when i could not

i looked through the eyes of the damned,
i looked through the eyes of the cursed.
i wallowed in sorrow & smut,
swallowed by dark ruminations
that laid me down flat like roadkill.
yet still Lord Shiva approached me,
He opened His circle to me.
i turned away, my face covered,
& hid in the shadows of shame.

He gave me full rein to destroy
so i tore the script of the world,
shredded the judgements of others,
moved from the careful & cautious,
plunged into the mystery bright.
it burned away the deep darkness.
it left me with nothing to hide.

He came like a storm in springtime.
i lay spread like dry earth below.
He was the downpour that drenched me
& pulled out the sprout from the seed.
He opened His arms, He claimed me,
He held me like music & art.

I am His drum, His brush & paint,
i am His words, His wordlessness.
i now celebrate Lord Shiva,
Who took me in & judged me not
& cared for me when i could not.


Author: swadharma9

i am 81, living in a nursing home and deepening my spiritual life as is appropriate as one ages. i am a student of the Sanatana Dharma and a devotee of Lord Shiva.

4 thoughts on “when i could not”

  1. When I read you, I am reminded of someone from a different faith and yet who found her love in her love of God. I think of Santa Teresa de Avila, a Catholic Saint from Spain in the 1500’s. She once said:

    “He pierced me with an arrow
    dipped in enamoring herbs,
    and my soul became
    one with her Creator.
    Now I want no other love,
    for I have surrendered myself to God.
    My Beloved is all for me
    and I am all for my Beloved.”

    Anyway, you help us see this union that has been forged over your lifetime and it feels so true and lacking nothing else.
    I love this verse but I love them all, this one popped out for me:
    “He came like a storm in springtime.
    i lay spread like dry earth below.
    He was the downpour that drenched me
    & pulled out the sprout from the seed.
    He opened His arms, He claimed me,
    He held me like music & art.”
    I do understand the mystical union that forms when you were called for something special..and it lasted and deepened your lifetime. 🌹 You were blessed Alhamdulillah.

    Liked by 1 person

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