You took me at the peak of my glad celebration,
negating laws of physics, erasing everything.
You removed the concept "impossible" from my mind,
threw me in a multidimensional miracle
& shocked my mind silent, leaving me in stunned wonder.
that wonder still clothes me like an invisible cloak,
something too amazing to share, yet it changed my life.
speaking of it is like catching fish with hands only,
or caging wind in the hands to bring home for others.
You shine light on my daily rebuilding of structure
through my careful words like bricks in a tall wall, Shiva!
yet i still want to say "look! see! there is such wonder!"
so i string garlands of words that i offer to You
because i overflow with rejoicing that you're here.
i am blazing with Your presence & the light leaks out,
cascading in these limited words i can't curtail.
now i know which things keep me from You:
warmth of hot showers, food i prefer,
wanting other people to like me.
i am very happy to get them
& quite unhappy in their absence.
by wanting some things & not others
i chop my life into bits & pieces
& i lose You in the confusion.
i will make You the strong thread that all
the bits & pieces are strung upon.
I will give You the complete garland
because i want You the most, Shiva!
without You my whole life is empty.
body, personality, ego: biggest problem!
everything that upsets me points to all of this:
irritable impatience, self-referencing,
strong preferences, lack of mental discipline.
You have laid it out for me clearly, Lord Shiva!
i'm easily distracted by daily events.
i must repeatedly train the mind to silence,
to focus in the heart & third eye; above all,
to hold fast to Your divine presence, Lord Shiva.
You keep on limiting my experiences with people
& calling me back to You for yet deeper sadhana.
i think that i was not embodied for this human world
but rather to serve as an expression of Your outreach.
could it truly be that this inner life is my service?
that i am to cleave to You alone & simply to love?
that my presence here on this earth is to bless everything
without attachment to striving & doing & having?
am i enough for You, Shiva, just as i am, like this?
i bow to You in gratitude for all You have given.
You are my source & my refuge, dear divine companion,
& enough has been shared in all these clumsy words:
now, Shiva, my heart will speak to You in simple silence.
a grey mood squats heavily on my head,
dropping a veil on the face of the day,
muting sound & body, muffling the mind.
this inner weather comes with no warning,
wrapping around me in a strangling shroud.
i'm a zombie shuffling stubbornly through
daily routines in dull obedience.
Shiva, my thoughts & feelings are all wrapped
in multiple layers of sticky webs,
trapping my fingers & feet immobile.
my call to You sounds like a croaking frog.
there is no color in my life today,
just one thing after another to do
in an endless succession of demand.
ah Shiva! You are sky opening up!
You are tree that calls me to its shade,
the burst of sweet birdsong that pierces the
veil of the ordinary & mundane.
You are the bright sun & i am a ray
You sent to shine in this shadowy world.
the grey mood is blushing rosy pink now.
a burst of glory unfurls in the sky
& You are here in Your fullness, Shiva!
that inner weather is all-consuming
when it has its grim day of dominion.
dear Shiva! now i know the password to
exit that grey place of oblivion:
it is Your name! i call You ceaselessly,
i call You persistently. You are life,
& touch my heart & i belong to You.
please forgive the long forgetful grey days
when i lapse & the body weighs heavy
& my wanting You is but a dull ache.
i vow that i'll always return to You
as vision returns to opening eyes,
& lovers forever return to love.
a spider spoke into my ear as i ambled under her home in a tree at springtime twilight. it was a small squeaky warble with a soprano chittering. i felt her message in my mind: "wake up!" she exclaimed, "wake up now!"
i stopped, startled, for i had not heard a spider speak before & thus, came to a complete awareness. earth had opened her heart to me & i bowed in awed gratitude before this wild gift that collapsed my abstraction like a pin prick. my heart expanded as i soared into the wholeness of wonder which is life, when we awaken.
You sent me that spider, my love, another of Your reminders. that tiny modulated tone alerted me to awareness of the unseen world i wander as i return to You, Shiva.
when You came to me at first, Shiva,
i was newly mature in body
& yet a child in my mind & heart.
You were beautiful & good & kind
& You revealed that You loved me &
that i was good & perfect at heart,
& You held me within Your own heart,
so very close that i became love.
i melted into endless vast love,
wanted it like oxygen & light --
to be enfolded & suspended
in goodness, beauty & gentleness!
transcendent, divine, all-pervading!
when You came to me at first, Shiva,
i was tender & raw in this world,
betrayed & broken down to sorrow.
therefore i returned from our union
in amazed disbelief that such love
could ever be mine. i turned away.
i turned away from Your light & love
in shame at my own disordered life,
undeserving of pure divine love.
i plunged down a precipitous path
in thoughtless, careless exploration.
i would descend to the depths; i chose
to discern the domain of darkness.
i shut You out in raging despair,
throwing myself away to the world,
a boulder rolling down a mountain.
i could not bear the weight of Your light.
thus darkness swallowed me entirely
& i wallowed in grey shame & pain
while the universe wheeled around me
in ecstatic song, calling my name.
calling my name again & again,
tapping me on the head, sending me
visions of You loving me, Shiva,
until i slowly lifted my face
to see You offer a love letter.
i accepted it, took it to heart,
soaked up Your love like dry ground in rain
& moved forward from the shadowland.
You set me free when i was able
to accept such glorious freedom.
i no longer turn away, Shiva.
You are my doorway, sun, moon & stars.
i open to You in devotion.
You're a patient lover, i am shy.
i am divinely touched & entered.
Here i am, as an open window,
as a portal to deep mystery,
forever changed by what i have known.
i am an old woman writing this.
i confess that i want You so much
i secretly call You "my Shiva."
You will come for me at body's death.
i aim to yield & melt into You
like egg & sperm in divine rapture.
everything temporal & human
dissolves in this ultimate union.
hold me in Your embrace, my Shiva,
gliding in this holy dance with me,
eternal lover & companion!
whirl me & turn me & take me home!
all i'm ever loving is You, Shiva --
for all is spun out of You
& threaded through & throughout
the tapestry of this maya.
only You observe through these eyes,
only You warm this body.
my wordlessness is Yours too,
& my words as well, my silence.
i can only find You inside
what i thought was me & mine.
i look for me & i'm gone.
only awareness remains --
even this is You, Lord Shiva,
as we dance this dance in tandem!
Lord Shiva, You gently, persistently press on the mind, seeking space between thoughts as Your portal. my heart turns to You like a sunflower yearning for noonday sun, full open, drenched in Your light, while the mind is stunned thoughtless by the touch of Your grace.
the seed is the flower, the fruit, the tree,
existing at once in the heart's greenhouse,
in that realm where time doesn't play its game,
drawing things sequentially through our minds
like a comic strip to amuse devas!
You have set me apart
from the start of this life.
the pattern continues:
my yearning for union,
seeking to cleave to one
other person & place.
this ever eludes me.
what choice have i but to
turn to You, true constant
in the kaleidoscope
of this impermanence?
You sent me on this quest,
You accompany me.
i cling to You, Shiva.
You don't turn me away --
how could the heart turn from
its very own beating?