just when i think i'm so free & detached, wham! i notice myself clinging to definite identity preferences with fiery passion that i thought was long-faded & finally extinguished. a lifetime's cultivation of detachment & dispassion is nebulous & vague in the face of a new irresistible attraction, which i never did see coming. i learn that i am not free at all, but am tied to ego-values with roots as deep as crabgrass. how can i adhere to detachment alongside the strong desire that i should be respected? they both stand nobly in the arena of the mind, regarding each other. desire circles around detachment, & confusion is born. clarity crumbles into rubble at my feet. where is trust? kindness now has suspicious squinty eyes & nothing seems dependable at all anymore, just as i began to think that i'm free & detached! enjoy the laugh, Shiva! i can see the irony too, but You alone have the solution. i am patient. i will wait for You. this is all Yours anyway, & i am Yours too, for we return to the fact that only in You is there full resolution & refuge for me, who comes from Your own ancient timeless origin.
You came to me softly in the night all those years ago, Your tender comfort wrapping me as completely as a swaddling blanket, from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. i had never felt so loved. You were bodiless, yet Your attraction was strong, like a tractor beam sweetly drawing me in to You. i had called You to me: You may have me completely. i give myself to You fully in service to light. i said that with a thirteen year old's sincerity in a stifling society. i turned my back on that world & i faced toward You, my visitor from another dimensional realm of mystery. alas, Your visit was so fleeting! You stayed but briefly, just to teach me how to make an altar that supported my deepest inner life. after all the detritus & dust has settled, You emerge again to me, in your body of power this time. i am swept up. i am wholly pulled in. i am with You, connected at the heart & by Your name. we are sealed together with Your mantra: om namah Shivaya. initially, You came to me softly in the night, yet now we walk in the light of day in bold unconcern & nonchalance. after all, You do have me completely, while the human world has but a small part. i travel this journey with You, Shiva, swaddled in Your divine name, which surrounds & overlights like the wild charm of Your holy aura.