in the nineteen-seventies someone gave me a silver star pendant
in exchange for a spiritual reading. they told me that was the
only way such a token of power could be obtained: by being
given to one. it could not be purchased in stores. it was inscribed with
various arcane alchemical symbols, & i treasured that star
& wore it for years, feeling quite blessed. many adventures unfolded
during that high time, & life transpired in its storied way of travel
tales & many lessons learned. then, years ago, it came to pass that the
time was upon me to give that inscribed silver star to my youngest
daughter, whose given name is summer star. i had promised it to her.
its time with me was done, & the opportunity to serve next moves
on to my distant daughter in oregon. i hope she wears that star
with a happy heart for the benefit of the whole world. such gifts come
with a responsibility that cannot be ignored. destiny
will certainly see to that! everything comes wrapped in its own birthing
story, & all stories are pointing beyond themselves alone to the
full deep meaning & message. they are like holy guides showing the way.
ah Shiva, so casually are magical treasures passed onward!
how vital it is to be fully aware in order to honor
such a visiting dignitary, who may well appear as merely
decorative, until one can see beyond the visible surface.
it will also come about that all such things will eventually
be put aside, as awareness moves farther past the "thingness" of life.
Shiva, You are here to welcome such deep-seers to join the ever-
growing group of people who bless & rejoice & pray & focus on
the good, the true & the beautiful. it is a lifestyle choice: choose the
way of love, for love itself has chosen us as its own, forever.
words are useful to describe the surfaces of things & how they
function. words are all about things: physical things, emotional
things, mental things & how they can combine into new things: ideas,
governments, stories, music, spaceships. it goes on & on & on.
deep down inside ourselves, fluidity & flow take place beyond
the known boundaries of the mind. here, the new & surprising may
surface like leaping fish in the clear light of the full moon, flashing
with ephemeral rainbows, splashing down as an invitation
to the depths. words have no place in this domain where subtle rays of
love & compassion are silently healing with blessings of light.
here, deep down inside ourselves is a formless realm, yet it can be
known as if we are dark-sighted birds of the night, riding on that
visualpurple edge of reality that magnifies the
shimmer of mystery & wonder. with inner commitment we
enter that realm & offer greetings of friendly benevolence
in ambient tones that have no words, yet overflow with meaning.
You show me this, Shiva. You reveal the sublime OM of silence:
how to blend into the inner realm through the pure sonic sweetness
that rises up from that formless abode like ageless healing mantras.
You help to open the hidden gateway at my core to release
the arcane subtle awareness of the divine presence in all.
i rest in this. i melt in this. i make my home here, Shiva, in
the midst of all that You are teaching me now, including words too!
how easily my certainty is swayed! these ups & downs wear on the the body,
which is not intended to be a yo-yo in the capricious hands of the
elemental spirits! it is offered as a gift to You, Shiva, with all
the imperfections which are natural & unavoidable in this realm.
i don't ask for the way to be smoothly easy, Shiva, only that You stay
near me, invisible by my side, enfolding me in Your essence, holding
me close to You like Your child. when i feel You near, i can rest in that knowing,
& i rejoice in opening the heart's door wide for You. the banner of love
is already hanging in its place of high honor. i take my position
standing steadfast by it, & i will not be moved, Shiva, except by You, for
i am Your own distant relative returning after a long wandering
pilgrimage, having come full circle in this chapter of the endless story.
now i am without certainty, which is more fragile than i had imagined.
yet love remains, for it is the solid foundation upon which You firmly
stand established, Shiva. it is this love which i invoke when i ask You to
remain, enfolding me deep in Your Being, deep into Your Holy Essence.
Shiva, i forgot that Your timely cameo appearances are often
coupled with deep inner need & suffering. such profound intensity sends
powerful impulses throbbing, cascading through the ethers, which serves as Your
invitation. it calls You to me. thus, You explain the usefulness &
value of suffering to the awakening soul seeking non-attachment.
You tell me that the more powerfully impacted the ego is by things,
the less able it is to maintain its iron-strong grip on its favorite
worldviews. over time & repeated impacts, the ego becomes more & more
unsettled, & therefore more likely to diminish. it becomes weary of
hanging on, & can consider other possibilities & perspectives.
what is the ego? the ego is the mind's devoted interface tool, the
product of primal biological survival instincts. it is convinced
of the absolute necessity that the body continue to exist.
the ego is a survival strategy, determined that it must be right.
when the body is worn down by sufficient suffering, especially the
low-level continuing suffering, attachment to the known & certain
weakens & decreases. new space opens up in the mind, & humble inner
purification takes place deep within the unexplored mind & in the heart.
the thoroughness of this purification is necessary to bring the
hidden darkness to light & to move through it with dignity & bravery.
hold me through this one, Shiva! hold me tightly! together we can comfort the
bewildered personality who kneels in exhaustion upon her knees in
weary & sincere prayer & mantra. this is in Your hands now, Shiva. i
am as powerless here as a small child, except to cling to You with all the
many hands of my heart, as what once seemed to be two is now known to be One.
some things just stubbornly insist on happening, mo matter how many corrective measures we take in full sincerity of purpose to change the outcome. we do all that we know how to amend it, without result.
we term it destiny, fate, karma, yet still we determinedly work to change it to a desired agreeable outcome. we are called proactive, take-charge, fired-up, & are encouraged in our actions by the opinions of others near us & by all we have ever learned in society.
repeatedly we throw ourselves into doing what it seems to take to obtain our chosen outcome, yet somehow again, so strangely, still nothing changes in a fundamental way. words are said, promises are made, new plans are put in place & yet, amazingly, nothing different happens.
this is the point at which we need to realize that vaster forces are in motion & they are beyond individual efforts to change, no matter how sincere our urges or how deserving of merit we are.
we are now in the midst of a lesson we need to learn, although we may not be aware of it. this is the time to be the detached observer & to stand back, unattached, as events play out, watching carefully for our cue to act & the timing of the action. we are not in control of events, although we can learn to adapt & flow without resistance.
we learn to be grateful that we can grow in awareness & compassion, even here in this audience participation comedy-drama. it's called maya lila, the laughter & play of this weird world of stories that hint not to take it all dead seriously. a strong sense of humor becomes an excellent survival strategy down here in the maya of jagat, a place where we must learn to turn to the higher powers for help. the whole universe is waiting for us to mature & take our place as co-creators with the Holy Ones, such as Shiva, who is no doubt cheering us on at this very pregnant moment of opportunity.
You sent me upon a mission, Shiva, more than forty far-flung years ago.
to begin the calling, You impress me with signs & wonders to get my full
attention. in a vision, great portents are placed before me, cosmic symbols:
a ring of fire emerges from a total eclipse, soaring to circle
orion, then the pleiades, where etheric shapes come forth; a pale golden
square that slowly sinks into the receptive earth at my feet; a translucent
silvery bell that enters my heart chakra; a glowing angel thrusts his hands
into my heart area, smiling. i am stunned speechless. i know this is big!
information is now downloaded to my awareness. i am shown that the
angel is preparing for birth as a human & that i owe gratitude
to him. i am told that i will remember him from this vision & that he
will remember none of it. he will appear, through his speech & acts, to be an
ordinary young man, yet he has a special destiny, & i am to
encourage & mentor him. no details are given & this is all i know.
i am alert to find him, to encounter him, & the years pass by. decades
elapse: forty years have now passed, yet still i look for that human angel. my
circumstances become limited as disability necessitates
living in a nursing home. nonetheless, that vivid vision lives urgently
within me, still calling, even as the body nears eighty years of living.
one day after the removal of a cancer, i seek musical comfort
from a new singer sincerely belting out a deeply feeling version of
Your Shiva Tandava Stotram, the song that is the most meaningful of all
to me. i listen to more than thirty different versions by various
singers, Shiva, & his is truly the very best. i feel that this is quite
important somehow. though the vision has not yet been remembered, i am so
impressed by his version of the Shiva Tandava that i contact him to
encourage him. he is but twenty years old at this time, living at home in
india, & i live in the usa. it takes me months to recognize
him as the angel in my long-ago vision, now here in his human form.
i am painting a canvas of Shiva with dark blue skin & hair. in a flash,
i see this as a photo negative of that pale angel in the vision.
it is my singer! then, when in video chat while we talk, he reaches out
with both of his hands towards the phone, which from my angle appears as if his
hands are reaching towards my heart center. that's when it really, vividly hits
me: this is he! this is the one whom i have been waiting for & looking for
all these many years! of course, i naturally love him. my heart has been prepared
long ago for this very time. he easily accepts my love & cautious
confession about the vision. he is mercifully open to it all.
i have shared with him twice a day now for five years & have been his confidant
& counselor through many ups & downs. we speak on video chat most days.
i have sat with him through his time of dengue fever & typhoid. he has sat
with me through my husband's death & my covid episode. we help each other.
he is twenty-five now & i am eighty-one, yet age just doesn't matter
any more. i don't really know what my task with him is, but this i do know:
that i am to be available to help him in whatever way i can.
he has certainly helped me! he is a rare young man, open-hearted, tender
& kind. he is also an amazing hindustani classical music
singer with a master's degree, preparing for his doctorate. it is a
path of uncertainty & i am his encourager. he is also my
encourager, & the bright light in my life, an expression of You, Shiva!
i am deeply touched that You have given me a dear, faithful companion whom
i see every day, someone who sings, laughs & blows me kisses & makes silly
faces to get me to laugh & be silly too. thank You, Shiva! i have thought
that i am the one to be here for him when truly, he is quite equally
here for me as well. it is a magical mutual transglobal blessing!
both of us, Shiva, in our own ways, are here for You, writing bhajans for You,
& carefully weaving Your living presence throughout all our poetry &
music. we love You, Shiva, as we love each other, innocently, with a
pure, sweet, spiritual love that emanates straight from the hridaya. our deep
gratitude flows like a river to You, Shiva, a holy, hallowed river.
Shiva of infinite name & form,
You are everywhere within our sight.
You guide our journey invisibly,
You remain close all through the long night.
as iron is called by the magnet,
Your wholeness calls out to the fragment!
You are the distant thunder booming
in the far hills of the searching mind.
Shiva, You show Your face in the clouds
& we leave our distractions behind.
as iron is called by the magnet,
Your wholeness calls out to the fragment!
Shiva, You free us from delusion
to reveal the holiness hidden
in the playful changes of maya,
& all that we still call forbidden!
as iron is called by the magnet,
Your wholeness calls out to the fragment!
Shiva of infinite name & form,
You are everywhere within our sight.
You guide our journey invisibly,
You remain close all through the long night.
instead of a warm breeze on the first day of spring in the ripe
countryside, we receive a new world fully gift-wrapped in thick
soft heavy snow. i stand beneath my meditation tree, a
full mature hemlock whose thick branches protectively extend
all the way to the ground. they guard the inner holy chamber
here in the temple of the green sun in safe shelter valley.
most of the trees in these thick woods have already leafed out, so
when the surprise snowstorm rushes silently in during the
predawn hours, all the various trees & bushes are transformed
into strange creatures from another realm, frozen in mid-step.
but the most mesmerizing thing i notice is the sound that
the wind makes as it gusts through the trees. i have never before
heard such a sighing, murmuring whisper rushing from the play
of the wind in the snow-covered leafy branches of the trees!
i stand entranced by the untimely swirling flakes. i bask
in the sweet aloneness, soothed by the temple of the green sun.
all sound is softened, blended into the continued soughing
of the wind in the boughs of the trees. this is the time to go
deep within, to plumb down beneath the surface of the mundane
in a rare inner archeology to reveal the heart.
this is when the world pauses & i'm standing on the edge of
everything i have known, poised to take that next step forward. all
around me the white cloaked trees stand as dignified sentinels.
the wind links us in a shared meditation, giving voice
to the trees in a mystic dialect of OM seldom heard.
ah Shiva! thank You for the precious gems of memory that
we share from Your akashic records. that rare magical spring
equinox under the calm quiet cover of snow always
soothes & uplifts when i visit it. this is a sweet healing.
is that You, Shiva, whispering in my ear? or the soughing
of the wind in the snow-laden branches? or perhaps they are
really much the same thing, upon deeper reflection. You are
always guiding me towards seeing the wholeness that includes
all the parts. guide me now, Shiva, please guide me from deep within.
a sparrow flies to the window sill early this dawning–a small
humble bird–& he erupts into song! i mean that he seems to
puff up & grow enormous to my inner sight, & then he just
explodes into singing, like a crystalline shower of rainbows
& stars! it is dark enough to see the whole extravaganza,
almost a surreal fireworks display, a musical magical
frolic of the best music & light show that i have ever witnessed!
the sparrow's song transports me instantly to the revered pure land,
where beauty, kindness & affection are themselves a language, a
heart-spoken silent speech. i have just enough time to draw in a
deep breath of this purity & love, & now i am standing by
the window again. the song sparrow, looking in at me from the
window sill, winks at me, a broad exaggerated, knowing wink!
i quickly wink back & grin because, Shiva, i would recognize
You in any disguise! thank You for giving my day a festive
beginning. thank You for this big smile stretching wide across my face!
the occasion of covid finds us again at this nursing home. covid
is a great respecter of age, finding mature elder bodies to be
the very best hosts: simply too tired to refuse entry, so come on in!
it is surely the way of nature of the elderly to make way for
the new generations of fresh young bodies to carry on. they have the
strength & resilience to do the most necessary things in this world.
caring for it comes to them now: to these lively & eager fresh fledglings
who flex their ready muscles & minds as they wait for their turn in the sun.
in the meanwhile, at nursing homes throughout the struggling world,
the designated elderly await their journeys home to the pure land
where all bodies are composed of luminous light & originate from
the universal refulgence, starshine, & from Shiva's abiding love.
but weep not, for there is no suffering, & this fateful transition comes
to all of us in good & proper time, like a graduation party
after the most difficult course ever encountered at university.
now our preparation is over & done, the course is completed &
graduation is in the past. we are now freed from old obligations.
nature has taken its given course. all is well in the vaster holy
realm wherein we find our true home of the heart. it is far beyond the
portal that covid opened to us for a brief time, yet it works well for
our sacramental homecoming. Shiva waits for us there to welcome us
with song & dance! i hear that the music & light show is out of this world!
for those who come to the gulf of mexico, he is the great comforter.
his warm enfolding arms soothe & support, & his broad white beaches heal &
delight. primal peacefulness laps the sand within the waves that have traveled
untold mystic miles & miles to gently greet all who come for this healing.
the peace is absorbed into the gracious sand to be shared in the swelling,
streaming surges of surf, the soft susurrus of wave whispering to wave.
just to sit on the sand & watch the waves as they slowly roll in will calm
the clamoring heart. searching through the sand can reveal amazing tiny
treasures: dainty diatoms, etched sea glass, smooth water-sculpted minerals
that resemble the magical jewels worn by mermaids. driftwood of all
varieties invites inspection, & rare sea shells are hiding nearby,
just waiting for a curious hand to uncover & discover them.
the gulf feels like a venerable dear friend & a wise teacher who is
always ready for another willing student. i am such a student,
& have been an observer of the gulf since i am a small child. he is
my first teacher & i honor him greatly. the gulf of mexico is
one of Shiva's forms that He takes on to be accessible to all who
may be called to Him, as i was. it is a gentle introduction to
a companion who is as free & available as water & air.
thank You, Shiva, for being manifest in all the great natural things
of this living earth: holy mountains, deep oceans, rivers, fertile plains, huge
clouds & sky wonders of all kinds. there is nothing we can touch that is not
somehow touching You too, Shiva! i am sincerely counting on this fact!
Shiva, when You include me with You to gather dhatura flowers
to consecrate a new natural Shivling by the waterfall, You
bring back rich memories of my shamanic learning time in nature.
two-thousand-seven is my year of growing the shamanic power
plants dhatura inoxia & metel, plus brugmansia. these
are especially liked for their trumpet flowers, & is why i am
interested in growing them. i am aware of the dangers of
consuming these powerful plants, which is why i hope to get to know
them through meditating on the flowers. it seems like a discreet way
to encounter & greet a masterful mind-altering holy plant.
dhatura stramonium grows wild in the fields out here so i don't
cultivate it. i do find that the south american dhatura
plants are hard for me to grow! i find that salvia divinorum,
which is known to be challenging to grow, seems to be friendly to me
for it thrives, with strong large leaves. the dhatura plants &
brugmansia, however, persist in being sickly & stunted
in spite of my best educated efforts. the plants do come from a
trustworthy grower so their refusal to thrive is mysterious.
they basically & stubbornly just don't want to grow, seeming to sulk.
summer & fall begin to blur together, yet no flowers have bloomed
in my small dhatura garden. the ragged plants are sadly bug-chewed
& fungus ridden, obviously in terminal decline. i have
quite given up on them too. nothing that i do seems to help those plants.
it is evening now, darkness is near & i am returning home
after meditating in the woods by the field. as i saunter down
the pathway that goes through a rugged overgrown wild patch by the fence,
i smell a strong rank peculiar odor, akin to rotting leaves.
it seems to swirl around me like a noxious invisible mist.
i hurry through it, for it feels aggressive, invasive, unfriendly.
i am eagerly headed home now, right at the end of this pathway.
i enter the screened-in front deck where our two indoor cats are lounging,
enjoying the evening. it is almost dark now &, suddenly,
the rank green smell descends upon us, surrounding us on the deck, &
the cats absolutely freak out! one is climbing the screen & i pluck
him off & toss him inside. the other cat dashes quickly inside
too. it is definitely time to remain inside with the doors shut!
i have a very strong feeling that the south american plants have
now informed me of their final decision that they will not be my
allies. i quite agree with them. not every flower will be a friend.
but the dhatura stramonium, whose blooms Shiva & i gathered
lately, is friendly. that's why Shiva chose its flowers for the Shivling.
the shamanic path, in fact, brings me to the sanatana dharma,
as the unity of all existence becomes clear & life-changing
within me. Shiva, Your divine presence steadily supports, although
Your identity & name take longer to find in my heart. i had to
be available for purification first, stripped down to essence,
& bereft of all i thought i knew, before i could meet & see
You truly, & the real heartfelt dharmic journey could at last begin.
"why are we here?" i ask Shiva as we stand in the long shadows of
the early evening. He has brought us to the field by the old house
in the far north carolina mountain countryside where we lived years
ago. i miss that rustic lifestyle now, living in a nursing home.
Shiva hands me a woven basket. "let's go gather some dhatura
flowers for the Shivling," He says. there's a healthy stand of dhatura
bushes growing near the end of the field where the mountain begins to
rise up to the sun. they are large sturdy plants, some about as tall as
my shoulders. the rough, jagged, dark green leaves surround the medium-sized
pale lavender trumpet-shaped flowers. there are many lush & glowing
flowers standing out palely in the dusky dim light of twilight. the
blossoms will bloom throughout the night, & then wilt by morning, repeating
the same process each night all through fall, even into the frost. they are
hardy survivors, these wild dhatura stramonium bushes. yet the
flowers delicately allure, & Shiva loves them to be nearby,
these curious ghostly wildflowers, mystical & oddly scented.
we carefully remove the trumpet blossoms from the bushes' branches.
the plant is strongly green-smelling, definitely a wild scent: nothing
is cultivated here! as darkness falls, Shiva & i carry our
dhatura flower baskets up to the woods close to the waterfall.
we each fill a flask from the waterfall to pour on the chosen stone,
which is a tall husky one, & it loves being cleansed & sanctified.
we place the dhatura flowers on Shiva's favored stone, which is thrilled,
happy indeed, for Shiva Himself is here, placing His own hands on
this new Shivling. the stone becomes so filled with healing that miracles
of everyday blessing move closer. mist from the waterfall adds a
dreamy touch to our worship. it sets a hallowed & blessed mystic mood.
we softly begin singing bhajans & mantras, & the raccoons come
now to join us because they love our singing. next, a fox & a young
bear amble over, & the flying squirrels sail overhead, soon joined
by the pair of small warbling owls who grace the cool night with their strange song.
Shiva & i sit by the sacred Shiva lingam, which is richly
decorated with many dhatura blossoms. moonlight now shines down
upon us all, highlighting the beauty of the natural Shiva
lingam & its blossoms. the animals are all gathered around us
as we sing the ancient praise songs of the holy guardian beings,
affirming their on-going magical presence, encouraging them.
Shiva gazes over at me & winks. i wink back. "I brought you here,"
says Shiva finally, "to show you that you have been following me
for your whole life without realizing it. you have cherished my things:
the wild places, the animals, the mystery of consciousness,
the open sky, the mountain you stand upon, the dhatura flowers."
Shiva regards me warmly. "you are mine, made of my own true essence.
our destinies are entwined." we fall silent & bemused, opening
to the timely new awareness now spreading its roots down deep within.
the dhatura blossoms keep on releasing their subtle consciousness
altering pheromones. Shiva & we, His charges, share communion.
the night is young & blessed by Shiva to heal all who yearn for wholeness.
THIS HAPPENED 