i go through it again: the loss, the pain, the suffering & loneliness.
again i cleave to You & give it all to You -- it's all i have to give!
there is nothing to offer but the heaviness of the occluding flesh
& the memorized stories about how it came to be the way it is.
they are worn thin at the edges, ragged & smeared with multiple corrections.
every day i throw them away again but they crawl back in the dark night.
yet fewer words are there & the manuscript is thinner now over time,
after these years of turning my back & resolutely walking away.
oh Shiva! this is a hard lesson, all this emptiness & loneliness!
it has held me down & had its ruthless way with me long enough indeed!
You help me see the old eroding patterns to leave them. You guide me home.
You come back for me relentlessly, You reach to me as i reach to You.
i walked the cold solitary halls of separation & division
& i'm headed for the door, Shiva, walking onward to full disclosure,
where we share sweet infinite kindness & love without a word or a thought,
& nothing stands in opposition or defense to the purity of love.
for aeons uncounted You have abided.
for aeons uncounted i have sought You
through the denseness of the concealing flesh,
through the dark of the awakening heart.
this is the time of our fated meeting,
the union of soul & spirit confirmed.
the world shivers in anticipation
of this grand cosmic union, long foretold.
the soul has proclaimed this primal vision
to the stuttering, stumbling slow mind
who carefully counts the syllables
of a poem on the fingers of both hands.
now the poem has emerged from the pen,
spilling out upon this clean white paper.
in this very manner continents shift
& cosmic patterns align in the sky.
for uncounted aeons we glide in dance,
turning again through the stars & the dust,
trailing the veil which no longer conceals
the bright light of the awakening heart.
the meat rides heavy on the weary bones,
all motion slow as if underwater,
information lethargically flowing
into the dense-packed laboring cells
of the brain with which the heart has lost touch.
the heart no longer reaches very far,
the weight is too oppressive for movement.
the meat rides heavy on the weary bones.
some unrelenting force of gravity
discourages lively exploration.
only the known & familiar patterns
are permitted to pass through to action.
the mouth & brain coordinate in stealth
like fingers pointing to the racing moon.
ah, Shiva! i will search more carefully
for Your hidden messages of good cheer
leading me home to Your divine essence.
i am struggling through this mess now, Shiva,
tangled & caught in ancient protocols.
the meat rides heavy on the weary bones
yet You are the dispelling force, Shiva.
i call to You: om namah Shivaya!
when a flower falls from its mother plant
before my own eyes, i know that it is
now offering itself for my altar
to Shiva, the one who fills my life full.
i myself have fallen into this world
& cannot stop from calling out His name,
for thus has He touched me & changed my life.
His names are many, His presence is One.
Shiva, i am here to talk to You & to stay focussed on Your wavelength
rather than to drift within the drama which i see dancing around me.
i see the cracking everywhere, the evidence of a dying age.
even beyond the human ferment i register the shifting aeons,
the mysterious powers that ebb & flow in the wild daily display.
Shiva, i am here to talk to You & to stay focussed on Your wavelength,
to look for Your hidden loving touch of presence, expressing tenderly,
rather than to fashion socially accepted scripts, repeating daily.
i come, appearing as this body-personality, offering it all.
i come to You raw, unfinished & coming apart, yet yearning for You.
This is the record of my sadhana, which gifts You with my total sum.
You come into my life like sudden lightning,
a flashing crash that shifts earth on her axis,
a meteor, a vast dancing aurora,
sunrise over a new continent rising
from the ocean beneath a flaming comet.
the old ways are gone in this bright burning dawn.
here a new realm awaits, mystery invites.
mist rises up from a rushing waterfall,
surrounding me in cool starlight sprinkled fog,
soaking my innermost hidden dark places,
urging new green sprouts to push up into the
irresistibly enfolding light of You.
now i understand why flowers must blossom.
sometimes You are bright like a diamond in sun
& i can be dark like night, deep & moist.
this is what the dance now appears to present,
yet always there is new life coming forward
through the union, untold possibilities
awaiting their time to come upon the stage.
"welcome, my children," we greet them together.
the sky knows the curved arc of Your arrival,
sweeping in swiftly at the midheaven's height.
the earth knows the impact of Your arrival,
spreading in long slow waves out from the center
in familiar pattern of quickening life.
the sky knows the curved arc of Your arrival.
You come from far beyond sky, i awaiting.
the heart is awakened & receptive now,
the energy focussed, the urgency known
in this quickstep dance pattern of creation,
in an ever-rising rate of vibration.
there's an emptiness i will not look at again,
a hidden hole i will not fall into this time.
day dissolves into night, turns into weeks & months.
all softens & shifts in the blue melting distance
& i cling to You now. i cannot do this alone.
but with You it can finally be accomplished.
You can do all that i am unable to do.
just be here with me & keep me company
while this great transformation rages in us all.
Shiva, Your cool rain is a sweet benediction,
healing & soothing the raw edges of the heart.
comfort me with rainbows, lift me upon Your clouds.
i would float upon Your love, myself a blessing.
the world is my field of dharmic group service now,
yet You are my center & i hold fast to You.
although i bend beneath the hard weight of this life,
i do not fall nor do i neglect my duties.
not by any virtue of mine, but through You alone
is the work done, & the fruits of work go where You
determine in Your mysterious, profound way.
all is done by You, beyond human mind & heart.
it is done by You & i am Your agent here
on this blue planet which, itself, struggles toward
a greater life in this primal cosmic cycle,
time after time, aeon upon aeon, onward.
we humans are Your transforming agents, Shiva,
created, formed & born for Your service & grace.
looking through the cosmic lens, i can see how we
are the outreach of a vast emanating source.
thus do i celebrate this opportunity
to praise You, yearning to return to Your wholeness,
resting in the cool downpour of Your cleansing rain.
this dream so grips us that we do not see
we are insubstantial wisps of smoke & bone,
blurred reflections in a dusty mirror.
ah, the beauty of the shifting colors,
the subtle hint of light & shadow glimpsed
beyond the swift moving montage of form!
this dream of maya invokes the senses
with the bright promise of fulfilled desire.
here, rainbows are mystic stringed instruments
in the hands of the heavenly devas.
ah! the beauty of the shifting colors,
swirling in that sweet varied melody!
the dream glows before us enticingly,
enchanting in this lengthy human sleep.
yet i do awaken from the dream's spell
resuming my firm stance, cleaving to You
in sincere sadhana & devotion
far beyond the dream's enticing allure,
to blend my heart & mind with You, Shiva.
again i persevere in Your service
as i have vowed, & so i do remain.
i will stand steadfast with You, dear Shiva,
upon the skyclad heights of Mount Kailash.
You cannot enter me in Your full potency
for blood & bone are too dense to hold the fullness
& intensity of Your vast power & light.
yet i do sincerely invite You nonetheless.
whether i live or am altogether destroyed
is an empty thought from an old collective dream.
i awaken now. i hear Your resounding call
& seek with all my heart to follow it to You.
no matter what the outcome may be, i am Yours.
we are born of the earth & quickened by sun.
humanity is the planet's sadhana,
embodying its divine evolution.
we blunder our way toward kindness & light
as the systemic cycles of growth circle
& turn through vast cosmic dance steps, moving &
spinning out inexplicably strange blessings.
humanity is the planet's sadhana.
we blunder our way toward kindness & light,
irresistibly on the upward spiral.