little spider, i am surprised that i miss you & the intensity of your being overlighted by a vaster intelligence & will. i felt as if a great mothership hovered overhead, surrounding us in a numinous mystical energy field. everything was vivid, crisp & focussed. it was powerful, unsettling, yet it was also like a surprise visit by an honored & well-loved celebrity of note. little spider, you touch my life in a tender way, like a gentle tap on the shoulder to awaken me. you have changed my perspective away from the conditioned, limited humanocentric view towards a far broader & more inclusive way of seeing life. your visit has blessed me. thank You, Shiva, for this exalting & humbling experience, which clearly demonstrates to me that all things & beings are far more than the face which they ordinarily reveal. we all, without exception, are sacred seeds of the uttermost divine deity & we would do well to recognize this & to treat each other in just this very manner. what a powerful thing, to hold one another in the esteem of our focussed attention. it's like sitting by a clear rushing stream that blesses with the ripple & surge of its cooling flow. the energy is healing, & i thank You, Shiva, for taking me with You into the mystery.
i am sitting on the toilet when i see the spider watching me from the corner of the room. she is not large, yet has my attention. i am carefully tracking her since i can't go to her at this time. she moves to sit in front of the door & now my attention wanders. when next i look, she is gone. when i rise from the toilet, i check out the corners & crannies of the room: i don't see her. i carefully, slowly, alertly return to my room, searching for her. here she is! sitting in front of my recliner! we examine each other from across the room. i talk to her, explaining that i would like to take her carefully outside where i am fully convinced that she would be happier. i speak in a sweetly soothing voice & go to get my spider-catcher, a clear plastic drinking glass with poster-board lid to slide over the opening. i return to see her yet sitting by my recliner. i move slowly toward her, still speaking soothingly. when she sees the glass in my nearing hand, she quickly scurries away, out of sight. i sit in my chair, transferring the glass to the little table in front, still talking to the spider. she slowly emerges from hiding & returns to sit in front of my chair. i simply talk companionably to her & slowly reach for the spider-catcher, calmly rising with it in my hand. again, upon seeing the glass, she scuttles rapidly away, disappearing from my sight once more. i apologize to her for causing fear & explain that outside truly is better than in here, but she does not show herself again to me. hours later she returns to sit by me, seemingly still curious. i am determined to safely remove her, but she won't permit it: whenever she sees me with the glass in hand, she speedily departs. the next day i ponder this wonder-filled visiting spider event. she seems as intent on watching me as i am on watching her. she does seem to make certain that i see her, so it seems that perhaps she is giving me a message. an exchange of energy does take place: i can feel the connective charge between us, the mutual regard. slowly, like the sun rising over the far horizon, i begin to understand more of this event. Shiva, You teach me by coming as a spider to awaken me to the great holy realm of small earthly life. oh! didn't i just write a poem about maya's web? that's a spider-friendly image, & the lesson is to do what one must with conscious awareness & with kind & full intent to bless, while safely navigating maya's alluring situation set-ups. there is no judgement involved. it is all too vast & mysterious for heavy-handed words or confining concepts to seize & capture. i set my pen & paper down as i prepare to rise from the chair. wait! what is this? again my gaze lights upon the intrepid spider who taught me so very much, sitting here once more at my feet right now! a flood of wonder rushes all through me. the spider moves aside to sit nearby & i grab my smartphone to take her picture. she poses calmly. i move to get the spider-catcher & she moves too, swiftly gone now. this is no ordinary spider, accepting the smartphone held in my hand, yet fearing a glass held in that same hand! does she know my thoughts? i can't help but laugh in amazement at this glorious, outrageous display of divine playfulness! what else is there to do in the face of such events? anything is possible: Shiva can play the role of a spider. all life is holy & blessed in the midst of this pure sacred rising toward the endless glory of the light of being. all life is included in this abiding divine downpour of love.
i am a modular being, layered like a cake. the body, mind & feelings compose the ego-personality layers, & the witness stands central as portal to You, Shiva, making the cake of me multidimensional, bridging & blending realms, giving You access through me to pour bright energy to the world. as witness i'm like a comicstrip superhero, peeling off the outer layers of my disguise. i step forth when the need calls to be the willing witness who can see the gift of the patterns organizing the richly varied drama of daily life. i aim to be detached so that no harm can ever befall me. yet maya still seduces by lavishing me with my fondest wishes, now fulfilled, luring me back to her sticky web. desires i never knew were there have merely lurked just beneath the surface, awaiting their cue to surge forward, & i am stuck yet again. i'm caught once more in a situation i never saw coming & don't want to let go, all layered enticingly & well. where is my one-pointed awareness? where is my heart flying free? where is that cool-headed detachment when i'm stuck here in maya's web? You've brought out my hidden attachments, Shiva, the acceptance i had never dared hope for before, & i get to unravel the ties & the knots that i wasn't aware were there. it feels like do-it-yourself open-heart surgery, & i'm clumsy at best. maya entices me to plunge into the world where i'm whirled through the cycles, the ups & the downs, with many a story to tell. Shiva, You use all of maya's ruses to hone my edges as sharp as keen knives that i freely may cut through the many ties that weigh me down, bind tight & hold me back. i need to see it all through to the final credits at the end & then the lights will come on again. You will be revealed by my side to the inner vision as maya shifts the scene & the music rises to bridge to the next episode. the detached witness rises once more within to do it all again, yet on a higher turn of maya's spiral. this is our dance, Shiva, round after round, recognizing & then refining the moves of the drama, turning the darkness to light.
beyond all form & function, beyond the need for a name: within the innermost vastness, deep, unknown & dark, You are here now in bold vivid presence. i don't know just how i discern it, yet i feel You as if You're my own breath, soft & full way down inside me, warm & welcome within, moving gently although unseen, known in silence alone. breath rises & falls & even speech is quiet at last, yet still You remain lingering in Your home in the heart. beyond all form & function, beyond the need for a name: even so, i call You Shiva, the name that is inscribed somewhere inside so deeply down it can't ever be lost, even within the vastness unknown, where it shines as a spark of Your light. it can't be hidden; it can't be quenched.
the wind is playing with the newly-leafed tresses of the nearby trees today, tossing them about as if they were the long curls of intense & passionate spanish dancers. i only see their shadows on my curtains, but oh, how joyous they seem to be, flinging & swinging their new spring leaves in dramatic sweeping curves of visual gratitude! deep within, Shiva, there is springtime in the soul as well, reaching out eagerly to You in Your guise as the solar winds to dance in grand cosmic revelry. although i cannot see it directly, i do notice the evidence of light & freely given exuberant wonder & joyousness. i am stretching full out to catch it in the fingers of subtle new awareness & discerning observation. in this world, only the form is seen, & it too is beautiful in the way that graceful moving shadows are when cast upon a curtain. they draw us to open wide the curtain that we may see truly with direct perception rather than partially & obliquely only. yes, Shiva, everywhere i look i see Your messages & teachings. the dancing shadow shapes of the leafing trees are Your fleeting greetings, giving rise to a broad smile on my face & melting warmth in the heart.
sometimes i am a garden lying fallow after harvest, stripped of my nourishing abundance. my leaves are brown & crisp, stalks & stems are brittle & broken, scattered on the resting earth as a testament to blessings given generously. i can breathe into the earth even when i cannot reach for the shining sky, so i go deep, deep down past the spent dry roots. i sleep, forgetful of bright springtime & sun, returning the physical substance to its origin. i dream. i dream of You, Shiva, Who planted me here & cultivated my pure essence & reaped my natural bounty. it has emerged from tiny hard seeds hidden in the darkness of the ground, & grown to lift many arms & hands up to praise the sun & honor the moon. it has been glorious, & i thank You, Shiva, as i release the firm form into the cool darkness & soft dust of the waiting earth. lying fallow is also part of the process that yields the next abundant harvest in its own time. hold me, Shiva. hold me as i rest quietly without care, dreaming of formlessness & freedom from this human dharma.
it is as if i have been granted access to a dimension previously unknown to me. evening enfolds, & the other residents are in bed as the mind's silence now invites peace to embrace. i relax in my recliner, contemplating the soft surrounding space stretching above me & all around. my eyes lose their concrete focus & widen into the shifting shadow & light of the dancing air. it is as if the focus of my eyes has adjusted to a more rarified realm. i can no longer separate the vision of the physical eye from the mind's eye. gradually i become aware of two vague beings on either side of me. i slowly understand that they are benefactors, healers, & that i am one of their charges. we communicate wordlessly as they share their healing energy, which i accept, leaning back in my recliner. i come to understand that this interpenetrating higher dimension is always present, freely offering access to uplifting energies. my own vibratory rate has apparently quickened enough now to allow contact. this information flows into me to comfort with pure intent. all is warmly radiant with the light of truth & the fragrance of cosmic love interpenetrates everything. i relax into the healing blessing of this new frequency. awareness has deepened & expanded to include so much more! even after the passage of time back here in this world of flesh, blood & bone, i can feel the benevolent subtle presence of this more refined vibratory realm, a place of healing indeed! thank you for the warm encouragement, Shiva! i am heartened & energized to continue on, for i have now experienced that which was previously known through the intellect alone. though that is is not my goal, Shiva, it stands as a marker on the path of return to You, who are the focus of my attention. You alone dwell in my heart, which now sings Om Namah Shivaya!
i was talking casually with my friend claire, glancing at her, when suddenly You flash out of her eyes & into me by way of the eye. there is no time. there is only a vast, inclusive, infinite belonging & melting oneness. intelligent life leaps & dances forth, sweeps me into sweetness beyond compare. it is all i have ever longed for & it enters me fully. it is me. i am That. yes! my heart knows the wordless truth of it. & i blink & return back to the conversation with my friend. meanwhile, no time has passed &, for her, nothing at all has happened. i didn't know You by name then, Shiva, yet i am wedded to You & have been since i was 13, a chosen child bride promised to a vast warm being of power, capable of anything. that is Your nature, Shiva, & my nature is to be with You. a few months pass. i am a passenger in a car, holding my infant daughter in my arms. i look into her eyes & again, Shiva, You join with me through the portal of the eye of my child. this merging has no words & no story, only blissful love & infinite sweetness beyond slow clumsy words or comprehension. it is from the far distant realm of my heart's true ancestral home. & i blink, back in the body, as if no time had passed, as if i were just sitting in a car with other people, holding a baby, as if the day were typical & i wasn't now blessed. for i surely am, for we all surely are blessed, yet lacking the full vision, the deep realization. we can only gaze upon the far shore, glowing in the distance, & sincerely intend to journey there in the fullness of time. i call You by name, Shiva, to strengthen the energy between us, to get Your attention & to propel myself forward. i am like an arrow that is already loosed from the bow-string, speeding unstoppably to You. my attention is focussed fully on You, Shiva, my dharma & my destiny, & my heart knows the deep subtle truth of it.
fifty years ago--when studying the spiritual tarot-- i used to contemplate the sun's reflection in glass & metal. at the center of the scintillating bright orb thus revealed, i would see a dark dancing figure in swift moving exultation. i would rejoice that a divine being was graciously present, which my heart would tell me by the warmth of its joyous quickening. now i know that it was You, Shiva, touching my heart yet again, keeping in touch. in this way, small events & insights were building a foundation deep within me, preparing me for You, as the bride is prepared for the auspicious advent of her wedding day. much time, preparation & cultivation has gone by since then. i have honored You in my heart for years now. my wedding dress hangs ready in the closet & i await You, Shiva, every day. the heart is filled with longing & the mind echoes with Your mantra. OM NAMAH SHIVAYA
i see that maya's way is to draw us into situations whereby strands of our connective energy are hooked & woven into it. many dramas will seek to involve us: family, national, global, plus hidden inner conflicts & struggles when all else is calm. it is unavoidable in the world of form. i notice this strongly now, being elderly & disabled & thus having less abundant energy. each cause that i feel called to champion, every imbalance or injustice i seek to ameliorate draws an energy thread to connect to it. thus i'm woven into the sociocultural web & am supporting its constructs with my prana & focussed intentions. hence i become mindful indeed of where i want my energy to flow. having less available energy, i must put it into what i most prioritize. Shiva, what efficiency You show to demonstrate maya & to teach me to cut the ties to that which serves me not! all that has been generationally established calls urgently for participation. family values, national priorities, social-enculturation: they all sing their majority-approved alluring siren songs. refusal is frowned upon: there is always a price to pay for freedom & mindfulness, yet it becomes necessary in time. You encourage & support awareness, dispassion & kindness, Shiva. Your voice eventually becomes more magnetic & powerful than maya as i travel on this journey with You. even negative events can serve a positive purpose by training the mind to be a detached observer. such clear vision can expand to reveal the pattern that eventually shows itself to be serving growth. understanding this, i no longer turn my back on Your guidance, Shiva. my heart goes out to You, blends with You in fact. all this reduces the attraction of maya. may we choose with care & may we be willing to pay the price of our choice. remaining in thoughtless thrall to maya will exact its own price, even as Shiva extracts His. i choose You, Shiva, & i willingly pay Your price, for maya is but a dream, empty & temporary. You, Shiva, are constant & You touch my heart with Your pure, holy love. i turn my back on the shadow-show of maya to embrace You, Shiva. i rest in You & take refuge.
when i look at my earlier life, it is as if i can see a broken mirror that has been pieced together & glued upon a firm surface. this, my earthly identity, is the broken mirror, flawed, fragmented & in pieces. You, Shiva, are the firm surface that holds all the broken pieces together, steadily present in the background of awareness as i do my duties. here in this maya of jagat, in the midst of all the shattered & fractured illusions & dreams, You are that companion who holds firm to dharma for the well-being of us all. You help to make the vision clear before us, that we may see ourselves endlessly held together & bound through divine compassion & bold wisdom. the patterns made by the cracks in the mirror are but a needed part of the story. everything has a story to tell, like the wrinkles on an elderly face or the scars upon a body. oh my Beloved, You upon Whom my earthly life depends, Who reveal my true identity to me: Your name is on my lips. ah Shiva, my Shiva! the sweetness of Your name melts upon my tongue like warm honey & fills the heart with bliss. You are my very ground of being, my oxygen & water, & i say Your name as tonic for the healing of us all: OM NAMAH SHIVAYA! this broken mirror shines with Your holy light, Shiva, my Shiva!
the daily happenings around me are the distractions that delay going deep within to commune with You, Shiva. life in this earthly world is focussed upon outer events. You call me away from that to journey within my inner world to the wellspring of awareness. thus i must turn my back on the social demands of the outer world. i must find that internal source from which awareness arises & flows & i must remain with that, returning always to the central knowing that "i am", even in the midst of harsh discord & downfall. Shiva, i am asking for Your help, asking You to have no mercy toward my dullness & density, my declining ability & errors of thought. hold me close & repair the damage. hold me close & bless the shy & tender, the pure & innocent deep, deep within. hold me close to You & please help me to know that You see through these eyes; You hear through these ears & You live in this world as You function through me. hold me through the soul's dark night & hold me through my own & all others' ignorant stumbling towards the promise of light. i can no longer endure the dead weight of the darkness in this world's long struggle lightwards. yet of course i must. the work is before me, as You have given, & i continue on here in this eternal now. even as i rest against You, even as You hold me & i press against You so hard & deep that only You remain, this existence does continue on. i live in You & You live through me, as me. I press my lips to Yours & You speak through me, carrying me forward beyond the distractions of the world into Your body of bliss. I thank You for Your mercy.
i am floating in the night sky, a cloud in the moonlight. i have no fingers for grasping & securing, no feet for running & jumping. i have no eyes to see appearances, no mouth to speak of myself. the mind is awed by the cascading torrents of stars & disappears into silence. it's consumed by stars & silence & the rolling flow of currents of electromagnetic energy swirling up from the earth & down from mysteries invisible, unknown & unseen. the moon's gravitational field gently enfolds me as i float high in the nighttime sky, a cloud in the soft moonlight; yet i am neither deaf nor blind, merely immensely detached. perhaps my form may appear as human at times, but i would rather be a cloud soaring above earth, looking into the arcane depths of deep space where dark matter, quasars & galaxies are clumped thickly like glitter on black velvet. it's peaceful to cease being human for a little while & just to be a cloud floating in the night sky in the moonlight. it's hard to hurt a cloud. they do not bleed or complain & they mind their own business. as cloud or human, i'm an innocent expression of Shiva, who lives in every atom & holds all form together & sometimes lets it fall apart. i rest in Shiva & float where He flows, like a leaf carried by the river or a cloud in the depths of the nighttime sky. it's good that being in a human body is not a full time job!