there must be an earthquake away down deep inside me, because my rivers have stopped flowing & great cracks have appeared in the distant landscape. i must proceed carefully: no need to note the damage. it is meant be be a wake-up call to get my full attention. what has the earthquake released from its secret holding, cloistered in the far interior depths? what now slowly steps from the crumbled rubble? where is that light coming from? what is that subtle sweetness, that fragrance whose dear scent is imbued with the invitation to come closer? something living & good is calling for attention. i, who am a cluster of conditioned thoughts wanting to be more, draw near the One who is emerging from within. the earthquake declares His advent as He comes forth. He is Shiva, from whom my core atmic essence rises. it has taken an earthquake to shake me awake, & i am here, Shiva, yearning to be as nameless, faceless & clear as the air itself. guide me, that the heart may radiate blessing & healing to all earthly life. om namah Shivaya!
i see such a narrow slice of life: in essence, a micro-reality, the tiny zoomed-in view of a single pixel on its little adventures in wonderland. with education, training & practice, the questing pixel of me can see ever more extensive hierarchies of agreed-upon participation. so many configurations seem possible, & with eager caution i try a selection of them. but i see such a narrow slice of reality that the choices seem quite limited indeed. what if i turn my focus from the various choices of configuration to the source of them all? what if i shift my attention from the activity itself to That which is the originating source of it, the focal point? what underlies & overlights all this strange dreamlike realm? i am ready for awareness of a larger slice of existence & i set out to find it. psychoactive substances can offer a preview, an in-depth sample. they can indeed reveal more & can encourage one to walk the spiritual path. yet the real deep inner work must be done in every state of consciousness. it must be the sincere application of devoted intelligence, plus the focussed desire to realize the central divine essence of the vast complex surrounding multiplicity that we find ourselves held within. as for my narrow little pixel-sized slice of reality: i embrace it & honor it as best i can with what i've got, & then i set it free. i have done this for years & finally, now at last, You have told me Your name, & You are truly an amazing wild card! Shiva! this is the best plot twist ever in my life! that which i had considered could somehow be imagined is now brought to light & stands revealed like Mount Kailash when the clouds part & the sun touches its face in kinship. Shiva! it really is You, taking me beyond the old maya of unworthiness. "why pick me?' i would ask, feeling that a mistake had been made. yet here i must also acknowledge, "why not me?" for it's only through Your holy grace, Shiva, that the puzzle pieces are placed together & the picture emerges completely. this is Your grace alone. i am a spark of Your sacred flame, alight in gratitude, burning with love. my narrow slice of reality stands as a portal into You, Shiva.
i do not know how tightly i guard the borders of the body until an attentive & curious little spider demonstrates it to me. i am so intently aware of her that i feel like i'm vibrating. the net of the mind is held tight over one alert spider: we study one another for long intense intervals over the day & a half that she is here. she takes periodic rest breaks & retires into the dark havens of shadows & i maintain vigilance about where i place these large human feet when i walk. i examine my whole environment carefully so i won't inadvertently harm her. i am akin to a guitar string pulled really tight for the span of the spider's visit. only after she takes leave & departs do i realize how very powerful & concentrated the energy has been during her stay. i am not at ease with insects or spiders at all, so i had been in emergency alert mode for the entire time my visitor is here. as days pass by & the energies mellow, i realize at last that the little spider who stayed & studied me had left a barren place in my life. it is rather like the silence of an empty house after the beloved guest has gone. i miss the presence that had brought me such focus. she is more to me than merely a spider. she is a visitor who has come through Shiva to teach me. my sadhana is to pay attention. i love how miraculous life is! she had only a walk-on role, yet she made a very deep impression on me & has left me pondering. i know that everything is of value in the divine ecology. Shiva, all of us serve a vital function as part of a vast wholeness. since we all are important, i can't know if a spider is an angel, an arachnid or an alien, so i am grateful for all beings. beyond the surface appearance: we are holy, we are blessed, we are one.
i was talking casually with my friend claire, glancing at her, when suddenly You flash out of her eyes & into me by way of the eye. there is no time. there is only a vast, inclusive, infinite belonging & melting oneness. intelligent life leaps & dances forth, sweeps me into sweetness beyond compare. it is all i have ever longed for & it enters me fully. it is me. i am That. yes! my heart knows the wordless truth of it. & i blink & return back to the conversation with my friend. meanwhile, no time has passed &, for her, nothing at all has happened. i didn't know You by name then, Shiva, yet i am wedded to You & have been since i was 13, a chosen child bride promised to a vast warm being of power, capable of anything. that is Your nature, Shiva, & my nature is to be with You. a few months pass. i am a passenger in a car, holding my infant daughter in my arms. i look into her eyes & again, Shiva, You join with me through the portal of the eye of my child. this merging has no words & no story, only blissful love & infinite sweetness beyond slow clumsy words or comprehension. it is from the far distant realm of my heart's true ancestral home. & i blink, back in the body, as if no time had passed, as if i were just sitting in a car with other people, holding a baby, as if the day were typical & i wasn't now blessed. for i surely am, for we all surely are blessed, yet lacking the full vision, the deep realization. we can only gaze upon the far shore, glowing in the distance, & sincerely intend to journey there in the fullness of time. i call You by name, Shiva, to strengthen the energy between us, to get Your attention & to propel myself forward. i am like an arrow that is already loosed from the bow-string, speeding unstoppably to You. my attention is focussed fully on You, Shiva, my dharma & my destiny, & my heart knows the deep subtle truth of it.
there were many times in my life when You came to me & i did not recognize You, yet You reached deep down into me & seized my attention, drawing me forth through its sharp needle to pierce the moment & mark it for remembrance forever in my heart's memory. i trace the thread to its origin: it's You, always You in varied form & stance all throughout this long life. the more i search, the more robustly do you emerge within my heart, dancing to the beat of its drumming. please hold me in Your arms that i may honor Your call for consummation without condition. I yield now. i offer all freely, tenderly, ceaselessly.