You are woven through my life, patterned in my skin & bones. You have carried me through loss & danced with me in danger. my eyes have been uncovered: now i know You for my guide, see Your touch upon my fate. Your hand is raised in guidance, Your gaze enlightens my path. i am empty without You. the fragrance of Your presence invites me to cling to You, wife welcoming husband home.
You sent me out into the woods at twilight to sing to devas in the blue ridge mountains of my dreamtime. i consecrated leafy temples to the divine as You urged me deeper into the green-fingered trees. You led me on intense quest after quest. i trusted You to guide me on my way & You have blessed me, made a thing of beauty of my long stumbling life-journey. You urged me close so that i could take refuge in You. You are my true reality in this comedy of posturing, this rowdy parade of cosmic clowns. You have ordered this woman's life to sacred song which is imprinted deeply in my heart's memory: "i mean no harm. i am passing through. i celebrate all existence." & i do, regularly, daily. truly, seeking refuge in You takes me to the heart where all experience is rendered luminous, pure, with sacred secret messages of Your loving care, that holy trust that has me singing of You, Shiva!
"not everything is of great consequence," is said by some. "there are things of importance & things of less importance." don't believe it! the stars are hanging on our very breath! the farthest galaxies are swimming in our own bloodstream, heating the body, sharing primal creation secrets as we come into organized form in our mother's womb. we emerge from the womb slick with the moist blessing of the great divine benefactor of arcane organic life. we come into a world of shattered stone & hidden light. all things here are pointing back to the source of creation. everything matters because we all come from that one source & our very quantum core is shared with the indivisible. we must remember this when we are told that we don't matter because of a human-generated code of judgement based on appearances, differences & social values. don't believe it! the stars are hanging on our very breath! the farthest galaxies are swimming in our own bloodstream in this pervasive quantum entanglement we call life.
i appear to be a self-willed individual, yet i'm truly a cooperative group effort of various elemental creative forces & devic entities, standing in their active ranks, as Shiva places His holy seal upon my heart. all creation is expressing by way of matter & self is actually vast, cosmic & divine. appearances conceal by promising to reveal, as entire fused universes of blended beings are dancing in my arteries & upon the sun. i smile a modest shy acknowledgement, all proper, pretending to be a self-willed individual when i'm really an entire party in full loud swing with a heavenly guest list of stellar magnitude!
i go through it again: the loss, the pain, the suffering & loneliness. again i cleave to You & give it all to You -- it's all i have to give! there is nothing to offer but the heaviness of the occluding flesh & the memorized stories about how it came to be the way it is. they are worn thin at the edges, ragged & smeared with multiple corrections. every day i throw them away again but they crawl back in the dark night. yet fewer words are there & the manuscript is thinner now over time, after these years of turning my back & resolutely walking away. oh Shiva! this is a hard lesson, all this emptiness & loneliness! it has held me down & had its ruthless way with me long enough indeed! You help me see the old eroding patterns to leave them. You guide me home. You come back for me relentlessly, You reach to me as i reach to You. i walked the cold solitary halls of separation & division & i'm headed for the door, Shiva, walking onward to full disclosure, where we share sweet infinite kindness & love without a word or a thought, & nothing stands in opposition or defense to the purity of love.
for aeons uncounted You have abided. for aeons uncounted i have sought You through the denseness of the concealing flesh, through the dark of the awakening heart. this is the time of our fated meeting, the union of soul & spirit confirmed. the world shivers in anticipation of this grand cosmic union, long foretold. the soul has proclaimed this primal vision to the stuttering, stumbling slow mind who carefully counts the syllables of a poem on the fingers of both hands. now the poem has emerged from the pen, spilling out upon this clean white paper. in this very manner continents shift & cosmic patterns align in the sky. for uncounted aeons we glide in dance, turning again through the stars & the dust, trailing the veil which no longer conceals the bright light of the awakening heart.
the meat rides heavy on the weary bones, all motion slow as if underwater, information lethargically flowing into the dense-packed laboring cells of the brain with which the heart has lost touch. the heart no longer reaches very far, the weight is too oppressive for movement. the meat rides heavy on the weary bones. some unrelenting force of gravity discourages lively exploration. only the known & familiar patterns are permitted to pass through to action. the mouth & brain coordinate in stealth like fingers pointing to the racing moon. ah, Shiva! i will search more carefully for Your hidden messages of good cheer leading me home to Your divine essence. i am struggling through this mess now, Shiva, tangled & caught in ancient protocols. the meat rides heavy on the weary bones yet You are the dispelling force, Shiva. i call to You: om namah Shivaya!
when a flower falls from its mother plant before my own eyes, i know that it is now offering itself for my altar to Shiva, the one who fills my life full. i myself have fallen into this world & cannot stop from calling out His name, for thus has He touched me & changed my life. His names are many, His presence is One.
Shiva, i am here to talk to You & to stay focussed on Your wavelength rather than to drift within the drama which i see dancing around me. i see the cracking everywhere, the evidence of a dying age. even beyond the human ferment i register the shifting aeons, the mysterious powers that ebb & flow in the wild daily display. Shiva, i am here to talk to You & to stay focussed on Your wavelength, to look for Your hidden loving touch of presence, expressing tenderly, rather than to fashion socially accepted scripts, repeating daily. i come, appearing as this body-personality, offering it all. i come to You raw, unfinished & coming apart, yet yearning for You. This is the record of my sadhana, which gifts You with my total sum.
You come into my life like sudden lightning, a flashing crash that shifts earth on her axis, a meteor, a vast dancing aurora, sunrise over a new continent rising from the ocean beneath a flaming comet. the old ways are gone in this bright burning dawn. here a new realm awaits, mystery invites. mist rises up from a rushing waterfall, surrounding me in cool starlight sprinkled fog, soaking my innermost hidden dark places, urging new green sprouts to push up into the irresistibly enfolding light of You. now i understand why flowers must blossom.
sometimes You are bright like a diamond in sun & i can be dark like night, deep & moist. this is what the dance now appears to present, yet always there is new life coming forward through the union, untold possibilities awaiting their time to come upon the stage. "welcome, my children," we greet them together.
the sky knows the curved arc of Your arrival, sweeping in swiftly at the midheaven's height. the earth knows the impact of Your arrival, spreading in long slow waves out from the center in familiar pattern of quickening life. the sky knows the curved arc of Your arrival. You come from far beyond sky, i awaiting. the heart is awakened & receptive now, the energy focussed, the urgency known in this quickstep dance pattern of creation, in an ever-rising rate of vibration.
there's an emptiness i will not look at again, a hidden hole i will not fall into this time. day dissolves into night, turns into weeks & months. all softens & shifts in the blue melting distance & i cling to You now. i cannot do this alone. but with You it can finally be accomplished. You can do all that i am unable to do. just be here with me & keep me company while this great transformation rages in us all.