i missed our tryst this morning. my mala lays cold, untouched. the heart stutters in sorrow, the mind shrinks back in dismay. i call to You in longing, confess my unconsciousness. Shiva! the world dragged me off to myriad diversions & i forgot! i forgot that i am betrothed, in love, that i am pledged to You now. i missed our tryst this morning. i turned my back on our love, lost in this transient world, forgetting my vow, unstrung like a broken old guitar that yearns for music again. i missed our tryst this morning yet now i am here, renewed, mala held close to my heart, Your sweet love cleansing my soul, patiently calling me home.
in the hot desert aridity, in the whipping cold wind of the plains, in the darkness & in the sunlight, You are present, Shiva, You are here. i sometimes forget, oh, i forget! You do not forget me, not ever! i reach back in my mind through the years to the young girl who sought her true self. i call out encouragement to her. i tell her that the story ends well, that it is good to be curious, to question, to search & inquire, that she really is completely loved. You, Lord Shiva, do the same for me. You keep sending messages of love. my scrapbooks are filled with evidence of Your presence, power and grace. soon i will put down my storybook & look You in the face & thank You.
i thought that i was done, that my dharma was fulfilled, that i could withdraw from climbing yet another hill. You sent me an angel -- You got my full attention. i will not turn away from divine intervention! partners with my angel, we repeat Your holy name. we celebrate You daily, adding fuel to Your flame.
i look upon the patchwork of my life to find that You are the stitching that holds the many pieces together. You have revealed the symmetry that this woman's life has formed over time. the random struggles & failings were sincere efforts at understanding what i could offer to this world. the pattern comes clear over all this time. with distance, the patchwork pattern resolves into a beautiful design -- it shows Your face, my Lord Shiva, as You enfold me close, next to Your heart, & everything makes sense at last!
i stand with You as together we review the years of my life. You show me the times -- so many! -- that You reached Your hand out to me. i did not see! i did not know! i was hypnotized, lost & blind as i wandered in search of You, finally feeling abandoned, concluding that i was alone. i was not alone. You were there. i rejoice that i know it now. You fill up my heart from within -- You are the heat & the movement of the urgent body & mind. You embrace me now from within, fill the space between all the cells. i am contained & surrounded, my heart is surrendered to You. You are by my side constantly, whispering Your encouragement.
this world of change, fast flowing in constant activity, swirls me into the current, spins me around & around. this realm is not my real home, not where i want to remain. i am with You, Lord Shiva, i am holding on to Your hand as You walk along with me through this mirrored labyrinth of language & sensation. my feet slip from under me but i am holding Your hand & am secure in Your grace. i will not release my grip upon You, my Lord Shiva! You are all that i desire -- You hold me, You hold me close!
You have placed me in the fire before -- this is not the first time, Beloved. Many join me -- we are a bonfire! we are all so brightly burning now that the fire can be seen from space. this is a good time to get lighter, to be burned clean of impurity, to discover how shiny we are beneath the blackening of surface slowly taking place in our world now. arrogance is consumed in this blaze as it rages in global cleansing. Your fire burns pure, my Beloved -- i give myself to You willingly -- my life has always been Yours to use. may this burning-ground be a blessing in the big picture we can't see yet. Lord Shiva, dance Your tandava now! dance us into global renewal!
You were the light that cast no shadow as You approached me from mystery. You entered me in my reverie, in my deep dreams & in my visions. i found messages from You in books & in the cloud-crowded windswept sky. You peopled my life with emissaries & repeatedly gave Your blessings for my emergence from chrysalis. i was shifting into something else, leaving words behind in soft silence, floating in unknowingness, yielded. when i was free of all covering, tender & pale & new in this form, You approached in compassionate care. You touched my damp wings & they opened, & enraptured i glided to You, freed from the restraints of the old form, inadequate to receive Your grace. i was shadow & You are the light, i am the dream dissolving in You. You alone are my life & my truth -- all else falls away, unmourned, unmissed.
a great bird glides across the zenith of the sky, dips a wing in salute, circling over my head. i know that it is You -- Lord Shiva, it is You! the cool wind is stroking my wide-eyed lifted face & it suddenly shifts, touches warm & gentle, lingering on my cheek. i know that it is You -- Lord Shiva, it is You! the heart pumps faithfully, steadily, in my chest, cycling blood & love through my yearning body to bless me with this life. i know that it is You -- Lord Shiva, it is You! i know that You are here, winking at me daily. we share a private joke. again You light my smile for You are here with me. I know that it is You -- Lord Shiva, it is You!
the mountain proclaims how to live in this world: "be strong, endure, stand tall & reach to the sun in adoration." the tree whispers soft how to live in this world: "lift up into the light, plunge into the earth. share it all freely. give yourself endlessly & generously." the flower declares how to live in this world: "seek the light & drink from the sweet moist earth. unfold your splendor in passionate color & fragrant essence." the bird calls to me how to live in this world: "sing deeply from the heart in jubilation. cast yourself into the embrace of the wind -- go where it takes you with calm acceptance." these noble beings (my teachers & gurus) channel my Lord Shiva in their purity. thus i honor them. i bow to them. i bow.
i feel the train coming before i see it. thunder underground! earth trembles below feet. standing delighted near the side of the track i see the train coming. oh, the light & sound! the great nearing arrow! yes! straight to the heart! as the train rumbles by in a swift sweeping wind, the engineer waves. You are saying hello. i know it is You. who else but Lord Shiva would target my heart?
i dwell in a realm of endless mirrors, i myself a dream, writing a poem about a woman who sees that the world is a dream & she now writes a poem about this event. and next, Lord Shiva wakes me up with a bang & a shake & a warm hearty laugh. He takes hold of me & opens my eyes -- & i am at home, at home, at home now in Lord Shiva's arms.
we are the people of flesh & smoke, children of the dream, shaping our hands into alphabets for those who cannot hear. we cannot hear! we are the people of blood & bone, gathering our food, protecting it with swords, hands & words, urged on by our desire. we are hungry! we are the people of mist & fog who rise & dissolve-- invisible-- as the sun drinks up the water of our lives. we are fleeting! we are the people who rise & fall, a luminous rain to soak the soil with blood & blessing, turning & returning. we rise & fall! we are smoke & mist, drifting in dream in this reverie, lovely maya, sweetly inviting, shadows urged to action. we are so dazed! our hands form the shape of the word "love". our hearts demand this. love gives itself, offers a place to stand even in this dream. although our blossoms fade, we are fragrant!