sometimes i am a garden lying fallow after harvest, stripped of my nourishing abundance. my leaves are brown & crisp, stalks & stems are brittle & broken, scattered on the resting earth as a testament to blessings given generously. i can breathe into the earth even when i cannot reach for the shining sky, so i go deep, deep down past the spent dry roots. i sleep, forgetful of bright springtime & sun, returning the physical substance to its origin. i dream. i dream of You, Shiva, Who planted me here & cultivated my pure essence & reaped my natural bounty. it has emerged from tiny hard seeds hidden in the darkness of the ground, & grown to lift many arms & hands up to praise the sun & honor the moon. it has been glorious, & i thank You, Shiva, as i release the firm form into the cool darkness & soft dust of the waiting earth. lying fallow is also part of the process that yields the next abundant harvest in its own time. hold me, Shiva. hold me as i rest quietly without care, dreaming of formlessness & freedom from this human dharma.
it is as if i have been granted access to a dimension previously unknown to me. evening enfolds, & the other residents are in bed as the mind's silence now invites peace to embrace. i relax in my recliner, contemplating the soft surrounding space stretching above me & all around. my eyes lose their concrete focus & widen into the shifting shadow & light of the dancing air. it is as if the focus of my eyes has adjusted to a more rarified realm. i can no longer separate the vision of the physical eye from the mind's eye. gradually i become aware of two vague beings on either side of me. i slowly understand that they are benefactors, healers, & that i am one of their charges. we communicate wordlessly as they share their healing energy, which i accept, leaning back in my recliner. i come to understand that this interpenetrating higher dimension is always present, freely offering access to uplifting energies. my own vibratory rate has apparently quickened enough now to allow contact. this information flows into me to comfort with pure intent. all is warmly radiant with the light of truth & the fragrance of cosmic love interpenetrates everything. i relax into the healing blessing of this new frequency. awareness has deepened & expanded to include so much more! even after the passage of time back here in this world of flesh, blood & bone, i can feel the benevolent subtle presence of this more refined vibratory realm, a place of healing indeed! thank you for the warm encouragement, Shiva! i am heartened & energized to continue on, for i have now experienced that which was previously known through the intellect alone. though that is is not my goal, Shiva, it stands as a marker on the path of return to You, who are the focus of my attention. You alone dwell in my heart, which now sings Om Namah Shivaya!
i was talking casually with my friend claire, glancing at her, when suddenly You flash out of her eyes & into me by way of the eye. there is no time. there is only a vast, inclusive, infinite belonging & melting oneness. intelligent life leaps & dances forth, sweeps me into sweetness beyond compare. it is all i have ever longed for & it enters me fully. it is me. i am That. yes! my heart knows the wordless truth of it. & i blink & return back to the conversation with my friend. meanwhile, no time has passed &, for her, nothing at all has happened. i didn't know You by name then, Shiva, yet i am wedded to You & have been since i was 13, a chosen child bride promised to a vast warm being of power, capable of anything. that is Your nature, Shiva, & my nature is to be with You. a few months pass. i am a passenger in a car, holding my infant daughter in my arms. i look into her eyes & again, Shiva, You join with me through the portal of the eye of my child. this merging has no words & no story, only blissful love & infinite sweetness beyond slow clumsy words or comprehension. it is from the far distant realm of my heart's true ancestral home. & i blink, back in the body, as if no time had passed, as if i were just sitting in a car with other people, holding a baby, as if the day were typical & i wasn't now blessed. for i surely am, for we all surely are blessed, yet lacking the full vision, the deep realization. we can only gaze upon the far shore, glowing in the distance, & sincerely intend to journey there in the fullness of time. i call You by name, Shiva, to strengthen the energy between us, to get Your attention & to propel myself forward. i am like an arrow that is already loosed from the bow-string, speeding unstoppably to You. my attention is focussed fully on You, Shiva, my dharma & my destiny, & my heart knows the deep subtle truth of it.
fifty years ago--when studying the spiritual tarot-- i used to contemplate the sun's reflection in glass & metal. at the center of the scintillating bright orb thus revealed, i would see a dark dancing figure in swift moving exultation. i would rejoice that a divine being was graciously present, which my heart would tell me by the warmth of its joyous quickening. now i know that it was You, Shiva, touching my heart yet again, keeping in touch. in this way, small events & insights were building a foundation deep within me, preparing me for You, as the bride is prepared for the auspicious advent of her wedding day. much time, preparation & cultivation has gone by since then. i have honored You in my heart for years now. my wedding dress hangs ready in the closet & i await You, Shiva, every day. the heart is filled with longing & the mind echoes with Your mantra. OM NAMAH SHIVAYA
i see that maya's way is to draw us into situations whereby strands of our connective energy are hooked & woven into it. many dramas will seek to involve us: family, national, global, plus hidden inner conflicts & struggles when all else is calm. it is unavoidable in the world of form. i notice this strongly now, being elderly & disabled & thus having less abundant energy. each cause that i feel called to champion, every imbalance or injustice i seek to ameliorate draws an energy thread to connect to it. thus i'm woven into the sociocultural web & am supporting its constructs with my prana & focussed intentions. hence i become mindful indeed of where i want my energy to flow. having less available energy, i must put it into what i most prioritize. Shiva, what efficiency You show to demonstrate maya & to teach me to cut the ties to that which serves me not! all that has been generationally established calls urgently for participation. family values, national priorities, social-enculturation: they all sing their majority-approved alluring siren songs. refusal is frowned upon: there is always a price to pay for freedom & mindfulness, yet it becomes necessary in time. You encourage & support awareness, dispassion & kindness, Shiva. Your voice eventually becomes more magnetic & powerful than maya as i travel on this journey with You. even negative events can serve a positive purpose by training the mind to be a detached observer. such clear vision can expand to reveal the pattern that eventually shows itself to be serving growth. understanding this, i no longer turn my back on Your guidance, Shiva. my heart goes out to You, blends with You in fact. all this reduces the attraction of maya. may we choose with care & may we be willing to pay the price of our choice. remaining in thoughtless thrall to maya will exact its own price, even as Shiva extracts His. i choose You, Shiva, & i willingly pay Your price, for maya is but a dream, empty & temporary. You, Shiva, are constant & You touch my heart with Your pure, holy love. i turn my back on the shadow-show of maya to embrace You, Shiva. i rest in You & take refuge.
when i look at my earlier life, it is as if i can see a broken mirror that has been pieced together & glued upon a firm surface. this, my earthly identity, is the broken mirror, flawed, fragmented & in pieces. You, Shiva, are the firm surface that holds all the broken pieces together, steadily present in the background of awareness as i do my duties. here in this maya of jagat, in the midst of all the shattered & fractured illusions & dreams, You are that companion who holds firm to dharma for the well-being of us all. You help to make the vision clear before us, that we may see ourselves endlessly held together & bound through divine compassion & bold wisdom. the patterns made by the cracks in the mirror are but a needed part of the story. everything has a story to tell, like the wrinkles on an elderly face or the scars upon a body. oh my Beloved, You upon Whom my earthly life depends, Who reveal my true identity to me: Your name is on my lips. ah Shiva, my Shiva! the sweetness of Your name melts upon my tongue like warm honey & fills the heart with bliss. You are my very ground of being, my oxygen & water, & i say Your name as tonic for the healing of us all: OM NAMAH SHIVAYA! this broken mirror shines with Your holy light, Shiva, my Shiva!