, i naturally love him. my heart has been prepared
long ago for this very time. he easily accepts my love & cautious
confession about the vision. he is mercifully open to it all.
i have shared with him twice a day now for five years & have been his confidant
& counselor through many ups & downs. we speak on video chat most days.
i have sat with him through his time of dengue fever & typhoid. he has sat
with me through my husband's death & my covid episode. we help each other.
he is twenty-five now & i am eighty-one, yet age just doesn't matter
any more. i don't really know what my task with him is, but this i do know:
that i am to be available to help him in whatever way i can.
he has certainly helped me! he is a rare young man, open-hearted, tender
& kind. he is also an amazing hindustani classical music
singer with a master's degree, preparing for his doctorate. it is a
path of uncertainty & i am his encourager. he is also my
encourager, & the bright light in my life, an expression of You, Shiva!
i am deeply touched that You have given me a dear, faithful companion whom
i see every day, someone who sings, laughs & blows me kisses & makes silly
faces to get me to laugh & be silly too. thank You, Shiva! i have thought
that i am the one to be here for him when truly, he is quite equally
here for me as well. it is a magical mutual transglobal blessing!
both of us, Shiva, in our own ways, are here for You, writing bhajans for You,
& carefully weaving Your living presence throughout all our poetry &
music. we love You, Shiva, as we love each other, innocently, with a
pure, sweet, spiritual love that emanates straight from the hridaya. our deep
gratitude flows like a river to You, Shiva, a holy, hallowed river.
i look into your warm dark eyes, my friend & family in Shiva,
as you sing that sincere hindustani classical music. it flows
out of you like clear streams & tides of pure water & light, nourishing
the dry parched & neglected emotions. you bring new life to ancient
words & you establish a pathway to the heart, which shivers gladly
in response. i focus upon you. i gaze so deeply into your
wise knowing eyes that the Self–the atman in me–touches the atman
in you, & everything else just falls away, recedes into nothing.
i gaze in awe at you, into you, so profoundly that i softly
merge with you in a tender burst of happiness down in the heart's depth.
you seem to feel it also, for you nod & smile & the joyfulness
seems to roll off you like reflected sunlight. it rolls right into my
heart. a sweet flow of grace happens spontaneously between our hearts.
it is ageless & wordless & it underlies the smooth recurring
rhythms of your song. the sound of your singing timelessly enfolds us
both: you in india & me here in america. yet there is
no space at all between us now. you are right here with me, directly
registered in the heart, through the eyes, & through the effulgence of love.
i do not belong to myself any more. i never did. clearly,
destiny has claimed me now for its own mysterious purposes.
i can't save you, for that is yours alone to do. i merely
stand by the sign warning you of danger & firmly attempt
to get your attention, pointing urgently to the sign. you
smile vaguely as you blindly amble onward, provoking the
hidden guardians just ahead, a surprised look on your face
when you plunge to the ground as the guardians fall upon you.
the remainder of the story is yet to be played out: the
wounds, the regret, the empty resolve to continue onward
into the building storm on the horizon. the wind blows hard.
many warning signs are posted all alone the way, which you
persist in ignoring in your heedless push forward. all my
cautioning words fall on dry ground & become sharp stones that you
carefully circumvent. you follow your own agenda, that
much is clear, & i too take my place among the ignored signs,
while you stumble toward your destiny as if you chose it.
i can't delay what you have to learn. i can only watch from
the far side of the path as you push headstrong into the trap
awaiting you, concealed within your very own reckless mind.
i can't save you from yourself, for that is yours alone to do.
my beloved in Shiva, your path is to be walked by you.
i stand here as your witness & as one who loves you in spite
of your folly as you face into the challenge of your life.
Shiva's dance is the powerful tandava, laying out lines of
commanding energy, vigorous & compelling. our human
dance seems to be the fibonacci-mandelbrot polka, three quick
steps & a hop. we throw ourselves into the perpetually
repeating self-similar patterns, intending to advance our
understanding. each dance move leads on to yet another, with but
a slight change, replication into evolution, flowing on.
new expressions emerge ceaselessly from the old. we step lively
to keep pace, all part of the innate cosmic pattern that subtly
links all expression as one self-similar repeating wingding of a
pattern. three quick steps & a hop & here we go again, dancing
out our destiny in the fibonacci-mandelbrot polka!
when i see the cool wind whirling leaves from the trees in the brisk autumn
noontime, i don't say, "oh, how tragic! what a sad destiny!" instead,
i delight in the bright colors of the crisp leaves & love to see them
dancing in the wind as they pirouette & play in the warm sunshine.
everything is coming & going, moving & changing, being born
& dying. it is the nature of things. beyond the domain of the
physical plane, other frequencies are calling me, for i do not
want to live as if this realm alone is it, as if there is no Source.
i see the sun reflected in a glass of water, but when the glass
tips over & the sun in the water is gone, i don't cry out, "how
tragic! what a sad destiny!" this would be like looking at one square
inch of a huge mural. i don't see the whole picture & i don't know
the whole story: it's being continually refreshed & renewed.
in this world of duality, every blessing holds its challenge &
every challenge also holds its blessing. thus i am simply grateful
for all my experience, regardless of its outer form. gifts are
delivered in various wrappings & i don't know what is inside.
i do know that somehow, somewhere, a gift from my divine Beloved
is contained within it, & i am grateful for the unknown blessing.
this is what You teach me, Shiva. You open up my vision to the
pure celestial shining within the terrestrial. You show me
the lotus rising from the mud & water, reaching upwards to the
sun. my heart is now doing just this as i chant Your mantra, Shiva.
i rise free from the thick cold dark into the radiant light of You.
a bird is free to live according to its own winged nature, for all
animals are free in that way, including humans. the land animals
& sea & sky creatures are all free to live out their innate qualities
in innocent fulfillment of their own true essence, & so are humans.
we have our own unfolding destiny, an arc of training to complete.
we humans are the ladle that stirs the steaming pot of soup simmering
on the cooking fire. the Hand that holds the ladle is a Vaster Hand
than ours, preparing sacred sustenance for numinous devic beings.
as the mere ladle, we don't know the recipe or the recipients.
in fact, we believe that all this is our own triumph & accomplishment,
a conclusion that the other earthly animals are innocent of.
they rest in their own radiant pristine natures, while we humans sweat &
struggle, leaving a trail of wasteland behind us, calling it progress or
collateral damage, as we fondle & guard our medals & money.
ah, the resounding echo of the laughter of the Gods surely thunders
yet in our dreamtime! we loudly praise freedom as we stand weighed down by our
chains, for we are blind to our own bondage, & we proudly call ourselves free!
a bird is free. a fish is free. a deer, a cat, a butterfly: they are
all free within the purity of their hallowed wholeness, impeccable,
while we strategize & plan & lay claim to our own desires with gusto.
& the Holy Hand holds the ladle that stirs the pot & we look neither
upwards nor inwards, believing that we are the makers & doers. the
enjoyers of the feast smile at our ignorance as we laud our freedom.
ah Shiva! You are quite the tease, a Holy Joker & Awakener!
You prepare humanity for a grand destiny that we can't yet grasp,
so You teach us to endure & reflect upon the meaning of our lives.
thus we are here for the long journey, trekking through arcane cosmic cycles
on our way back home to You, Shiva, reaching out to touch Your Holy Hand.
i came to You late, Shiva, at age seventy five. although You came
early to me when i was thirteen, i didn't know who You were, & i
drifted elsewhere. i didn't know how to cultivate the connection, &
maya simply blew me away. You came again when i was fourteen.
the out of body journey that You took me on became a living
seed planted deep within my memory to continue informing
me as an adult. You showed me the holiness of this existence.
You encouraged me with the vision of my true divine potential.
You wrapped me in love. but for years i was like a blind person in a
strange new room, feeling my way through unknown mysterious obstacles
on my way to an equally cryptic & obscure destination.
finally, when my old life is dead & gone & i huddle amidst
the wreckage & the shards of the remaining scraps, finally, You come.
You come in response to the collapse of my beleaguered walls, roof &
foundation. You come because at last i am wide open & asking
for You, calling out, even though i don't yet know Your name. my heart calls
out the loudest of all, for the heart knows far more than the head alone.
& behold! events transpire that bring me to You at last, & You send
a helper with Your everlasting mantra: Om Namah Shivaya.
gradually the blinders fall away as my sadhana deepens,
& i take refuge in You via Your mantra: in You, my chosen
Deity who also chose me, & did so before i knew Your name.
i immerse myself in You, I throw myself off the cliff of the world
into the limitless ocean of You. i paint pictures of You, write
heartfelt poems to You, sing freely to You & i chant Your mantras.
my room looks like a museum honoring You, & even more like
a temple in full swing of celebrating Your sweet sacred presence.
in fact, Shiva, You genuinely do reside here now with me &
in me. You are living through me & i am drawn by You to all that
can assist me to come even closer to You. actually, You
take me to the consummation of my long journey to You, Shiva.
now that i know Your name, we cannot be separated. we are one
life & i am Your expression in the human world, as are others.
it's a mystery & i only have training wheels for exploring
such arcane wonders. it's all Your body anyway, just as i too
am Your body. because i don't know what else to do, i throw myself
upon You to know myself as one with You, vividly & purely.
i won't let go. i won't stop & i won't be sidetracked. You, Shiva, are
my swadharma, my destiny & fulfillment. blessed is Your name,
given as medicine for all. blessed is Om Namah Shivaya.
some blessings are so amazing that i don't recognize them
as blessings for years, sometimes even decades. they are like the
mystic eggs of a strange bird, bound to hatch in their own time, placed
in the nest of me, knowing not what may come from them or when.
i have seen blessings change into challenges overnight &
challenges throw off their concealment to emerge as blessings.
therefore i will rejoice in the gifts of the moment, holding
them lightly that they may fly when they are called by destiny.
You teach me to regard blessing & challenge with equal eyes,
Shiva: as opportunity in disguise, to be esteemed.
i cannot court one without bowing to the other also.
we are all golden beneath the dust, deeply imprinted with
the urge to evolve into wholeness. there is no turning back,
no refusal to be what i yearn to be & am at heart.
i will protect these strange eggs, Shiva, & will accept what may
come from them with gentle respect for their divine origin.
THIS HAPPENED 