- to encourage anyone, anywhere, in their exploration of the spiritual path that calls to them even if others don’t understand. you are not alone.
- to inform other seekers that the regular writing of poetry about the relationship with your Deity of choice can enrich life tremendously. the same is true about painting and drawing images of the Deity of your choice. it can bring the relationship alive & facilitate deeper communion.
- to demonstrate that sincerity & devotion in this approach to the spiritual is fundamental & more essential than talent or skill in writing or art.
- to urge especially those who are in the latter years of life to deepen the focus on the nonphysical spiritual realm. poetry & art can help greatly with this.
- to express & fulfill my dedication & devotion to Shiva, who has shown me all that i have painted & written about. He began with the nonverbal intuitive paintings, continued with the verbal expressive poetry & now moves to the global cyber realm. this is my service to Shiva, the Deity of choice who guides my life. (essentially this is my sadhana journal & all the images are from my camera unless otherwise noted. all the poetry is syllabic: same number of syllables in each line.) may you be inspired & energized in your own explorations & journey! namaste!
now that i know Your name
i came to You late, Shiva, at age seventy five. although You came early to me when i was thirteen, i didn't know who You were, & i drifted elsewhere. i didn't know how to cultivate the connection, & maya simply blew me away. You came again when i was fourteen. the out of body journey that You took me on became a living seed planted deep within my memory to continue informing me as an adult. You showed me the holiness of this existence. You encouraged me with the vision of my true divine potential. You wrapped me in love. but for years i was like a blind person in a strange new room, feeling my way through unknown mysterious obstacles on my way to an equally cryptic & obscure destination. finally, when my old life is dead & gone & i huddle amidst the wreckage & the shards of the remaining scraps, finally, You come. You come in response to the collapse of my beleaguered walls, roof & foundation. You come because at last i am wide open & asking for You, calling out, even though i don't yet know Your name. my heart calls out the loudest of all, for the heart knows far more than the head alone. & behold! events transpire that bring me to You at last, & You send a helper with Your everlasting mantra: Om Namah Shivaya. gradually the blinders fall away as my sadhana deepens, & i take refuge in You via Your mantra: in You, my chosen Deity who also chose me, & did so before i knew Your name. i immerse myself in You, I throw myself off the cliff of the world into the limitless ocean of You. i paint pictures of You, write heartfelt poems to You, sing freely to You & i chant Your mantras. my room looks like a museum honoring You, & even more like a temple in full swing of celebrating Your sweet sacred presence. in fact, Shiva, You genuinely do reside here now with me & in me. You are living through me & i am drawn by You to all that can assist me to come even closer to You. actually, You take me to the consummation of my long journey to You, Shiva. now that i know Your name, we cannot be separated. we are one life & i am Your expression in the human world, as are others. it's a mystery & i only have training wheels for exploring such arcane wonders. it's all Your body anyway, just as i too am Your body. because i don't know what else to do, i throw myself upon You to know myself as one with You, vividly & purely. i won't let go. i won't stop & i won't be sidetracked. You, Shiva, are my swadharma, my destiny & fulfillment. blessed is Your name, given as medicine for all. blessed is Om Namah Shivaya.
when i was a whale
when i was a whale in the pure blue-green depths of the ocean, i would listen to the brilliant burning stars in the midnight sky singing their melodious nocturnes. the stars inspired me to respond, & that is how our vocal ensemble began. this was many kalpas before the earth took such a dense & definite form. everything was more permeable then, joined yet by etheric strands of willingness & humility. i sang with the stars in a harmony of clear crystalline tones & sonorous gut-deep moans. we would send our voices out into the ethers like a school of fish spreading out to bless & explore wondrous new realms. we were a net of consciousness in a vast ocean of love, those many long kalpas ago. when i was a whale in the pure blue-green depths of the ocean, hungry & yearning, i sang with the stars until nothing was left but sound & light. we would combine & melt together in a vast harmonic oversong that continues to resound. it is rooted in our ancestral dreamtime & even yet flourishes here, in the midst of this current deep density. Shiva, You taught the stars to sing & then they taught me, way back when i was a whale in the ancient ocean in that early version of earth. i still recall the holy magic of that great cosmic outpouring of sound, & i rejoice in it yet. memories of that age are woven deep down within the strands of dna, still resonant with that timeless euphoric blending of amicable entities. they join sea & sky in their dulcet pulsing music of light & sound, aimed like an arrow at the target of the heart. thank you for this, Shiva!
the miracle of bread
baking bread is a dance between recipe & intuition,
plus awareness of timing & process. the living organisms
of yeast must be encouraged to multiply in culinary
choreography with flour, warm water, salt, sugar & butter.
substances are combined together, dough is kneaded & given
time to rise into fullness, then is punched down to flatness, shaped &
blessed to rest in holy repose, rising again, ready to bake.
this dance is a tandava, energetic, demanding, until
heat transforms mere ingredients into the miracle of bread.
Shiva, i am those ingredients: You are the Baker of bread!
i have been combined, stirred, mixed, heated, punched down when i fully
expand, then set aside to rise again. finally, at last, the
oven's heat acts upon that which was inedible & it cooks,
releasing the fresh baked fragrance of bread, a scent pleasing to all.
the acts of mixing, punching & heating are necessary to
produce the correct result. it is no mistake. the highs & lows
come about to teach of the physical realm & to encourage
enquiry into the hidden essence of spirit & matter.
hence i use life's challenges as stepping stones to You who call me.
these "down-times" are an essential part of fully maturing as
a sensitive, receptive being. when thoughts are dull & sluggish
& i struggle upon a bleak inner plateau, it is because
influences beyond ego are triggering transformation.
changes that can't be hurried or stopped now come about on their own.
likewise, it's true that the "up-times" are also not engendered by
my choosing or willing. they too happen as part of a wholesome
natural purification, unfolding spontaneously.
this dance whirls me up & down, around & around, urging balance.
i seek to be cooperative, while remaining grounded too.
those times when i have risen enough & must be reduced again
seem to purify & diminish the ego without judgement,
merely as needful adjustment. nothing is wrong or bad, no more
than the tides of the seas or the winds in the sky. it is life in
physical form, moving, changing, rising & falling: evolving.
yet You are the Baker, Shiva. You are the Doer of deeds, hence
i ask You for guidance & support, training the mind to discern
Your hand in all events. seeing You as the Baker & myself
as the loaf of bread that You prepare is yet another way i
remind myself that i am a cell in God's body, yielding to
Your divine direction for the manifestation of goodness.
just as the aroma of fresh baked bread calls the hungry to eat,
so the fragrance of a devotee calls forth higher beings to
feast upon the sweet healing energies that You evoke from we
who love You, Shiva. thus we all support & bless one another
in a divine ecology that transcends time, space & species.
eyebrows & galaxies
"there are galaxies swirling in Your eyebrows," she remarks teasingly to Shiva, Who blesses her with His acceptance. she elaborates, "we are everywhere, like space. we blend in telepathic rapport & communion, which is dimensionless & beyond measurement. we are formless pure consciousness." she continues: "eyebrows & galaxies are artifacts of the physical plane, temporary & changing with time." she glances at Shiva & is encouraged to go on when He smiles invitingly. "both eyebrows & galaxies also have pleasing curves whose beauty hints at sattvic energy," she says, drawing a deep breath. "& they both are made of many smaller parts that constitute the whole." "i'm claiming that seeing galaxies swirling in Your eyebrows is like saying, 'You Who are formless & cosmic are also approachable here on the limited level of the physical plane.'" she nods for emphasis. "seeking You & communing with You places me in that auspicious cosmic curve too—that sattvic smile—& is like being bathed in blessings." she shyly continues, "Shiva, You radiate such sweet sattvic energy that complete good will & loving responsiveness is very natural in Your presence." she winks at Him with a smile. "& You draw the playfulness out with the warm magnetism of Your acceptance." Shiva chuckles & winks back. "if eyebrows & galaxies are so closely connected," He remarks, "you can be sure, with the right effort, to reveal that all is truly one down at the deep taproot." "You mean," she says, "that i am You & You are me & we are all together?" she grins, "you got it!" Shiva laughs, "now let's go have fun in maya's marvelous mesmerizing drama of the day!" so it goes, continues & ever begins yet again. om namah Shivaya!
like a river of sweet healing
there flows a river, cool, deep & mysterious in many places, yet shallow, clear & inviting in other locales where it broadens to tumble over smooth water-sculpted stones. the river shelters, on her wild pebbled shores, secret sites of profound quiet communion with companionable energies. hidden realms of vague otherworldly ambiances flirt with the edge of my vision, subtly enticing. these are my favorite places. Here, i can be raptly immersed in sacred primal natural healing. the sun & sky, trees, water, stones: they speak in tactile messages to the old lizard living at the back of the animal brain. all of these peaceful blessed beings croon tuneful comforting ageless mantras to the body's very bones. trees softly murmur their undertone counterpoint, & the breath gently adds its own quiet rhythm to the chorus. the river harmonizes with her liquid burbling melody. lying on the rounded river stones by the slow-flowing water, i let go, relax & join the flow. breathing & being, i merge into the entirety of it all for an allotted eternity, until the mind comes nibbling at my fingertips, pushing me to pick up my pen & find words to share. both nature & the mind are active, prolific, wanting to reach out, wanting to exclaim, "look! see the holiness, behold the divine hand ever reaching out to us, blessing." i look, see & listen deeply, holding it all cupped fast in the depths of my innermost chamber for Your blessing, Shiva, You who are the Lord of all tender living things. i am Your innocent little child, Shiva, holding out my pretties so that You, too, can enjoy the glory of their wonder & beauty. nature does this to me: erases the thin clear veneer of subtle separation that goes with civilization, education & enculturation. nature rises up within the body, urging the crimson flower of the heart to spread its petals wide & soak up the light of cosmic love pouring down like a river of sweet healing.
the fire of flaming truth
i am not the body-personality nor am i the author of the actions of that physical being. i am the observing awareness, the indwelling presence ever abiding beyond thought, who calmly witnesses. that which is done through the body's agency, because of the influence of the personality, belongs to that entity alone. it is not mine. i am the pure bright awareness enlivening the body: truly, i am not of the body. i am ever free, ever stainless, like a cloud in the sky, like space itself, just present, offering no resistance & no attachment. now i am standing on the threshold between body-personality & observing awareness. in daily life both flow with the evolving events of the moment. yet the body-personality has many ups & downs, whereas the awareness remains clear & steady, unattached to the outcome. this is what i contemplate in sadhana, Shiva. i currently am a fluctuating amalgam of spirit & matter. it's like that tremulous moment when the butterfly realizes that she is in the chrysalis & can remotely sense her wings slowly developing, but she herself is yet vulnerable & powerless to act. nor is it needful, for creation is unfolding & happening naturally, by itself, for all of us. ah Shiva! this sadhana is on-going, a way of life, & i am quite fundamentally drawn to it, attracted like the moth to her fulfillment in the fire of flaming truth. i am witness to the blazing conflagration.
look beyond the body
we are vulnerable to the human world when we identify with the body & desire specific outcomes. without the body, how can we suffer or have problems? discomfort has its roots in the body & its artifact, the mind. all memory & body-based experience belongs to the physical domain & is in fact temporary, coming & going according to circumstances. i can find only one realm in life that remains constant & steady in the midst of this churning flow of change: the knowing that i exist. for the body-personality, this "i am" is akin to the universal vibration of OM. it's like a cosmic building block, the basis of causality & creativity. "i am" is a doorway accessing the subtle realm, a way out of attachment. these deep thoughts are given to us as keys for opening alternate realms through a change of focus, which helps us look beyond the body & the outer world for stability & truth. You gave me this download, Shiva. You showed this to me & i have truly taken it to heart. i firmly commit to following the "i am" to its sacred source, journeying with You, Shiva, for which i feel blessed & deeply grateful.
protons, neutrons & electrons
whenever we love & our hearts overflow with warmly inclusive feelings of gratitude & affection, the universe pours itself into us, for love gets noticed. love attracts & unifies, blessing sincere effort to evolve, releasing the vulgar & immature for later ripening. when love becomes personified, at that point the human adventure begins: the seeking, searching & desiring, the finding, having & losing. love doesn't mind the repetition of the endless old pattern, for love is always waiting at the end of it all. we can't go wrong. we were born out of love into love & love is silently waiting for us to fall into it after all. love is only one of Shiva's numberless names. my name & your name are His names too. there is no escaping causeless transcendental love, for it is the numinous foundation, the basic building block of matter, supporting all the little protons, neutrons & electrons. we can turn away from love, but where shall we turn? where to hide ourselves? turning our backs on love does nothing to love, but it sets us apart like steel bars & stone walls! may Shiva's blessing of loving awareness purify & cleanse our hearts through His grace. in that grace, all suffering is dissolved & the shining underlying wholeness is then revealed.
the gates’ saturn way station & space refinery
that's the name that my final husband, bill, & i called our home to the various friends, family & wanderers who came our way over the years. we were the gates family, & we named our home "way station" to indicate that it was a place to rest while on a long journey. some came & left quickly, while others became a good part of our lives for ages. all were teachers of various kinds, & we also shared all that we could with them of positive world views & lessons we learned. we included the planet "saturn" in our home name, for he is the task master & way shower, the wise companion of our elderhood. thrift & discipline as a way of life were acceptable to us: we learned from everyone & everything, intending good will to all. we named our home "space refinery" because we so cherished the deep philosophical discussions & spiritual musings that we often enjoyed with other people. we felt that we contributed positively to the planetary noosphere in this small way. for more than forty years bill & i held this vision dear to our hearts, & manifested it in our lives. even here in this nursing home, we held fast to a positive vision & ideal, glad that we were able to remain at least under the same roof until death did part us physically. we are still together in the space refinery though, for it is nonphysical in its essence. the subtle inner work continues onward, only briefly interrupted after all. such has been Your influence on me, Shiva, silently guiding me through the years, refining the best in me to a realm of purity i could not imagine in my younger years of untried ignorance. saturn is another teacher in Your cosmic university. the gates' saturn way station & space refinery was just one small classroom in Your vast cosmic university, one among many. ah Shiva, so we move into the evolving energies of now, as i plunge wholly into You: the gates' saturn way station & space refinery merges fully into the infinite unknown in sacred solemn trust in You. You take this awareness far beyond the human & temporal into my true home in You, as You. just as the planet is one with the solar system, & the solar system is one with the galaxy, so am i also one with You, Shiva. i rest in You, never to be parted, for the body's death is but the opening of the door for me finally to come home to You.
the heart knows this
what do i seek out, time & again? what does my heart compel me to search for? not money, fame or possessions. not status, land or followers: i turn my back on those. what calls me? i face into the rising sun, a fragrant red rosebush at my side, the sweet song of a wood thrush soaring up from the nearby grove of tall oak trees. nature comes closest to what i seek, & has helped to pass the time. once i thought it was companionship with accepting people, but that human realm is replete with shifting alliances, & it ultimately offers no lasting truth. we seem to repeat the old ingrained patterns of the dusty past while striving to break free. i look for the absence of attachment, for freedom from the leash that restrains my hands from removing the tightly knotted blindfold. why do i look outside anyway? i only want You, Shiva. although other things are attractive, my heart opens only to You, my love: for You alone does the heart become warm & melt into complete acquiescence. only for You does the body relax its grasp upon the allure of the world. only for You, Shiva, do i release all that i thought was true so that You can fill me with the truth that brings me refuge forever within Your domain. it is my true home. the heart knows this & has never forgotten.
the woods in the deep of the night
the woods at deep twilight smell sweet & moist, immersed in the subtle allure of the night's hidden magic. the roosting crows in repose mutter good night to one another in soft clicks & croaks. shadows settle over the trees, descending from the hands of the sky like a shawl to wrap the woods in featureless & faceless protection. sharp details belong to the day, are necessary to see for the accomplishments & unveilings that take place under the sun. deeds are done & tasks await: gathering & dispersing happens. order is valued & scripts are offered for all the roles & their requirements. survival is the bottom line. i hold myself in to fit within the narrow slot allotted for those such as me. but at night, in the mysterious woods, none of that bright world rules. here in the darkness, the unknown & irrational prevail, & the shadows may be doorways opening into other realms. You come to me through those shadows, Shiva, & tell me of wonders beyond. You touch my heart & unlock it, & i will forever thank You for this, for coming to me. i will forever thank You, Shiva. the woods in full nightfall smell sweet & moist, an invitation to deeper magic. Shiva, soon the moon will rise high & the darkling playmates emerge from hiding. there's a song in my heart that escapes through my lips & it stands as a motto for this entire life. "i mean no harm; i am passing through. i celebrate all existence." thank You, Shiva, for urging me out to befriend the darkness & the unfamiliar. You hold me in Your hands & in Your heart & i hold on to You forever. You take away my concern & You leave me with Your grace, here in the woods in the deep of the night.
other levels of the game
if i were to immerse myself in a cyberspace virtual world,
it would be akin to what i am doing here in this world of the
western mindset. here i train the body to be the compassionate
detached observer of life's unfolding events through the various
daily dramas. i seek to navigate them consciously & kindly.
this brings the exit door of maya's theater of thrills into view
& more options become available, other levels of the game.
i search for the source & essence of that which captivates my desire.
where does all this creation come from? how does it originate? how
else to find out than to venture deeply within, beyond the realm of
maya's dramas to the emanating inner point of awareness?
by way of immersion into the secret chamber of the heart, i
find Shiva, the lord of the animal body, who abides therein.
He shepherds me through the iterations of change to the very source.
Shiva has various names & forms & they are all teachers & guides.
when i turn my focus inwards, away from the changing outer world
towards the realm within myself, Shiva likewise turns His face to me
in the way that i can best resonate with & respond to. i have
guidance & the warm sustenance of subtle divine companionship.
Shiva is the steward of virtual reality, counting this
one i find myself in at the birth of this body. He is quite set
upon awakening me to my full potential of awareness.
i accept His offer! Let the good times roll in total immersion!
these wings
i rise into flight & i break into song, into a thousand thousand pieces. they all have their own holy lives & they have their own wings as they fly off to do their own duties. surely songs are free beings with their own dharma after they emerge from the lips: they have their own journeys to set out upon. i carried them all when they were tender & small & it's time now to let them go free. i break out of the prison i carefully made out of rules, roles & regulations. i'm cutting the cords; i'm leaving the matrix. i'm fully out of the chrysalis now, shedding the confining tight old skin & spreading my wings into the rising sunlight. they glow & they know just where to go, & i am but a passenger. Shiva, these wings will take me to You: what else can be their purpose? what else can they do but take me to You? that's what this life is for.
THIS HAPPENED 