just when i think i'm so free & detached, wham! i notice myself clinging to definite identity preferences with fiery passion that i thought was long-faded & finally extinguished. a lifetime's cultivation of detachment & dispassion is nebulous & vague in the face of a new irresistible attraction, which i never did see coming. i learn that i am not free at all, but am tied to ego-values with roots as deep as crabgrass. how can i adhere to detachment alongside the strong desire that i should be respected? they both stand nobly in the arena of the mind, regarding each other. desire circles around detachment, & confusion is born. clarity crumbles into rubble at my feet. where is trust? kindness now has suspicious squinty eyes & nothing seems dependable at all anymore, just as i began to think that i'm free & detached! enjoy the laugh, Shiva! i can see the irony too, but You alone have the solution. i am patient. i will wait for You. this is all Yours anyway, & i am Yours too, for we return to the fact that only in You is there full resolution & refuge for me, who comes from Your own ancient timeless origin.
now i know which things keep me from You: warmth of hot showers, food i prefer, wanting other people to like me. i am very happy to get them & quite unhappy in their absence. by wanting some things & not others i chop my life into bits & pieces & i lose You in the confusion. i will make You the strong thread that all the bits & pieces are strung upon. I will give You the complete garland because i want You the most, Shiva! without You my whole life is empty.