the emptiness of inner space enfolds in peaceful calm quiet. it sublimes everything into a warm embrace, a touch that feels as though the sharp edges that had kept the heart enclosed have now been softened into passing scenery--going, gone, no longer there. the past is a blur of green, blue, gold, dissolving into nothing that can be named, including myself. all the names now fall away. yet an urge remains, a calling, a gentle magnetic pulling that has me held fast in its grasp & takes me to the still-point of all that i have ever yearned for in my deepest most hidden heart shrine. it's You, Shiva. i am calling You--or is it You who call me? this emptiness of inner space is really filled by You, Shiva: Your fragrance of jasmine & datura, Your holy siren song that triggers all the best in me & affects me like ambrosia. the body wants the known & familiar in a pleasant pattern formed to cushion & protect the sociocultural program. that is not possible for me since i overflow its edges in the way that irrepressible exuberant life will do. no boundary can contain or limit me, Shiva, for You have fashioned me thus: for the liminal places & the far edges where reality melts into color & tone & songs are born. stories leak out sentence by sentence & numinous myths dwell there. cradle me close, Shiva, for i am soft & new as a baby in the absence of enculturation & social compulsion. only You are vast enough to hold me now that i have cast off the lines that bound me to the body & its documented past. all that remains now is the tender intimate vastness of You. cradle me close, Shiva, for i am soft & new as a baby.
Shiva, i am learning to know all substance as Your body & all beings with varying forms & functions as Your expressions. the density of matter cloaks complete knowledge of You, although You truly are the all-pervading essence of that which remains to awareness after the transitory departs yet again. this grand drama of life gives birth to the earthly realm, with humans & many other beings populating it in a dance of flowing creativity in a subtle evolving pattern. Shiva, i know that this body, the source of personality, is shaped by genes, conditioning & impacting outer events. therefore it is not who i really am, as You often point out. i learn slowly, glad that You patiently persist in Your teaching that who i really am is the one constant steady awareness that remains vivid when all else is gone: this knowing that "i am", the same indwelling wisdom common to all created beings. Shiva, You are above, below, surrounding & within: source, quest & destination. You are the universal medicine. like a great tide You are upon me, sweeping me up in the flood of Your expression, calling me to the heart, core & center of all the various comings & goings of daily human life. wherever i focus i see You at the living heart of it. i know how it finally ends. i know that the light of kindness will once more prevail & that darkness will again lessen & that this dance will continue as it always does. this endless cosmic glory is like a flower opening from bud, blooming, wilting, fading, falling, releasing the seeds of new flowers to repeat another sacramental cycle of Your rhythmic dance, Shiva. i am looking within to the heart's chamber where You dwell & i simply want to be with You in the refuge of Your calm presence. OM NAMAH SHIVAYA
i was in death's hands, Shiva. body parts were sacrificed to survive & cords of dark energy bound the soft flesh tightly in helplessness. in the midst of this turmoil, You came by way of hallucinations of warmhearted free-spirited visitors who blessed with their kindness. You gave rollicking tuba solos & a zany doctor teaching care of the newborn infant to new fathers through slapstick comedy. You brought me the fellowship & laughter that strengthen, heal & comfort. this body is an infant. i am caregiver, bringing mothering to a damaged being, surviving the surreal medical onslaught that swiftly changes the form & the life totally & finally. i stumble through the nether-realms, the murky land of loss & payment & emerge into an alien world where i have no place. i pay the price of loss by deep soul-searching & reflection, Shiva, drawing closer to You, yet still unseeing until i have amply ripened, or deliquesced as butterflies do in their spun chrysalis. You accompany & shepherd with guidance & care, leading me through healing in many realms. when i lose my way & falter, You guide me, urge me through the darkness to the renewal of my dedication to the divine & sacred within the ambrosia of Your presence. this woman's heart is given over to You, Shiva, & You shape it into an ageless holy pattern, newly disclosed in this lifetime, offering refuge in Your all-pervading, enfolding pure essence. here i rest in the embrace of Your goodness, truth & beauty.