i will not dance the charted steps,
i will not wear the veil.
i turn from phoney flowers,
i only seek the real.
i am not a proper puppet,
the strings are mostly cut.
long ago i shunned the wide way
to try the obscure rut.
i have no regrets or sorrows
or things i wish i'd done.
i rest now in Lord Shiva's arms,
the many returning to One.
You are the distant thunder
in the far hills of my mind.
i see Your face in the clouds
& i leave my tasks behind.
i pray for Your healing rain,
i plead with my voice & eyes.
sprout my seeds that they may grow,
touch me with Your warm sunrise,
enter me with Your pure glow.
i sold my mind for a few kind words
& gave my body away,
yet they could not really get to me
for i hid behind the play.
the passing people, their undreamed dreams,
went by like shadow & dust.
i grimly witnessed the storyline,
i did what i knew i must.
i turned my back on the human world.
i wandered my blinded way
& fell into a vast emptiness,
night after night with no day.
i cried for light & i begged for it
yet turned away my head
from every single kind offering
of sustenance, & i fled.
i could run, i could not hide from it
& i could not veer away.
i faced it all, i embraced the act,
my part within the play.
then i was dismembered with a knife
& speared by a holy word.
i bled my sadness, i bled my fear
& i threw away my sword.
i looked away from the play of dreams
& long sought for something real,
where heart & mind might find their true home,
where then i could laugh & feel.
many years have plodded past since then
& much was explored & seen.
i was not touched. though the lines were there,
still i remained in between.
until You came & that changed it all
for You brought the world alive.
You took my weary old cardboard life,
the play, the dream, final dive --
You turned me around & upside down
& also inside & out.
You revealed the real within the fake
& You took away my doubt.
i sing now the song my heart calls forth
in sweet tones like colors pure.
the real is living within my soul,
the rest I can now endure.
the mirror is covered with dust
& age is devouring the mind.
my heart hungers for Lord Shiva;
He shines like a sunrise to me.
i open in His warm sweet light
like rose petals from the tight bud.
He is first & middle & last,
the only focus that matters
as the body nibbles at time.
leaving the mirror behind me,
i return the dust to the earth
& face into the mystery
as i hear His song calling me.
He comes, He comes, my Lord Shiva!
He is radiant with blessing!
He sings me home, my heart is His.
i cling to Him, my timeless Friend
to whom i am betrothed: my Love!
i looked through the eyes of the damned, i looked through the eyes of the cursed. i wallowed in sorrow & smut, swallowed by dark ruminations that laid me down flat like roadkill. yet still Lord Shiva approached me, He opened His circle to me. i turned away, my face covered, & hid in the shadows of shame.
He gave me full rein to destroy so i tore the script of the world, shredded the judgements of others, moved from the careful & cautious, plunged into the mystery bright. it burned away the deep darkness. it left me with nothing to hide.
He came like a storm in springtime. i lay spread like dry earth below. He was the downpour that drenched me & pulled out the sprout from the seed. He opened His arms, He claimed me, He held me like music & art.
I am His drum, His brush & paint, i am His words, His wordlessness. i now celebrate Lord Shiva, Who took me in & judged me not & cared for me when i could not.
i knew i was not lost
though they told me i was.
i knew that i was blessed
though they said i was cursed.
i lived my days with them
courting the mystery
ceaselessly calling me,
utmost magnet of love
i am aware of You --
i feel You in my heart
& in my brain & bones.
You stroke me with soft wind,
You sway in the shadows
& You blaze in the sun.
You call me from hiding
& stand me before You,
naked in my yearning,
stripped of human learning.
i am Yours, returning,
open like a plowed field
ready to receive seed.
I knew I was not lost.
I knew that i was blessed.
I knew that it was You
who comes to me at last.