Shiva, i have been following Your instructions to review my life from the mature perspective that sees a long lifetime of patterns & events. i am to release the stories from all who have offered their opinions of me throughout this life. i am to let go of my conclusions based on hearsay & social pressure to follow a script. i am to welcome those events that light up with meaning & life & a quickened spring in my step. i am to honor my dreamtime intuition & to notice hints & clues left in my night dreams. i am to respect all that warms & lights me up, all the playful creativity expressing like sudden patches of wild violets tempting from the beaten path of well-trod obedience. i am to recompose my current life story now that i see the patterns of the old version. all those characters are dead or far away now & i am free of the weight of the burden they unknowingly placed upon my shoulders & mind. there are none to convince, none to resist either. only i know my story, as You also do because You are teaching me how to see it now & know it as my genuine experience through the healing power of poetry & prose. I have been following Your instructions, Shiva, mellowing into age & gaining depth & peace.
a quick storm blows in, rolling & flashing through the huddled mountains in the springtime afternoon, churning & darkening the sky slowly to slate. i stand outside watching an orb move through the fallow field, appearing as bright as a firefly at first, yet nearing & becoming obviously much larger & more amazing, weaving from side to side in serpentine fashion: a ball of fire the size of a human heart meanders up the ragged field, gliding freely like a sentient being exploring a new place, lingering, then speeding on, alive! You! it is You, Shiva, touching my life again, sending wonders to me like tender love letters! You hover two meters up in the air now, the mountain before you watching through many eyes. All existence seems to take a breath, full & still, waiting for a message, a resolution. You, a magical intelligence from an unknown realm, are spearing me with astonishment as You turn & glide back & forth down the field the way You came, curving smoothly through the charged air. bright & buoyant, radiating Your presence, You pause for a timeless moment, a quiet instant. i am caught up in the pure wonder of Your livingness as You are poised in the lucent air. suddenly, as if a decision is made, You swiftly cut through the air, move away from me, & plunge into the woods on the far side, returning into the mystery, departing here. i am hanging off the cliff of my amazement, feeling something hard crack open deep inside, feeling the pulsing powerful wholeness of You pulling me from my makeshift shelter of words & plans & desires & lists & laundry & cooking & that necessary car maintenance. oh Shiva! You know how to split & splinter my careful house of scheduled events into scrap! a few days later i follow Your path through the trees: i know that You are not done with me yet. a recently fallen old tree lays in a clearing by the creek, offers a log to sit on. i meditate there for hours by the water, downloading the message that You have left for me, feeling the key of it fit into the keyhole of the lock i didn't know was on my heart, sensing You seat Yourself there centrally. You have come to remind me that I am vowed to You & all else is my field of service & cannot replace You as primary & focal. without You my life is scattered dust & ashes, grey & choking, smothering fragile new growth. with You all takes on a magical aura of wordless communication, hyperreal. Shiva, You are my primal addiction & without You i quietly suffer & sicken. You are the essence of life & the body & personality serve You honorably. You are the indwelling life that gives form its allure. i seek You & release focus on form. Thank You for the gift of knowing Your name & the ability to recognize Your presence!
i see evidence of You here in my life. just as i see the small unfurling green leaves & know that springtime is surely very near, so do i register Your holy presence. there are no proper words, yet there is blessing, there is the unfolding of a precious truth nourishing the heart within the outer heart. when i say Your name, You approach me closely. i don't see You, yet i declare Your presence. i don't hear You, yet we talk every day. i would give up the world before i would lose You. without Your presence, the world is like cardboard. Shiva! You are the life within the body; You are why there is a body here at all! thus do i register Your holy presence.
to me You have no form, though i love the forms ascribed to You. You are essence, presence, numinous energy signature. You are within me as i move in the vast ocean of You. You signal to me through clouds & i reply in semaphore. my whole life is a semaphore, an action-adventure play designed to get Your attention, to call You to see my need. i tire of action & searching & i turn within to rest. so it is that in the calm of this silence, You come to me. You come. You come like the breeze, like dew at dawn, like the stars emerging out of nothingness into somethingness, calling out my name. You wrap around me as if skin, & i breathe You like the air until i grow bright as the crescent moon shining in Your hair, placed in the darkness of Your hair, no longer able to speak, silently rejoicing in You who are hidden in all forms. You are essence & presence, evoking deep recognition. You call Your own & i respond, fighting through forgetfulness. i continually move forward, slowly & steadily. Your energy is my primal imprint, marking me for You. i am Your agent of transformation coming home to You.