the seed is the flower, the fruit, the tree,
existing at once in the heart's greenhouse,
in that realm where time doesn't play its game,
drawing things sequentially through our minds
like a comic strip to amuse devas!
You have set me apart
from the start of this life.
the pattern continues:
my yearning for union,
seeking to cleave to one
other person & place.
this ever eludes me.
what choice have i but to
turn to You, true constant
in the kaleidoscope
of this impermanence?
You sent me on this quest,
You accompany me.
i cling to You, Shiva.
You don't turn me away --
how could the heart turn from
its very own beating?
i offer You my heart
on a skewer
on a platter
as a gift,
so You know
i have nothing
left now, nothing.
i give You
events & worldly circumstances
wheel fast around me & i wonder,
am i turning too or watching it?
swiftly changing, the whirling blur is
too fleet to discern faces & forms,
only movement, the great dance of life.
shifting my gaze inward: constancy,
here, the point the wheel revolves around.
here is the steady living presence --
Lord Shiva, You populate my heart!
other loves are reflections of You,
all constantly pointing back to You.
this is my inner knowingness now.
this is my comfort & nourishment.
Your ceaseless companionship teaches
what is real, good, true & beautiful.
Let the world rush in its spurt of speed --
i cleave now to the Auspicious One.
Shiva, i am devoted to You!
i confess that people in my life
are like shadows cast upon a screen.
though they reach out, they cannot touch me.
their voices blend with the rushing wind,
as real as stars at noon, sun at night.
they come & go, rise & fall & fade.
only You stay steady, Lord Shiva.
You are seated firmly in the heart
& my life is circling around You,
held fast by an unbreakable cord.
Your fragrance tells me that You are near.
we are invisibly blended, wed,
& the party is in full swing now
in my heart's most resonant chamber.
the shadow people, slowly turning,
seem to move in time with Your music
which is leaking out through all my pores,
drenching the surroundings with Your love.
my hand, in Your hand, reaches to them
to whirl us in a vast circle dance.
You weave Yourself into the pattern
of my life after childhood departs --
my cry for meaning calls You to me.
You show me how to make an altar,
tell me about the world appearing
as pairs of opposite qualities.
You teach me to balance opposites
through You, by taking refuge in You.
i cannot say that You save my life
because first You tear it all apart.
or i tear it apart because i
can't stand the emptiness any more.
You bring me to a mountain to serve
& honor everything as sacred.
You're the thread stitching all together
in a pattern of pure symmetry.
jewels are hidden in the design,
dappled light, trees, foxes, bears & crows,
sunlight glowing through mist & green leaves,
birds carrying messages to gods.
i have loved You in Your many forms.
You are pattern, You are energy.
You are the weaver & the woven,
the rhyme that repeats in my lifesong,
great maker & breaker of patterns.
i am Your expression, Lord Shiva,
i am You singing me into life,
laughing in delight at our playing.
i was a lump of coal when first we met.
i was thirteen, just reaching to see
beyond the family walls. You were
my friend from another dimension,
my secret companion in wonder.
through these many years You pressed upon me,
impelling me inward & slowly
increasing Your pressure until i
became strong, bright, able to endure.
my darkness slowly changed to clear light.
You then carefully cut & faceted
the diamond You made of the coal
of my heart until, in my elderhood,
i became a rainbow & gave hope
& encouragement to those near me.
You never relented nor gave up
on me, continually shaped me.
now i can sit in darkness & yet shine
with light, for You have filled me with Your
downpouring loving light, Lord Shiva.
You have made me a diamond in
Your hidden treasure box, a fragment
of Your own majesty & glory.
i am a star in Your celestial
constellation; i am a blessing in
Your gift basket for humanity.
thank You, Lord Shiva, for the darkness
that makes the light irresistible.
a girl who is me at age fourteen
begins to awaken from sleep.
she is taken on a journey --
there is movement toward a being.
there is awareness & consciousness,
there is You, a beacon calling
in timeless, spaceless, placeless flow.
steadily i am pulled toward You.
You are all there is to me now --
You are a magnet, i am iron.
i come to You, ever closer.
this awareness is filling me up!
approaching You, converging now,
we blend into no me & no You,
just endless Being remaining,
& completeness, all-embracing love.
only belonging exists now
& grand radiant goodness & love.
there is no "i" within that realm,
yet i am there forever it seems.
i still remain there, even now,
so deeply am i touched, implanted,
marked by Your love & pure presence.
in my elderhood in this earth realm
i see what a treasure You gave
& celebrate Your light gratefully.
You are the gardener of my soul
& i am blooming for You, Shiva!
i missed our tryst this morning.
my mala lays cold, untouched.
the heart stutters in sorrow,
the mind shrinks back in dismay.
i call to You in longing,
confess my unconsciousness.
Shiva! the world dragged me off
to myriad diversions
& i forgot! i forgot
that i am betrothed, in love,
that i am pledged to You now.
i missed our tryst this morning.
i turned my back on our love,
lost in this transient world,
forgetting my vow, unstrung
like a broken old guitar
that yearns for music again.
i missed our tryst this morning
yet now i am here, renewed,
mala held close to my heart,
Your sweet love cleansing my soul,
patiently calling me home.
in the hot desert aridity,
in the whipping cold wind of the plains,
in the darkness & in the sunlight,
You are present, Shiva, You are here.
i sometimes forget, oh, i forget!
You do not forget me, not ever!
i reach back in my mind through the years
to the young girl who sought her true self.
i call out encouragement to her.
i tell her that the story ends well,
that it is good to be curious,
to question, to search & inquire,
that she really is completely loved.
You, Lord Shiva, do the same for me.
You keep sending messages of love.
my scrapbooks are filled with evidence
of Your presence, power and grace.
soon i will put down my storybook
& look You in the face & thank You.
i thought that i was done,
that my dharma was fulfilled,
that i could withdraw from
climbing yet another hill.
You sent me an angel --
You got my full attention.
i will not turn away
from divine intervention!
partners with my angel,
we repeat Your holy name.
we celebrate You daily,
adding fuel to Your flame.
i look upon the patchwork of my life
to find that You are the stitching
that holds the many pieces together.
You have revealed the symmetry
that this woman's life has formed over time.
the random struggles & failings
were sincere efforts at understanding
what i could offer to this world.
the pattern comes clear over all this time.
with distance, the patchwork pattern
resolves into a beautiful design --
it shows Your face, my Lord Shiva,
as You enfold me close, next to Your heart,
& everything makes sense at last!
i stand with You as together
we review the years of my life.
You show me the times -- so many! --
that You reached Your hand out to me.
i did not see! i did not know!
i was hypnotized, lost & blind
as i wandered in search of You,
finally feeling abandoned,
concluding that i was alone.
i was not alone. You were there.
i rejoice that i know it now.
You fill up my heart from within --
You are the heat & the movement
of the urgent body & mind.
You embrace me now from within,
fill the space between all the cells.
i am contained & surrounded,
my heart is surrendered to You.
You are by my side constantly,
whispering Your encouragement.