hidden in the heart

an ethereal thread holds all things together.
i see it with my twilight eye, the moon-born sight
of poets observing the lacy connections
that can't be seen in the dominion of bright light.
here in the misty dimness, neither light nor dark,
colors fade to grey, stitched together with silver.
nothing is clearly defined, shifting shapes again
repeating primal patterns traced in solar dust.

we are on the threshold where light & dark can dance.
come to me now, Lord Shiva, & dance me within
this density of substance & form in motion.
take my hand, take my heart, dance me in words & art,
tell me who You really are, tell me who i am,
as we touch the subtle thread joining all the parts,
tracing out blessings that are hidden in the heart.
 

this holy dance

when You came to me at first, Shiva,
i was newly mature in body
& yet a child in my mind & heart.
You were beautiful & good & kind
& You revealed that You loved me &
that i was good & perfect at heart,
& You held me within Your own heart,
so very close that i became love.
i melted into endless vast love,
wanted it like oxygen & light --
to be enfolded & suspended
in goodness, beauty & gentleness!
transcendent, divine, all-pervading!

when You came to me at first, Shiva,
i was tender & raw in this world,
betrayed & broken down to sorrow.
therefore i returned from our union
in amazed disbelief that such love
could ever be mine. i turned away.

i turned away from Your light & love
in shame at my own disordered life,
undeserving of pure divine love.
i plunged down a precipitous path
in thoughtless, careless exploration.
i would descend to the depths; i chose
to discern the domain of darkness.
i shut You out in raging despair,
throwing myself away to the world,
a boulder rolling down a mountain.

i could not bear the weight of Your light.
thus darkness swallowed me entirely
& i wallowed in grey shame & pain
while the universe wheeled around me
in ecstatic song, calling my name.

calling my name again & again,
tapping me on the head, sending me
visions of You loving me, Shiva,
until i slowly lifted my face
to see You offer a love letter.
i accepted it, took it to heart,
soaked up Your love like dry ground in rain
& moved forward from the shadowland.
You set me free when i was able
to accept such glorious freedom.

i no longer turn away, Shiva.
You are my doorway, sun, moon & stars.
i open to You in devotion.
You're a patient lover, i am shy.
i am divinely touched & entered.
Here i am, as an open window,
as a portal to deep mystery,
forever changed by what i have known.

i am an old woman writing this.
i confess that i want You so much
i secretly call You "my Shiva."
You will come for me at body's death.
i aim to yield & melt into You
like egg & sperm in divine rapture.
everything temporal & human
dissolves in this ultimate union.

hold me in Your embrace, my Shiva,
gliding in this holy dance with me,
eternal lover & companion!
whirl me & turn me & take me home!